Dear Miss U,
My man and I have been together for almost 6 years. Lately, I’ve been thinking it might be time to move on.
We still have not yet met in person, I was in college for my BA and he was unable to find work. I wanted to go see him first, but he wanted to be first ’cause manly reasons. He kept promising he would come by next year, but each year passes and I find myself losing hope and belief that he actually would.
He recently told me that he would be able to visit this spring, but I find myself doubting he will.
He’s a sweet guy, we have tons in common and I love him, but years of nothing, no career aspirations, and no end date has made me lose hope in this relationship and wonder if I’m better off finding someone local.
My parents aren’t helping the situation either and have already told me they want nothing to do with him or even acknowledge him, and I don’t blame them. 6 years and no attempts at all is a giant red flag for them.
He blames a crappy economy and having to take care of his parents though they’re both pretty ok (dad is depressed and partially paralyzed, but can get better if he listened to the doc). Any suggestions I give, like types of jobs, are rebutted constantly till I just don’t care and give up.
Even with all this I hung on because we got engaged and it was a promise that there would be a future. I really doubt that now.
Do you think I should wait to see if he’ll come in the spring and hope it’ll work out or should I just cut my losses now?
Losing Hope Exponentially
Dear Exponentially,
Six years is a long time to turn your back on. On the flip side, time is our most valuable resource, best not to throw more time into a bad investment.
What I’m really struggling with here is that he would rather not be able to confirm there’s something between you (I’m a big believer that you can’t truly know a relationship will work until you have spent time together in person) and he would rather see you suffer with the loneliness and insecurity of not knowing than to put aside his own pride. He would rather be “manly” than spend time with you? What? This isn’t the 1800s.
It really does look an awful lot like he is stringing you along.
What you need to do is ask yourself: Is it a case of, “too little, too late?” If he showed up on your doorstep tomorrow would everything be ok, or would you resent him so much for taking so long that you couldn’t enjoy the moment? Would you be able to forgive, or is this going to come up in every argument until the end of your days together?
You know yourself best, so answer these questions privately and honestly. There isn’t a right or wrong answer – there is only knowledge.
Also consider the impact this relationship will have on your bonds with your family. Is somebody who wouldn’t risk his pride to be with you worth you risking your support network over? Will he be worth all those holidays filled with awkwardness because you’re either with him or with them?
I personally am leaning on the side of, “you can do better, leave him,” but I don’t know him and it isn’t my place – or your family’s place – to judge him. If he makes you really truly happy then give this relationship one last shot.
Tell him you are seeing him, or you are leaving him, and that it isn’t negotiable. Add that you want to see his tickets booked by
Lastly, getting engaged to someone you haven’t met is not a fantastic idea. As you’ve probably figured out, being engaged can not replace real commitment; just as marriage will not automatically make your relationship more complete. Actions speak louder than any of these things. Draw your security from genuine progress, real experiences together, a shared history and the knowledge that his love for you trumps all other things – especially his love for his pride.
Hello, my nickname is Khaos, and I don’t know more what to do…
My LDR girlfriend broke up with me 5 months ago, and I still miss her, I still love her, I still need her…
She was my planet, and she made me a lot of happy, but we had our problems, and now she broke up with me… and I still miss her, I really don’t know more what to do… everything has lose the purpose, she made me want to do things, she makes me feels live and happy, but know, i don’t have anything last… I’m asking for a advice for what should I do now? I’m already lose the rope for bring her back to me… should I tell her I miss her?
Tell how much I miss her and everything ?
Sorry for this ridiculous questions…
(Sorry again for my bad English, it’s really hard to write in other language trying to no cry)
;-D
Khaos
Dear Khaos,
Your English is ok. I get letters from native speakers that are far harder to decode than this!
I know it’s not what you want to hear, but she is your ex for a reason and you need to leave her alone. No, you absolutely should not contact her in any way to tell her you miss her.
Healing from a break-up is hard, but it isn’t your ex-girlfriend you should be turning to.
What you should do now is confide your feelings in a close friend or relative who can look out for you. If you are genuinely struggling to live a normal life because of your sadness, you need to seek professional help so that you can build the skills to get you through this, or receive other kinds of help. Understand that depression is an illness, and nothing to be ashamed about. You wouldn’t be embarrassed to tell your doctor you have heart disease; treat depression in the same way.
Again; do not contact your ex. Learn from the mistakes both of you made in that relationship so that the past does not repeat itself.
You need to let go of the baggage in your hands before you can embrace something (or someone!) new.
