Dear Miss U,
First let me say that I have no doubt that she loves me, and is faithful to me. Our situation is this, two years ago we met and fell quickly in love. Her marriage ended over ten years ago, mine just a couple. I did know that she was living with her (should be) ex as roommates for a number of reasons. We discussed it thoroughly and I thought I understood. She said their children had a difficult time understanding that it was over between them and they get along fine as friends. However that roommate situation has carried on for all this time with no end in sight. It has come to include a couple of family vacations, trips away together with “the kids.” I am not one to set ultimatums and refuse to do so. She says that she is making progress on making them understand and being able to make a clean break. The “husband” is either clueless or chooses to ignore the situation. It seems it is a case of he doesn’t want her but doesn’t want to let go either. I feel sometimes that things are so very hopeless. I cannot even entertain the thought of leaving or having a relationship with anyone else. We share the same dreams for the future. How do I convince her that there will never be a perfect time to leave? I’m not sure sometimes how I should even feel. Often I don’t know how to feel except confused. Please understand she is a very special woman who just has a heart too big to hurt anyone else’s, especially her kids. Maybe I’m a man with too much understanding? Thank you for your time.
– Patience is a virtue, right?
Dear Right!,
If the marriage ended more than ten years ago and they still live together I find it hard to imagine that leaving the situation is at all a priority for her; so progress to her might be very different from what you or I would consider progress.
The way I feel about it, from a neutral third-person stance is this: If the two of you are able to have a relatively normal adult relationship (albeit LDR) including visits and phone calls, if you are not a secret from her ex-husband and he realizes he is an ex, if her kids know you exist (though I understand they won’t know your true role) and contact with her feels like contact with a woman who has children and a house mate not like you’re her affair, then by all means keep on keeping on.
If on the other hand she closes your Skype call every time a kid comes to ask a question, or if when her ex-husband picks up her phone you have to pretend you’re the plumber calling back about a quote, then there’s a problem. You do need to be honest with yourself and recognize any red flags for what they are. You don’t even have to act on them right away, but do be honest with yourself.
I must point out that you say she’s a woman with a big heart who just can’t bear to hurt anyone, and yet I don’t believe for a moment that you’re not hurt at all by this situation. Remember that you and your feelings should also matter to her – not just the feelings of her ex and children.
I’m not sure you can convince her that there’s never a perfect time to leave, all you can do is say your piece when the subject comes up and be supportive. She will either get there eventually, or you’ll get sick of waiting. It won’t be like this forever.
I have dated a person who lived with their ex, and that ex still referred to my partner as her husband around town, so I can sympathize with the whole situation. I know nothing is ever simple. I can tell you that it took my partner a little more than two years to leave his ex, even though he claimed the relationship ended years before, and once he did leave he still saw her every day for the following year. This was with me living locally and putting quite a bit of pressure on him to make a change, so do expect progress to continue to be slow for your situation. (In case you’re wondering; after we broke up, he moved back in with her).
I can’t tell you how to feel, but I can tell you that everything you do feel is valid and that you’re not a bad person if you get a little resentful at times. This is an unusual and limiting situation to be in, and it won’t always feel positive. All you can do is listen to your intuition. Perhaps ask about her progress, and let her know that it helps you feel like you do have a future together. It’s ok to need reassurance occasionally or to ask for further clarification.
Hello…
My name is Dutch.
I’m in a LDR with someone… but I don’t know how to tell my parents.
I tried to ask them what they think about LDR in general. But they didn’t react the way I hoped they would.
I’m afraid that they will get angry at me when they know about it.
Can you help me please?
Thanks
-Dutch
Hello Dutch,
I think it might be a bit early to tell them. If you’re going to risk their wrath, it’s best to know this relationship is going somewhere and at two weeks in, you’ve barely began.
What I would do is let them know you have a pen pal. Talk about this friend and how he is a positive influence on you. What nice things does he do for you? Has he helped you with your homework, given you pointers on how to make your art better or encouraged you to raise money for your favorite charity? In what ways does he inspire you? Talk about those things.
Parents want to see you safe and happy. They want to see you succeeding, studying hard and making something of yourself. They are more inclined to like people who want the same for you and dislike potential threats or people who take your focus away from the things they think you should care about. Most parents are somewhat terrified of their children dating. Ease them into it. You have time, LDRs tend to progress slowly anyway.
As like with all online relationships, play it safe. Don’t give out your personal details right away, and never meet someone face to face in secret or without having seen them over webcam first.
