Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months. We met 15 years ago, but the timing was not right. Last year he found me via social media and he asked me to be his girlfriend since he missed the chance 15 years ago. He works 3 jobs and is going to school. I work 2 jobs and I’m a single parent. In the beginning he was good about communicating, but lately I’ve noticed he will not reply to my text messages and will not answer calls or return calls. Now he always told me that he is very busy and can’t communicate all the time. But if I don’t text him for 5 days straight, I will not hear from him. I am always the one trying to keep the communication going. And I’ve asked him several times to communicate with me more since we are in a long distance relationship and he says he will, but does not follow through. I’m just wondering if it’s worth me continuing to try, when I feel like he is not trying? He has come to visit me twice in the 9 months and I have not been able to visit him yet due to financial situation. Any advice you can give would be really helpful. Thank you for your time.
Lisa
Dear Lisa,
It sounds like he doesn’t realize that if he wants time with you he needs to actually make that time. Multitasking is also, obviously, not his strong point. The method I would take would be to try and establish a date night/morning/whenever each week. Say two or three hours each week that you can dedicate to the relationship, and you need to both make it a priority. Use this time to catch up on all your talking, maybe have a fancy meal together, watch the occasional show or movie (I’m not a big advocate of this, because if you’re watching you’re not talking, but some people swear by it), read a book together, or whatever it is that you two do together for fun. Don’t have a thing you do for fun? Spend time together and figure it out; it really is that important.
Whilst I do like to shun terribly out-dated and sexist things, I know a few people who have had some success explaining to their partner their need for more time in this manner: “I feel the same way about our relationship as you feel about your career.”
Likening a relationship to a career and the satisfaction it brings, can help some people understand the importance of putting in an effort, so that may be worth a try for you too.
Beyond that, how long do you expect to be in a long distance relationship for? If it’s indefinitely and communication still doesn’t improve, I personally would say goodbye. If you have a closing the distance date in mind, then it’s up to you to decide if this is a deal breaker or if you want to just tough it out until you’re local.
My main concern here would be that he will always be this way with communication. Relationships can’t survive without communication. Seeing each other every day can’t guarantee you will have a good level of communication. I would worry that if he can’t make you a priority now when all it takes is a phone call, how would he ever make you a priority when the stakes were raised? If he doesn’t have time for a skype date, how will he ever have time for a real date or for playing soccer in the back yard with your kid?
Try to talk to him again, emphasize your concerns, and let him know how serious this is to you. On the texting front however, I wouldn’t worry so much about it. The quality of texted communication is quite limited so my advice is to use it to brighten up his day, but save things that require a response for an actual conversation. Give it one more solid try, lay everything on the table, and if you still don’t get anywhere you can walk away knowing you did your best.
Dear Miss U,
I met this girl online she is student, at first it was just talking then we started to get more close and then we told each other I love you, then she started telling me about her tough times and studying and how she find difficulties to keep her financial obligations so I offered to help her once or twice then she asked for gifts from me, and now I am paying her an amount each month to help her financially, the things I feel is that she get busy a bit unless she needs something she say cause of her work and studying and all of this, we were supposed to meet last April but before she comes she was sick and had appendix and I helped her pay for the hospital she showed me the bandage more than once and we planned that she will come to me by the end of this month but I am not sure if she will.
The other thing I tried to break up more than once since the time she didn’t come on April although she said she is okay and she will come then afterwards she said she went to hospital again cause there was something wrong with the procedure, every time I try to breakup she first say that she loves me a lot and she still want me as her boyfriend and all of this then she says she can’t force me to stay with her.
Something inside me tells me to end it no matter how hard it is, but I need a confirmation I mean a obvious sign to do it, I know searching for a sign to break up is enough sign, but sometimes I feel it was not her fault to have operation.
Abdullah
Dear Abdullah,
Just like you said, searching for a sign to break up is enough of a sign and you need to break up with this woman. Staying with her out of pity is wrong.
Personally I never advocate giving money over the internet to a partner you haven’t known long or haven’t met in person, and the fact she’s asked for that money is a huge red flag.
I do think it’s time for you to let this relationship go. No it’s not her fault she has been sick, and I don’t necessarily think she’s a scammer, but you’re obviously not happy in this relationship. It’s not working any more. It is time to move on.
Let this be your sign.
