Dear Miss U,
Four years ago I met a guy who chased me until I couldn’t resist any longer. What we have is complicated and intense but we love each other more than we have ever loved anyone else. We have been on and off all these years but I need to know if it’s worth sacrificing a lot. Every time we see each other it’s Amazing but we have never lived in the same state. He wants me to move to New York since he can’t leave his family business but I have yet to figure out my career path or if I want to go back to school. If I went to live in New York then he would be the only person I have there. I would not be so hesitant but the first time I met his sister she immediately dismissed the idea of us being a couple. I love him but I am scared his family won’t accept me and I’ll make a huge mistake by moving there. I would love some outside advice.
Boston Girl
Dear Boston Girl,
To me as an outsider, now sounds like the best time for you to jump right in and give this a go. You’re not entrenched in a career, you’re not tied down to an educational institution. That alone is so freeing.
What is the absolute worst that can happen? It doesn’t work out and you have to move back home. So plan for that. Put money aside in a secret account for just in case this is a horrible idea. And if it turns out that moving is the best decision you ever made you can add that money to your first house deposit. You are young enough to weather some big mistakes well, so don’t be afraid to make them.
Yes, for a little while, he would be the only person you have there, and yes, that can be terrifying. But let me assure you, you won’t be the first to be in this situation, nor the first to overcome it. It is the reality for a lot of long distance couples, myself included. But you will make friends, you will meet new people. At work or college. At the gym. The park. The pub, mall or café. Online. His mates’ partners. And maybe eventually within his family too.
For a lot of people it is hard for them to see a relationship that takes place largely via technology as “real” but they are not going to take your relationship any more seriously if it continues on as it is. This is your chance to change their impressions of you, a chance to show them you fit in with their family. That may take some time. Sometimes years. And unfortunately some people just can’t be won over. But you don’t know till you try.
I can tell you what will happen if you don’t go, however. If one of you doesn’t move, this relationship will eventually come to an end. You can’t be in a long distance relationship forever. It’s very hard to have any kind of future without regular lengthy bouts of physical proximity. How can you save for a home or a wedding or raise children or travel the world if you are living separately, bearing the brunt of separate expenses?
What it comes down to are priorities. Is this relationship a priority for you? Because you’re not giving up a career or study to move. And while you will see your friends and family less it is eminently more possible for them to remain part of your life at a distance than it is to remain a couple, long term, when you can’t be together.
Dear Miss U
I have been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years. We met in my hometown Perth where he had lived for 5 years studying, when he graduated he took an amazing job offer back in Adelaide where he is originally from, mainly for the money and to be closer to his parents. I am still in Perth to finish my studying and now that I am almost finished he wants me to move to Adelaide with him. I am totally up for adventure and want to live with him already but this feels like such a big decision for me.
I am the type of person that loves all my family, love doing things with them and every holiday is a big one for us and I don’t want to be away from them. I also have a pet rabbit and it will be very hard transporting her across state. I am really going to miss my friends, family and hometown. I don’t want to leave but I want to be with him. He can leave this job but it’s his dream job and he is really setting us up for the future with the money he is making. What do I do? I need an objective opinion because when I ask my mum she says to stay and obviously when I ask my boyfriend he says to move. Please offer your personal professional opinion of whether I should move or stay.
Thanks
Stressed girl
Dear Stressed Girl,
People put their pets on airplanes to take them with them when they move internationally, I’m sure your bunny will be fine for a few hours in a car, bus or even on a plane (though I don’t personally know which companies or airlines extend their services to rabbits.) I would suggest taking your pet to the vet for a full check-up and advice on how to make the trip as stress free as possible.
That aside, I think your first priority should be talking to your partner about finances. Particularly, that you expect a solid budget to be set for regularly traveling home for holidays and just because you need your family. Some couples do this, some do not, but I recommend it for you. Personally, Mr. E and I budget for regular trips home as well. He seems more than happy to see his family once or twice a year, while if I don’t see mine for a week we get all teary and call each other to commiserate. The point of this is: people have different needs, and before you move (to provide for his need of a fulfilling carer) you are going to require some kind of guarantee that your needs (to see your family) will be adequately met. Make a plan.
I’m told that Virgin airlines Australia have a happy hour sale at 4pm AEDT every Thursday, which makes domestic travel eminently more feasible.
You should also talk to your family about ways to remain included with everything in your absence. Be creative.
At the very worst, you’ll move and it won’t work out. Commit to move for a set period of time, I recommend at least a year and a half, with the expectation that the first six months will be hell. Tough it out anyway and really truly make the effort to give it your best. Then at the end of that period of time, if you really can’t do it, he’ll have that much more on his resume and will have a better chance of landing an equal or better job in Perth. But this way he will see that you tried, that you value him and his dreams. He will appreciate your ability to be selfless. And because he wants you to be happy too, if the time comes for you both to move to Perth and start again, theoretically at least, he will be less resentful and more willing, because you’re not asking him to make a sacrifice you haven’t made yourself.
