Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I got into a pretty big fight for only the second time in the 3 & 1/2 years we’ve been dating, and it was about him being negative. We were playing a game together and I got upset about him being so negative. Now, this has happened before, but not like this. He ended up getting so upset over hurting me, even though it wasn’t bad, that he thought he was a bad person. Now he wants to change and not be so negative, but in order to do that, he’s going to be talking differently. He’s normally all crazy and random, laughing and talking 24/7. We talked for a while after the fight when he said he was OK, but it didn’t sound like him. He was quiet and barely made a sound during the game we were playing, when he’s normally talking and laughing. Should I be worried, or is it normal to be worried about something like this?
His negativity was just about the game, saying we weren’t going to win so often after someone messed up badly.
The first fight we had was about MY negativity and it almost ended in us breaking up, so could that be why I’m so worried?
My negativity was about life, feeling like a failure and all that jazz.
Faith
Dear Faith,
I think you might both be putting more energy into this than is really warranted; there’s a bit of over-reaction going on here. I would suggest some light damage-control. If you notice him being a little weird next time just say to him that you love his usual prattle, his randomness and laughter. Remind him that you think he’s amazing and that’s why you’re with him and tell him you want him to feel comfortable when you’re spending leisure time together. Remind him you love him, and then drop it. Change the subject, move on and give him time to process that and re-balance himself.
I would say the majority of people don’t take criticism well, especially from the people we are closest to; the people we make ourselves vulnerable with. It can take time to fully deconstruct what our partner’s say, even though we know they mean well. Whilst it generally isn’t healthy to try and change for someone else (and it often doesn’t work, you need to want change for yourself for it to stick most of the time) or to try and change someone else, our relationships are supposed to help us grow as people. You’re not getting everything out of a relationship if you’re not maturing and coming closer to the person you want to be. A good partnership isn’t just about loving someone else, it’s about finding new things to love in yourself because of their support and gentle guidance. And yes, sometimes their criticism too.
The best relationship advice I can give you is that things like this should never come close to causing a break up. This is petty stuff, really. Yes, if the negativity about life is ongoing it will strain a relationship eventually to breaking point, particularly if that person refuses to seek help. But in the gaming world? No. I’m sorry, but no. Only children break up over video games. If he’s too negative and destroying your enjoyment of the game, the first step is as you have done: You discuss it. If positive change isn’t reached, then you need to stop playing games with him. It’s really that simple. It’s possible to be gentle and honest. “I want to play games with you, and I love that we have this hobby in common, but when things go badly I feel you’re excessively negative about it and I can’t enjoy playing if it gets all serious like that. I don’t mind if we win or lose, but you obviously do. Maybe we could play something non-competitive instead?”
Lastly, no relationship is going to be completely without personality clashes, disagreements, miscommunications and the occasional angry undeserved word on a bad day, and so it is important to learn how to disagree effectively. It’s important to know what is worth fighting over, what is worth breaking up over and what you can just agree-to-disagree about. You both need to be able to think critically about yourselves as well as being able to determine when your partner is being unfair or judgmental. These are all learned skills, and all things that are worth discussing in a relaxed, non-confrontational way.
Focus on growing together rather than worrying about the small things.
Dear Miss U,
Gerri and I (Josie) have a strong but sometimes rocky relationship. We broke up in March and came back together in June. During this break up time I took a job 1500 miles away. In our coming back together she said she really wanted time to live by herself and regain some perspective of herself. We had a very joined at the hip relationship. And when we are together we fall into it easily. I miss her terribly at night especially. She recently lost her funding and is looking for a new job. I would love it if she would come here where there is work but she is undecided. I am not sure I can do this it is very lonely. If I were to move back near her I would have to live separately for a while so she could have her space. I know it sounds as though she is not wanting to commit which is true but I also know she loves me a ton. How can I get through the nights?
Josie
Dear Josie,
I think you might need to look outside the box for a solution to your problems.
I have known couples, particularly older couples, who love each other deeply but can’t live together, or if they do live together they either have their own units in the same complex or own bedrooms/bathrooms/offices in a larger shared home, and I think it might be worthwhile looking into this kind of lifestyle.
Some people really struggle to be themselves, advocate for themselves and nurture themselves within the confines of traditional committed relationships. It’s too full on and it swallows them, yet society tells us we are selfish if we don’t want to give our all, all the time. But is that selfish, really? Isn’t it nicer to have someone’s best when they are healthy and able to give it, rather than have everything they can muster in a compromised state?
I think it’s time to talk about needs Josie. You both need to know what you NEED, and go into the conversation wanting to meet not only your own, but each other’s.
If she were writing to me, and not you, I would tell her not to move. Clearly it is not in her best interests to be in a place where she only has you. So that leaves you moving and being willing to live apart possibly forever, or breaking up in the long run (because you’re obviously not interested in being long distance forever. There are very few couples who are happy to stay long distance indefinitely and make it work.)
I too find nights to be the hardest, and sadly I don’t know anything that changes that. Sometimes watching upbeat movies helps, or losing yourself in a good book. Sometimes reading old cards or love letters, or looking through photos, can give you the warm fuzzies and be enough for that evening. Wearing or cuddling an item of their clothing, or something that smells like them, can be very soothing. Long phone calls can fill the void. Spending time with other friends and family can be a great distraction too. And yet some nights nothing works; but the morning always comes. Remember that: the morning always comes. You can get through this.
