Dear Miss U,
I’ve been with my bf for 2.5 years (lived together for 2 years). Things have been great! Except that it took me a lot of effort to be less jealous. Because he’s obviously into a certain type of girl (I’m that type too). He kept reassuring me that he loves me for who I am and not who I might resemble/represent, and I know I should believe him, yet the irrational side always gives in to jealousy.
I recently got accepted into grad school and will be away for at least 4 years. All ideal schools are in other cities. He’s very supportive of me to pursue my dream. Yet the silly insecure side of me just does not think this will work. Because he has many lady friends (girls of my “type”) and I just cannot shake off the thoughts that it’ll be really easy for him to replace me.
Please kindly give some advice on how to be more secure and make this long-distance situation work.
Thank you!
Zzoorroo
Dear Zzoorroo,
Girls that look like you, like some of the same things you like, have similar backgrounds to yours and are in your peer group are still not YOU. Nobody else is you. So if it is you he wants, it doesn’t matter how many other similar women are on the market.
It’s a lot like when you go out to dinner and you order a Coke and the waiter asks, “Is Pepsi ok?”
You’re not asking for Pepsi, or RC cola or some other weak imitation, you want Coke. The same applies here. He doesn’t want someone who’s almost-you. He wants you.
The key to not being replaced in anything is being irreplaceable. Having something unique that your employer, team or partner cannot find somewhere else. This means even while you’re gone you need to continue being the best you that you can be. You will be busy with study, but make time for him. Remember to have fun together (yes, this is totally possible at a distance) and to be the number one supporter of his dreams too.
Jealousy is nothing but a poison to your relationship, so good on you for fighting against it. As easy as it might be for him to “replace” you, he deserves your trust that he won’t. Insinuating otherwise is insulting to him and reeks of disrespect.
If he wanted one of those other girls, he’d be with them. He’s not. He chose you. Let that be enough.
Dear Miss U,
Me and my boyfriend have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years going on 3. I live in NYC and he is in the Bahamas. We’ve never met before and there’s still no set date or time. He only has a part time seasonal job working on ships. While me, I’m in school soon graduating this year and I haven’t had a job yet. So as for meeting up with him, it has been him coming here in NYC or Florida. He’s always trying to save money but something always comes up where he has no choice but to help his family.
Since I’m almost to the point of graduating I been thinking about getting a job, saving the money and seeing him. I’d either spend it on sending him here or just going to the Bahamas and meeting him that way.
But what’s stopping me is this. I am pretty insecure. And I always felt that if someone loves you they have to prove it. He has never gone completely out his way to see his girlfriends in his previous relationships. So I always tend to feel that he has to make that effort and show me that he truly wants me.
But then in the back of my mind, I don’t want him to NOT spend his money to help out his family when they need him. And I know he wants me but a little part of me always doubts it.
Other reasons I feel he should come to me here is because I never been to the Bahamas and what if everything goes wrong. I have nobody that would want to come with me. However I know me and him would be together if I just go there. It would make it all easy. What should I do?
Mewie
Dear Mewie,
It’s the Bahamas! I’m not sure I know anyone who WOULDN’T want to go. Are they going to want to sit around all day and watch you and your boyfriend suck face? No, so you’ll need to plan for some adventures, but I’m not buying for a second that you don’t know a single soul who likes to travel. Ask around.
I also completely reject the notion that he needs to prove his love to you, as though being in a long distance relationship for years isn’t somehow proof enough. What about you proving yourself to him? Doesn’t this go both ways?
Additionally, a first meet is important. It is a turning point in this kind of relationship. It is the make-or-break. It is how you confirm all those feelings that you think you know. A first meet is much too important to be bogged down in out-dated ideals about who should travel first.
Yes, it could go horribly wrong. That’s why you need to have a contingency plan. You need to have enough savings so that you can get that emergency hotel and flight home if you find you actually can’t stand him in person. You need to research his area and what resources will be available to you. What is public transport like? Where is your nearest embassy? But the necessity of traveling to a place you’ve never been to, or traveling alone, should not put you off. Life is for living! For having experiences. For seeing new things, broadening your horizons, making connections with other people… Yes, of course the concept is terrifying the first time (and maybe even the tenth) but don’t let that stop you. It’s better to regret something you did than to regret not doing it, after all.
The only red flag I see here, honestly, is that he’s always giving his savings away. It’s great to have a charitable soul, but it does sound a little sketchy that he can never get ahead because he’s always giving his family handouts, and I can see that becoming a problem further down the track in this relationship. I’m not saying he shouldn’t help, but perhaps he needs to look into other ways of supporting those people close to him rather than by handing over money he really doesn’t have. I worry a little bit that it might just be an excuse, too, but I’m a little jaded.
Personally, I would save up the money and go. You are never poorer for having traveled. Let the proving his love part come with his proposal, or the huge reams of visa paperwork.
