Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months now the last time I wrote to you was in march 2015 that was the start of our relationship, you advised me to wait at least one year then I could start planning the trip to Germany in two months will be one year, I’m thinking to travel in January in January 10th Will be his birthday. I have been saving money lately, the last time you advised me that I was old enough to make my own decisions, and I’m still maintaining to that, I haven’t sit my mother, and father discuss with them about this that I’m traveling to Germany to visit a man who they do not know, myself I don’t know how will be my family reaction, I have made up my mind to marry him for the fact that it’s the only way for us to be together, honestly this will be very difficult for my family to see my point of view just to put it out there I’m Christian ,and his Muslim. Please help me what’s the best way to let my parents know without it bringing a conflict between me and my parents, Everything seems good from his side he have send me pictures of is family, and friends, though there’s a language barrier but I have spoken with his older sister on the phone, also some of his friends as well pretty much they always say good things about him, my heart feels very safe with him, whole is family knows about me including his mother, but I haven’t told my family nothing yet I’m afraid to be turn down by my family. Please!!!!! Help I can’t afford to lose him or my relationship with him. Is this the right moment to reveal the secret to my family?
Melinda
Hi Melinda,
Great to hear you are still together.
If you are ready to talk to your family, then do so. You know your family best. Perhaps you will want to speak to one parent at a time so you don’t feel outnumbered, or maybe that isn’t a concern for you.
You could invite them out to dinner, or choose a time when you know they are more likely to be amicable. Some people, for example, can’t focus on big discussions in the morning, while others are alert in the morning but stressed at night. Find a time they are likely to be receptive to your news, a time when there won’t be interruptions, but also when there’s a limit on exactly how long you will need to be there in case it goes badly. Having an escape (“sorry, we’ll have to talk more later, I have a class in twenty minutes”) comes in handy if the conversation starts going in circles.
When you talk to them keep in mind that whilst they are your parents and you respect them, this is your life, not theirs. You are using your money, not theirs. You are an adult. You are not asking permission, you are sharing an exciting development in your life. You are not apologetic; you are not doing anything wrong.
Secondly, leave the whole marriage thing out of it. Way out of it. You don’t need to be going there right now, and frankly it’s pretty daft to marry someone you’ve never met or only just met. No one is going to take you or your relationship seriously if you tell them you’re planning on marrying someone you haven’t met yet. That’s crazy talk. Don’t. Just don’t go there. Building the foundation of a lasting marriage takes time and if you’re going to be together your whole lives there really isn’t a rush. One thing at a time.
Will you have to cross this bridge to close the distance? Yes, most likely you will. But at 20 years old it’s not something you need to be focused on now. Right now work on meeting him and having him meet your people. Work on having your relationship recognized and accepted. It would be foolish to freak your parents out with talk of marriage at a point where they are just getting used to you dating a man from another country. Your parents are smart enough to figure out that if your relationship goes the distance it will result in a marriage. Let that come naturally. My best advice is to fill them in on the fact you are dating him, and are going to travel to meet him in January, and to let them digest that before talking marriages or conflicting religions, unless they ask you about these things directly.On the differences of religion, I know for some families that’s a huge really crushing thing, which saddens me. I don’t know why we can’t respect each other’s beliefs and be happy that the people we love are happy, but often it doesn’t work that way.
Mr. E and I are not of the same faith, but luckily our families kept their opinions on that to themselves. Between us though, it was important to discuss what our home would be like once we were together, particularly what holidays we would celebrate and how we would raise any children. Discuss this with each other, because no doubt your family will pepper you with questions on the subject.
It could also be helpful to draw up a list of correlations between your religions. Find the things that are the same, or are roughly the same. It’s much harder to hate a person or culture if we can relate to it, so help your parents relate.
Remember too that matters of spirituality are a personal thing. It is ok to say that it’s a private matter between the two of you and your God(s) and leave it at that.
Good luck. I know this is daunting for you, but sometimes you just have to get it over with. And who knows, maybe they’ll take it better than you expect!
Dear Miss U,
We just recently started dating, but we became each other’s best friend when we began to hang out in April of this year and it’s been one of the best friendships I’ve ever had. Less than week of starting to date he asked me if we should break up and he asks because he doesn’t want to hurt me or lose his best friend. We again talked about it and he believes I’ll lose feelings and get a new boyfriend and I’ve explained that that won’t happen because I’m not that type of girl. He, also, thinks we won’t work because we aren’t in love and he had asked me a lot earlier if I was and he told me not to fall quickly. So I want to know if I should just let him go now before he leaves or should we wait and see if it’ll work? Do we have to be in love to make a LDR work?
VANE
Dear Vane,
Dating is dating. It doesn’t particularly matter where you do it or if you are in two different places while you are doing it. Lots of people date before they fall in love, because to them that is the point of dating – to find out if that potential is there.
To me personally, I don’t really see much difference between dating long distance and maintaining a long distance friendship, other than the label. You are going to be in contact anyway because you’re good friends, so you may as well continue dating and see if feelings develop.
A lot of people don’t find long distance relationships particularly enjoyable and wouldn’t understand why you would do it if you weren’t in love. But again, if you’re going to be talking to him anyway, what differences do you expect there to be depending on whether you’re dating or not?
Talk to each other, and figure out what each of you wants and needs from a relationship.
And tell him not to worry so much about hurting or losing you! Sometimes relationships don’t work out. That doesn’t mean the people in them can’t maturely recognise that and just remain close friends. Sometimes people make for great friends but terrible partners, and other times great friendships make the foundation of truly magical marriages. You don’t know which one you are going to be until you try.
