Dear Miss U,
I dated a guy for 2+ years. It was a really tough relationship emotionally and mentally because we never got to meet and we both had a lot of personal problems to work through.
The first time we broke up, I broke up with him because he constantly harped on my religious views. After the break up, he was constantly contacting me through email and through friends and it got to the point that I had to block him. I eventually recontacted him to tell him that I was sorry and what not. He was in a relationship but almost immediately broke up with the girl to ask me back out. This led to him going back and forth between us and me cutting contact with him again.
A few months back, he contacted me through an email I had never given him and now he constantly wants to talk and tells me he misses and loves me all of the time. He is currently with the girl he was going out with when he was going back and forth between her and I. I have told him that I don’t want him in my life. I have blocked him multiple times from social media, emails, and other sources of communication. He always seems to find a way to contact me though and I want him out of my life for good. I feel like I’ve told him this since the most recent time he contacted me, but he doesn’t seem to understand.
What can I do or say to get him to quit contacting me?
Tried Everything
Dear Tried Everything,
Either your internet footprint is too large and obvious or you have a mutual friend passing on your contact details when they shouldn’t be. You need to address this. Start by contacting all the people close to you and letting them know you have this internet stalker. Forget the embarrassment. Creepy stalkers can harm you, embarrassment only has the power you give it. So let the people you have contact with know never to pass out your details – even email – without getting your go-ahead first.
Secondly, it’s time to disappear. Start with getting a new phone number. Once that’s done, create yourself a nice alias that your ex can’t guess. Something your friends and family won’t feel too awkward using, because you’re going to rely on it for a while.
Then it is time to re-make your online life. Start a new email, and use your alias instead of your real name. New Facebook, new name. Leave out where you work, the exact town you live in, (aim for the nearest city or if you already do that, state your country only) and any other things that strongly indicate that you are yourself – such as your religious and political affiliations. Hide your birth date. Your profile picture and cover photo are public, so make sure anything uploaded as such does not show either your face or any distinctive marks you have, such as tattoos, scars or birthmarks than he may remember from photos or video conversations. Get to know the privacy settings like the back of your hand, and only add people to this new account who you have met in real life and who you actually have a relationship with. That friend you meet up with for coffee once a year who you’d never talk to without Facebook? Definitely add her. Your third cousin twice removed who you remember seeing at your 13th birthday party but who you haven’t had a real conversation with since doesn’t need the privilege. Ask those people you keep in your online life to use their privacy settings to protect you too, so that things they like and comment on of yours do not share forward onto their feeds.
Those people who won’t be part of your new social network but whom you may want to contact at a later date, write down their contact details in a notebook. You can email them sometime. Remember that your safety is more important that momentarily hurting the feelings of people who aren’t truly part of your life anyway.
Part of the reason for this purge is because every person who thinks they know you can inadvertently pass on information about you that could be risky, and another thing to consider is that your ex, the creeper that he is, has probably acquainted himself with your friends lists. He knows roughly how many people you are connected with on your social network, he knows your family names, who your besties are, who your frenemies are. Don’t set yourself up with unnecessary links through which you can be hunted down and harassed, and don’t set up a new profile that looks and feels exactly like your old one.
The next step is to deactivate your old account. Then repeat this process for all your social media. Any forums you are on, whether you think he knows you’re on them or not, you’ll also need to take a hiatus from and/or start new accounts with. If you have ever used your real name (or any alias he knew you by,) on a website, it has to go. Display pictures, even not of yourself, that he may associate with you need to become a thing of your past.
Do I sound paranoid and thorough? That’s because I too have had to disappear. I’ve changed my name, address (even country at one point), place of employment, phone number and online profiles, as well as altering my physical appearance just in case I should ever run into that ex I feared. And it worked. A few years on I did meet him again in person, and he did not recognise me. My efforts put an end to his chase and now I no longer have to live in fear.
There is nothing you can say to your ex to stop him contacting you. But he can’t contact you if he can’t find you, so focus your efforts on that.
Acquaint yourself with the laws in your area in case he does track you down again, because that would be the next step. Do not be afraid to get help with this.
Understand too that you will not be out of the woods for a long time. It is likely he will periodically remember you and try to look you up for several years, and it is a long time to stay vigilant, but you do need to do it if you ever want to be truly free of him.
Good luck.
Dear Miss U,
I am from Kerala, India. For my question to make any sense you should know that in our culture being in a relationship is not approved. Parents fix our marriages after seeking out a suitable groom.
Now coming to my problem, me and my boyfriend we met through a common friend but he lives in a different state (and that is something else marring from another state is also not really approved) He just finished his course and still hasn’t found a job. He is trying really hard…going for interviews and studying part time mba. While my course will end in a few months, and my parents are already looking for a groom. He wants us to tell my parents about the relationship. But it is going to create a huge fight at home if i bring it up, where he is from, how he has no job, how my salary is always going to be better than his, how we met…they would eventually emotionally blackmail me to dump him or force me to marry some one else. So far I have been able to reject the marriage proposals they bring up by giving some or the other reason. So I think we should wait till he gets job or there is real crisis to tell them. But my decision is making him very insecure. He says that I will leave him eventually. How do I make him trust me?? How do I make him understand that I am trying to make things work?? Can you please help me. This issue is killing our relationship. We haven’t spoken properly in days. Please… Maybe if I was with him things would be better, but I am helpless.
Cera
Dear Cera,
I feel for you in such a dis-empowering situation. I also completely understand his fear.
I suppose there is no way for his parents or himself to contact your parents and put forth his case as a suitable groom? Because to me, that seems like it would be the best of all worlds.
Of course, he would need a job, and something to stand him apart from your other suitors. A quality so good that your parents could overlook his being from another state. But I do wonder if this is possible. If done correctly it could earn their respect in a way that you confessing to already being in a relationship would not.
Sadly, I’m not from your culture, and studying it is quite a bit different from living it so there is a limit to how effective any of my advice for you can be.
Onto his fear, I doubt there is any more you can say to him to make him have faith in this plan. I don’t believe that he doesn’t trust you, but it must be hard to not be insecure when he too is so powerless in this situation. Stepping into his shoes a moment I am sure you can understand how he must feel knowing time is running out. Knowing that the future your parents are actively trying to secure for you does not involve him. That must be terrifying for both of you. I would start by validating his feelings. Really letting him know you hear him and understand.
Then try to bring him into your shoes. Really let him know what it is like to be a woman in your culture. To be treated like property. To not be given the same choices and opportunities. Try again to explain to him the immense pressure your parents will put on you to break up with him if you present this relationship as it stands now. And then perhaps you can compromise with him by setting a date. This date will be the turning point in the relationship. If in a certain time nothing has changed, agree to step forward and come clean to your parents, or take whatever other action you have planned to secure the future you dream of together. Sometimes knowing an end is coming even if it isn’t soon is enough to help people hold on and remain strong.
I wish you all the best Cera, and hope that some time in the future you can write to me and let me know that you made it and are happy.
