Dear Miss U,
I have recently met my boyfriend online; we fell in love of what others might think is too fast, but I digress. We do really love each other and I can speak for both of us when I say that we’re a lot happier than before we even met.
But my question is: Are we young and dumb?
I’m only 13 and he’s 15, and the thing is we don’t know when we will meet. And I do realize this is an enormous part of a long distance relationship, the actual meeting. That is what’s gotten me worried. I’ve talked about it with him and luckily he does realize the situation. And he wants to keep doing this until we meet one day. I want to as well, but I don’t know if this is stupid. What also makes it even more facepalm-y for me is that I’ve never been in a relationship before, even less an LDR. I don’t think the fact that I can’t travel probably until I’m 18 will change in the near couple of years.
I’m so puzzled. I do truly love him and I don’t want to give up. But neither do I want to get heartbroken. I can’t say “there’s not a chance that he’ll leave me,” but it at least feels very low. Should I turn back and give up on this, even though I really don’t want to?
Fight or flight?
– Thoughtful
Dear Thoughtful,
Of course you’re young and dumb! We all are or were at some point, but you certainly shouldn’t let that stop you from living your life!
Personally, I think the best relationship to have as a LDR is your first one, and here’s why: Everything, absolutely everything about love and relationships is fresh and new, so the small but beautiful things about a LDR that other people might overlook will be enrapturing for you – as they should be. You will be more likely to appreciate the small gestures and delve fully into the connection that can be felt from a good cyber hug. You’re young enough to not care so much about online date nights being “lame” because you’re not old enough to go out on the town anyway.
Some advice that will serve you in all parts of your life, not just in love, is that if you give up without trying, you are choosing to fail. You can’t avoid heartbreak by just backing out of this relationship, because that leads to its own kind of heartbreak. At 13 I can confidently say you will certainly experience heartbreak in your future. It is going to happen. Don’t let the fear of bad things stop you from enjoying the good things. Dare to live your life to its fullest potential.
Meeting is important. Closing the distance is also important. But they are not important for you, right now. They both have to happen eventually for your relationship to survive and reach its full potential, but it’s not something you need to care about right now.
You know what happens after your first meet? Everything gets harder. A lot harder. So if you met, for example, in six months’ time, but then had to stay long distance for 5 or more years after that, your relationship would be a heck of a lot less enjoyable than if you had just waited and taken every step slowly. In a way, your inability to travel right now is a blessing. In a couple of years, it will start to really chafe, but by then you can legally get a job and start putting aside money for traveling – and I strongly recommend you do so. It is never your parents’ responsibility to help you maintain your relationship. You need to have your own finances to support your dreams. So while your peers are out getting milkshakes and seeing movies on the weekend, you’re going to borrow movies from the library to watch at home with your other goal-orientated friends (or over Skype with your love) and patiently watch your bank balance grow.
In some ways this kind of commitment can’t help but change you. You will either become ridiculously good at communicating (and time management if you have a time difference) or your relationship will fall apart. You will, by necessity, be more responsible than you might if you dated near-proximity, because to convince your parents to let you travel before you are 18 you will have to prove over a long period of time that you are mature enough and savvy enough to do so and not get yourself in stuck in any bad situations.
Lastly, yes, you can survive this. I personally know a couple who have been together a decade now despite meting online young. It took them five full years to be able to meet in person, but they did it. They remained committed and nurtured their relationship through the whole ordeal, and by all accounts it was worth it. It was what was right for them. It couldn’t have been easy, but it is very much possible.
Fight.
Dear Miss U,
I am in a very new long distance relationship. My partner and I met on OkCupid about a month ago, and after about a week of casual messaging/texting we developed a real connection that has only grown in affection and passion since.
I know my girlfriend cares about me, but I feel like I care about her more. Two weeks ago I sent her a mixed CD, and although it sounds stupid, I really did put a lot of effort and time into narrowing down the song selection, figuring out the track order, and curating the kind of story that fits how I feel about her. A couple days later, I decided to symbolically adopt an Orangutan for her (her fav. animal) and have the adoption kit complete with a stuffed animal, adoption certificate, species photo and card sent to her address as a surprise.
After she got each gift, she told me she liked them, but I didn’t get much of a reaction (certainly not what I’d been waiting for for weeks). After all, it’s not every day that someone shows such sweetness and thoughtfulness! She still hasn’t sent me anything and says she is waiting till its closer to my birthday in 3 weeks to send everything at once, but I personally can’t even wait a week to start scheming up new ideas on how to put a smile on her face and send something meaningful her way. Why isn’t she doing the same for me? I thought she’d be completely bowled over by how sweet my gestures have been and would be starry eyed, falling in love with me, but her reactions have been so simple.
– Uncertain in NYC
Dear Uncertain,
Contrary to what popular culture and stereotyping tell you, not all women need to receive gifts to know they are loved. The most likely scenario I can see here is that she isn’t the kind of person who expresses their love through giving and receiving gifts. It may be that she feels the most loved when she is told, or shown through physical affection. Some other people need to be shown love by you giving them your time, or by you doing things for them (which is admittedly much harder in a LDR).
It is also possible she’s just not a very expressive person. She might feel a touch embarrassed when she receives gifts, and so doesn’t clearly portray her enjoyment.
There’s also an old saying: “You can’t buy love”. If her parents were anywhere near as old fashioned as mine, they may have drilled into her lessons about being cautious of men who shower her with gifts right off the bat. Whilst I’m certain you mean well, it is true that what is important to one person, isn’t the same to another. We all have different wants, needs and values. It might be time to have a conversation with each other about love languages.
I can not personally recommend the work of Gary Chapman, but I have a lot of friends who swear by his book “The Five Love Languages” so it might be worth your time to look into, and is a fairly safe way of broaching this subject with your partner.
Of course, it is also possible that she’s just a terribly ungrateful person, but time together will reveal that if it is the case.
