Dear Miss U,
We met online, he lives in USA and I’m in Australia. Due to my past bad experiences, friendship was all I was after despite his admission to having feelings for me early on. The more we talked, however, I found myself falling for the goof.
We talked it out and admitted that we wanted to be in a relationship, so we began to plan it out. I’m going there to visit next year, then he plans to move here. We’ve discussed the obstacles we would face such as visas, our families, work etc. We knew it was going to be hard but we believe it’s worth it.
We’ve got a 16hr time difference; he wakes up and I’m falling asleep, I’m starting work as he’s leaving. We still message daily but Skyping and phone calls are virtually non-existent which is really starting to mess with the relationship.
He makes me laugh and my heart race. He accepts my insanity and changed the way I see myself, even when I believed I wasn’t worth it. I love the stupid dork wholeheartedly, flaws and all.
Is it unrealistic to trust these feelings I’ve developed since so far it’s been all online?
As he is planning to move here, is it wrong of me to want him to apply for a permanent residency working visa rather than a partner visa even though I fully intend to be in a committed relationship with him?
What can help with the time difference that doesn’t involve either of us forfeiting sleep or getting in trouble at work?
And am I deluding myself and being a masochist by believing that this will work out?
Mebl2ChiTown
Dear Mebl,
You could say you have a sixteen hour time difference. Or you could say you have an eight hour time difference. The world is round, so it can go both ways. You can choose to see the hard side, or you can opt to remain positive. I feel it’s particularly important to point out in these situations that for people with regular life restrictions (ie, working or studying during business hours and sleeping at night) a twelve hour time difference is a lot harder to deal with than say an eight or sixteen hour difference. I say this because in a long distance relationship perspective is everything. If you fall into the trap of feeling sorry for yourself, you won’t make it. So give yourself a good shake, accept that this is what you have to work with, and appreciate that it doesn’t suck a whole lot worse – because it could.
Managing a time difference isn’t easy, especially if you have poor flexibility in your day to day lives, but if spending time together (on Skype) is a priority for you, somehow you will make the time. It might only be a few minutes or you might have to multi-task, but you can do it. Look for the free chunks of time in each of your days. Do either of you commute on public transport? How long are your lunch breaks? Could you Skype while one of you cooks dinner and the other is getting ready for work? Could someone get up (and go to bed) just an hour earlier?
There was a time I’d get up at five am to Skype with Mr. E because that was his lunch break on the other side of the ocean. I didn’t like having to miss my favorite shows to get to bed at a reasonable time and he felt awkward at first Skyping in a public place, but that was what our relationship needed at that point in time, so we did it. When that stopped working for our schedules we made a new plan. Look for windows of opportunity, and don’t pass them by just because they are not ideal. You may have to talk less during weekdays and more on the weekend. Or you may have to do the bulk of your communication via email (or some other method where you don’t need to both be online at the same time) and save your short calls for just being together. Save that time, even if it is just ten minutes for love, reassurance and most importantly, fun! If your relationship is fun you will want to keep working at it.
I think everyone who has ever fallen in love online has these doubts and fears. It’s hard to trust that your feelings are real. I personally believe you can not know (or at least admit to yourself that you’ve always known,) that this person is as perfect as you imagine until you meet face to face. You do need to actually breathe in their pheromones and witness their annoying habits up close. But that doesn’t mean you are imagining the bond you feel. If you are both being your genuine selves you probably have a remarkably good idea of what this person is like and how compatible you are. I feel it is safe to trust your feelings while you wait for that in-person confirmation.
On the visa front, it can be much harder to get a working visa than it is to get a partner visa and the government are very thorough. If you decided to change to a partner visa part way through the application process or his work visa was denied and then you tried to do a partner visa there could be regrettable consequences. It is best to just be honest, particularly for visas to Australia where De Facto Relationships are recognized. You don’t need to be married to get a partner visa for Australia, so there isn’t a reason to avoid declaring you are in a relationship. (To help your visa process along you can register your relationship with the government long before starting the visa process.) Obviously you know your individual circumstances best. When you have read the literature available on the government’s website you can make the decision together about which visa is more suitable, but if he is moving to Australia primarily to be with you it doesn’t really make sense to lie about that.
There is no reason your relationship won’t work just because it’s internationally long distance and you met online. If other people can successfully do it, what makes you think you can’t?
Dear Miss U,
I sent a question several months ago and my partner and I were able to work things out then. Thank you for your advice! I am returning to ask for more advice lol. My partner is studying abroad and will return in December. I’m really excited to see him again; however, I’m also feeling empty and disconnected. We saw each other twice before he left, but overall, we have been in separate places for almost 6 consecutive months. I identify as demisexual and I feel like our emotional bond is practically gone. I use to feel devastated about it but now I don’t even think about it or have any emotional ties to it. I still love him; I know if I called it quits I would regret it. At the same time, I’m really bored with the LDR and think it may be best (or easiest?) to separate. The memories we share are more just memories (and sometimes dream-like) to me now as if he had passed away, I went through the anger/sad and denial phase, and now am in the acceptance/moving on phase. I’ve tried to voice this to him but he never seems to understand or really want to talk about it (because of his lack of understanding). I’m tempted to demand his time to listen to me really open up about it, but am also unsure of why these feelings for the relationship are present. And what if they instantly disappear when I see him again? I’ll have moments where I think too much of him and start to cry because I wish to be together so much but know for the time being it is impossible. What do you think?
Mystery K.
Dear Mystery K,
I feel that as December is just around the corner it might be worthwhile just to hang in there and see how you feel once you are back together. It’s great that you’ve expressed your concerns to him, but as you don’t feel heard I think it is really important to demand his time to listen, if that’s what it takes. Be clear about how distressing this is for you, and that the relationship won’t survive without his help.
Go into the conversation with the goal of putting into place some kind of strategy to help remedy your feelings and re-establish that emotional connection. Love is often a choice, one that takes work from both parties. Relationships, like cars, require maintenance to run. Explain this, and hopefully he will get on board with trying to address your needs, even if he doesn’t completely understand. And you have to accept that he may not understand. He may want to, but it could be too far removed from his own experience. The important thing is that he cares and wants to work with you on a solution. If he wants you to be happy and is willing to put in an effort, you have a winner.
Lastly, focus on having fun together. It is easy to love someone who makes you laugh. It’s natural to feel desire for the people who make us feel good when we are with them (even if “with” is only mental/emotional at the time.) Fun is under-rated in relationships, but it is key to remembering why you like each other.
