Dear Miss U,
I met my guy, M, through his sister-she goes to my Zumba classes and I’ve known her for a year…she thought we’d make a good match.
When we first started talking he was literally all over me…I couldn’t breathe without him knowing about it….he was sweet supportive and always there for me….we have the same goals and outlooks in life and our plans for the future are pretty much exactly the same… there were times our personalities and thoughts were so similar we’d shock ourselves….and we both have very strong feelings for each other.
My problem is this: he’s made it very clear that when he’s stressed or busy he likes to isolate himself…I don’t necessarily think that’s healthy but I’ve been trying to accept it….I text him and he doesn’t reply, I send videos and audios and pictures…everything I can think of to let him know I care and he acts as if I don’t exist….he makes me feel disrespected and unappreciated when he does this and even though I’ve made it very clear how it makes me feel and how much I don’t like it….he doesn’t seem to care.
This is someone who I might end up marrying (I come from a culture of arranged marriages) and he thinks its ok to treat me this way….help
Please note this is the 2nd LDR I’ve been in and the first one ended terribly 🙁
Sincerely,
Barakasally
Greeting B,
If he’s isolating himself, and then something terrible happens and you need him, does he drop everything to support you? Do you still feel like he is there for you and you can rely on him during these periods of withdrawal or is it as though he checks out of the relationship completely and you’re on your own? Because to me, that’s the key difference.
If he needs time to withdraw and recharge and has told you that, yet you still send him lots of messages and get offended when he doesn’t reply then you’re disrespecting him, not the other way around. He has every right to take time for himself to be alone, just as you do.
If however he is checking out of the relationship entirely for more than a few hours at a time, then that’s something I know I personally couldn’t deal with in a partner. When you’re committed to someone, you’re in that relationship full time, you can’t just opt out because you have other things going on.
From the overall tone of your letter, I believe it might be best to end this relationship now, while it’s still early, before you invest too much of yourself in it. If this withdrawal thing he is doing is a deal breaker, there’s no point in continuing onwards. You can’t change him.
Dear Miss U,
My long distance partner lost his phone in June. He messaged me on FB to tell me what had happened and that he would try to get a phone soon and try to meet up with his cousin to call me off his phone. 2 weeks later he called me off his cousins phone and we spoke and he said he would get a phone soon, it was a nice short conversation. But now it has been 4 weeks since I last spoke to him, his cousins informed me he still has no phone but I’ve had no contact from him, no message no call. I’m confused and upset, my friends say the relationship is over but I still love him, is it over or do I wait? I’m so confused, what advice would you give in this situation. Thanks.
Riah
Hi Riah,
I think this depends entirely on what kind of internet access he has. At his age, it isn’t unbelievable he might be phoneless for a while, and the relationship is young enough that he might not realize he should be making contact between you a bigger priority. So, does he usually contact you or others via the internet? Does he have access to a computer at home or school/work? Does he know your mailing address?
If he has other ways to contact you without needing a phone, and yet doesn’t, then I’d agree with your friends that it’s over and he’s just too gutless to admit it. However, not all people have the same level of privilege, so he might not have a way to stay in contact without constantly bothering his cousin and is right this moment pining away after you. If you don’t know for sure either way, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt a little longer.
In the meantime, work on preparing yourself mentally for this to be over. You might never actually get closure if he is just avoiding you; and that can be hard in itself. Overall, you don’t have to make a decision or take any action right now. Nothing bad will come of waiting and healing slowly; so give yourself that time. He will either come back into your life, or one day it simply won’t hurt so much and you’ll move on. Alternatively, if you’re close enough with his cousin, you can ask his cousin to be straight with you and tell you if your boyfriend considers the relationship finished.
