Dear Miss U,
I met my bf online when I was still in college. We saw each other pretty much everyday and I stayed over at his apartment most nights. Well, I graduated a couple of weeks ago and moved back home with my parents. Meanwhile, my bf has a steady job and LOVES that town so I told him that I would make the effort to come see him every weekend. I’m currently looking for a job so I told him that it’s unrealistic for me to come up every weekend and I don’t want to come up during the week because I’ll be locked in his apartment during his 9-5 job. So, I told him I would see him every other weekend.
Well I spent this past weekend with him and left on the train Monday morning to go home. He messages me 13 hours later adding he’s lonely and he misses me and he can’t wait 1.5 weeks to see me. I feel like he’s being super clingy. We’ve spent longer times apart (during the summer I was in Europe for 25 days).
I’m at a loss here because I feel like he’s being immature about this and trying to guilt trip me into moving back. However, the rent there is too expensive for me and we can’t live together because his parents don’t believe in cohabitation before marriage. I don’t want to give up on him but I don’t want to give up my life and freedom either. Please help me.
– L
Dear L,
Who cares what his parents believe in? They are not part of your relationship, and he is a grown man. Besides that, you stay in his apartment when you visit and when you lived there you stayed in his apartment most nights. That is basically living together already, and I’m sure after two years his parents have already figured it out, or they don’t see him enough to clue in. Ether way, if they haven’t kicked up a stink over you staying there (and frequently) they can probably get over you living there, or if they don’t visit often it could be passed off as just another one of your visits. But again, your relationship, not theirs. Both of you need to live your own lives in the way that is best for both of you, not what is best for others. You know what makes no sense at all? Spending a bunch of money on rent for an apartment you’re never in anyway.
With that said, I think you might be being a little hard on him, and maybe even getting a little resentful yourself. Of course he misses you! Of course this is a huge change for him!
Yes, he loves his town and his job, but you need to remember that you have all this exciting just-moved-home stuff going on (seeing old friends, trying to find a job, settling back in) while for him his life hasn’t changed; with the exception of the huge hole you left in his heart when you moved. See before he had it all. His life was probably overflowing with greatness. But now all that time he spent with you is free time that he doesn’t know how to use yet. It happens to a lot of people in long term relationships when the amount they see their partner suddenly declines. You forget what you used to do for fun, you have to readjust to being alone. That’s normal, and it isn’t easy, so give him some love and cut him some slack. We all get clingy sometimes. As long as he’s not like this every day for months, it’s alright to give him a little extra to help him get through, just as sometimes you need him more than others.
You need to have a serious conversation with him, maybe even get it all on paper in a mind map. Let him know that he can not have it all, and that he needs to meet you half way. Ask him what he is willing to do to help you move back there or to help you see each other more. Find out what things are priorities for you both and what things you are willing to give up to meet those goals. For example:
If having you move to him is a priority he could either help by paying half your rent each month or by putting aside his parent’s expectations and letting you move in.
If having more freedom is a priority for you, you can help him by telling him in advance when you will be going out so that he can arrange something fun for himself and thus isn’t sitting home pinning for you, or you can find that extra freedom time by cutting out other things such as TV time or coffee dates with that one friend who makes you feel bad about yourself.
Remember that in a healthy relationship you want each other’s happiness as much as your own. So he should want to see you enjoying life, having your dream job, having time for yourself and other friends and not paying stressful amounts of rent; while you should want him to feel loved and secure and that the relationship is progressing nicely.
Work together on this. Be honest with each other. This is your chance to shape the future.
Dear Miss U,
Coming from the Deep South, folks aren’t too understanding of same gender relationships and, personally, my family was not at all pleased when I first came out…but I’ve met the most wonderful girl and I want to settle down with her eventually. How do I explain to my family that I’ve fallen in love with someone online who lives a whole country away?
Any suggestions for how to avoid or help cope with their judgement and lack of approval?
Apprehensive in Alabama
Dear Apprehensive,
It is truly a beautiful freeing thing when we can let go of other people’s expectations and embrace who we are. Some famous person once said “What other people think of you is none of your business,” and I feel that’s pretty spot on!
With that said, I would enter the water gradually on this one. Don’t leap right in talking about forever, because there are more than enough horror stories about people who have done this. It just makes you sound crazy and naive. Instead, introduce her name in conversations just casually. Let mail from her come to your house. Talk on the phone when other people are home. Let them see how happy she makes you. Let them see that this woman inspires you to better yourself. Don’t go in with a big confession like you’re doing something wrong, because you’re not. Acting like you think you deserve ridicule invites ridicule. Just act normal, even if you’re actually leaving nuggets in your pants.
People are going to ask you questions, so be prepared for them. Imagine all the possible scenarios. Practice answering them while you’re in the shower. Most of them will be genuine questions of curiosity like how you met, how old she is, where she works, etc but some people are likely to take the chance to be nasty. Have a few good comebacks up your sleeve for when uncle Milty asks “Oh, so you’re still gay then?” because there’s always one smartarse.
You can’t please everyone all the time and you can’t always avoid people being jerks. What you can do is remember that their reactions are a reflection of their own characters, not yours.
One day in the future you won’t be stuck in a small minded small town, you won’t be beholden to what your parents think of you and you won’t waste a second of your day questioning your character because of other people’s opinions. One day you’ll be living in your own home with rules you helped create, you’ll be following your dreams, you’ll have a career you are passionate about and a woman that changed your whole world for the better; and when you get there you’ll look back and wonder why all of this seemed so big.
Honestly, I can’t imagine your family’s reactions to a long distance relationship being worse than however they reacted when you came out. I know that sounds horrible. I don’t believe people should even have to “come out” like it’s some bizarre disease. I dream of a future where homosexuals can just bring their partner around for coffee and the proper motherly response is “Would you like biscuits?” instead of “What are you going to tell your father?” but we’re just not there yet.
As unhelpful as it is, my advice in a nutshell:
1) Act normal
2) Be prepared for questions
3) Remember that you’re awesome, and that you don’t need their approval for your happiness.
And 4) Be careful how much of the negative stuff you bring back to your partner. I’m usually all about honesty but as you wade into the murky waters of getting your family on board with this relationship they might say very hurtful things that will be hard for your girlfriend to forgive when they finally do come around. In the interest of not having her detest them before they’ve even met, try to balance the negatives with positives or it can make you feel like the meat in the sandwich for a long time to come.
