Dear Miss U,
This relationship has been the best relationship we’ve ever had as well as the longest. I remember the first 8 or so months we were completely pulled in about making the distance work, we made promises to always stay together no matter what & that such. I live in North Carolina, she lives in Wisconsin. I went to see her for the first time back in April, it wasn’t long but it was the happiest we’ve ever been in our entire lives.
Then summer came. We both knew before summer even started that this was going to be a rough time for us & it has been. She’s been working full time every week, & she comes home & has to clean almost all day, so she’s been really stressed & tired, & we don’t really have much time for ourselves to talk, or call or Skype anymore or do much to connect with each other. We’ve been arguing a lot lately over small things but we haven’t argued for a week now which is an improvement that I aimed for. However now things have been off, she hasn’t been saying I love you as much, she doesn’t compliment me, just, lots of things are different. Yesterday she told me it was because she doesn’t know how she feels about me or us anymore and has been saying things like “What’s wrong with me?” I’ve been patient with her and letting her figure things out, but I really don’t want us to end, especially not when our one year is in 3 days & in just 10 months we planned for her to stay here with me when we graduated. Will it be better after summer maybe? What are your thoughts?
Some Worried Guy
Dear Some Worried Guy,
Emotions are fluid. Love is as water. Some days there’s a high tide, and it overflows everywhere, and other times it feels like a drought – most often when we are stressed or crazy busy with other things. What I can tell you is the way your girlfriend feels now is perfectly normal. There’s nothing “wrong” with her. But it is alarming, especially the first few times it happens!
I can’t tell you when it will be better, but I can tell you that when it is better it probably won’t be the same. The first few months of a relationship are not perfectly indicative of what the “forever version” of that romance is going to be like. So when it does get better, it probably isn’t going to be an overwhelming rush of obsessive infatuation. It’s going to be a warm, safe, comfortable thing. An appreciation. An awe at the beauty of your compatibility. There will be less I-have-to-have-you-now and more thank-you-I-feel-so-safe/supported/inspired. There comes a time where you know when you argue that you are on the same team, sorting something out and that whatever the thing is, it does not have the power to break your relationship.
The easiest way to remind ourselves that “yes, I do love this person” is to have fun with them in a low-stress environment. When every day stresses are reduced to the point where a person stops feeling like they are drowning, they finally have the energy to feel strong emotion for their partners again. Or, that’s how it feels to me. I do not have a degree in anything though, so take this anecdotal evidence with a grain of salt.
For now, keep doing what you have been doing. Support her. Help with whatever you can (not easy at a distance, but try anyway) and if you can make her laugh (at the appropriate time, so she doesn’t feel like you’re not taking her problems and feelings seriously) do so.
Some days love is a wild uncontrollable beast. Other days it has to be a choice.
Happy anniversary.
Dear Miss U,
My gf and I have been together for more than a year now. Living in different countries at the moment.
Our relationship is wonderful whenever we’re together and also when we text and Skype on a daily basis. Usually more than once a day.
The last few weeks I’ve been bothered by her lack of affection whenever we texted or talked on skype. I felt like this before with her but only when we were away from each other. She doesn’t send a kiss, hug or text anything sweet to me. Even when I say something affectionate to her (which happens pretty. Often) she’s doesn’t respond with any warmth. I communicated my feelings to her and she said she has been feeling numb for a while, partly because of the distance, and it has nothing to do with how she feels about me. She also said this things should happen naturally. i understand that it’s hard to be romantic and loving when you’re numb and stressed out but still I can’t help but feel hurt by this cold behavior. It’s strange since I know she cares about me very much and we’re already talking about closing the distance in a year.
Am I being needy here? Should I just accept that my gf doesn’t feel like being affectionate to me while we are away from each other?
Guy
Dear Another Worried Guy,
This is a hard one to answer indeed, because the thoughts I have on it contradict each other.
On one hand I totally agree with her that it should come naturally. It shouldn’t feel like a chore, or worse, a lie. On the other hand I believe that in relationships there is a little bit of doing-things-we-don’t-want-to-do to meet the needs of our partners.
At a base level relationships are a kind of contract. An agreement whereby both people (or all people if you’re poly) get their needs met in an exchange for taking care of the needs of the other person. It’s a give and take, and being away from each other isn’t an excuse to stop contributing to the relationship.
I feel that seeming you are both right, there must be some kind of acceptable compromise. If she’s not comfortable sending a kiss, hug or sweet text, ask her in what way is she comfortable with showing her affection. Perhaps she’s more likely to make time to bake and post cookies or she shows her love through compiling playlists of music she’d like to share with you. Talk about it again, and keep talking until you both reach a solution you can be comfortable with.
It isn’t “needy” to desire affection within a relationship – and LDRs are not an exception.
