Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I are very much in love and we have started to talk about a future together. Things have gotten steadily more serious and seems to be progressing nicely.
He has an older sister who lives a long distance away from him, she is his only close relative. He has often told me that she is the only person that he confides in and he tells her everything that is important in his life. Yet he is keeping our relationship a secret from her.
I have been to visit him and I have met many of his friends and he has told his other friends about me, yet he is still hiding me from his only relative and I can’t understand why. This is very confusing to me and makes me feel a little bit ashamed. When I asked him why he never told his sister, he only said that he didn’t want her to worry about him. I’m not sure if I should be concerned about this.
Any advice?
Whisper
Dear Whisper,
It sounds to me like he is worried about her reaction and that makes me wonder if he has had a past LDR that she wasn’t terribly supportive of. Early in a relationship I don’t think it’s such a big deal if people want to wait and see where the relationship goes before they tell everyone about it, but as you’re nearing the one year mark, I’d be making a point to bring this subject up again.
I feel this is probably more a reflection of their sibling relationship rather than it is anything to do with you but It is a horrible thing to feel as though your partner is ashamed of you, so I would encourage you to explain to him how this makes you feel. Be direct, use plain language. Don’t hint. Just tell him how it makes you feel when the most important person in his life doesn’t even know you exist.
I don’t think you really need to be concerned over it, but I do believe you are within your rights to have this resolved.
Dear Miss U,
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost a year now. Everything has been going really well lately. We have our ups and downs but we are definitely at a high right now. We text and send little Snapchat videos and pictures every day and talk on the phone when we can.
The only thing is my parents don’t want me dating. They want me to wait till I’m 18 (my birthdays in July). I respect and love my parents but I can’t just end what we have. We’ve been together for almost a year now. He’s my best friend and the only person I ever want to talk to. So I’ve kept it a secret from my family. Which sucks so bad and makes Skype and phone calls almost impossible. I wish I could just talk to them freely and have their support. I’ve tried talking to them about it but they wouldn’t budge and just get more upset, so I haven’t tried to push it.
But my boyfriend is coming to visit some friends in the area in December. I know I can find a way to be with him but it just feels wrong sneaking around all the time. I know I’m only 17 and I need to obey and respect my parents but I’m not about to throw away the most amazing person I’ve ever had the privilege of meeting.
Should I keep things secret and risk the respect of my parents? Or should I tell them and risk losing my boyfriend? Please help!
Anna
Dear Anna,
I personally feel that it’s completely ridiculous for your parents to expect you not to date anyone until you are 18, as though the minute the clock ticks over you’re suddenly going to be better prepared for the world of romance. Their baby is going to grow up and they can’t stop that, all they will find themselves doing is pushing that child away and into potentially dangerous situations – which is what meeting someone off the internet for the first time is. (I’m not saying it is wrong or that you shouldn’t do it – I did it too! – but I am saying it can go badly and there are some precautions that should be in place.)
I can’t decide for you if you should tell them or not. But I can tell you that when you meet him a responsible adult you trust needs to know about it. Tell that person in advance where and when you are meeting him, have them call to check on you a couple of times, and make sure they are licensed and available to come pick you up that day if something goes wrong. Be smart with your safety.
Respect. Yes. You do need to respect your parents and treat them with respect, however that’s a two way street, they need to respect you too and that includes supporting you as you grow into a young dating woman. Parents are just humans, and they can be wrong. It is good that you don’t just blindly obey them, or anyone. It’s also really good that the dishonesty bothers you.
I think you need to examine how much control they actually have here, and how likely it is that they’ll suddenly be ok with you dating once your birthday rolls around. If you were to tell them now, and to ask permission to meet him thus getting not only their blessing but increasing your safety, can they actually cut your contact with him if it goes badly or do you have a way to stay in touch that they do not control? Do you have a job and the ability to have full reign over your own communication devices?
You know them better than I do, and you need to live with the consequences of whatever outcome eventuates. This is your life, above all else. Make the most informed decisions you can; at 17 you are very nearly an adult, so you may as well treat yourself like one.
