Dear Miss U,
My long distance boyfriend and I are having big problems following the times we have together. We manage to see each other every few months, for 3-4 days each time, and our time together is wonderful without any problems.
However, when we have to go home, we both have big problems going back to our normal lives and not spending too much time longing for the other person. He becomes snappy and short tempered for a few weeks after we meet, and just upset in general, while I become quite introverted and shut off from everyone except from calling my boyfriend.
Do you have any advice for us both to deal with the separation pains? This is putting a lot of stress on our relationship as it has begun to lead to resenting our time together simply because it is difficult to part. Other than this we have a fantastic relationship that I would not give up for anything.
Kiera
Dear Kiera,
This is basically a matter of self-control. You are both obviously aware that you do this; that you act out negatively because you’re overwhelmed by your feelings, and so the next step would be to stop doing it.
Pay attention to the things you do and say, and as soon as you realise you have spoken or acted poorly because you are hurting, apologize. Saying you are sorry won’t make it better, but it helps other people know that you realise you’re doing the wrong thing and you don’t mean to hurt them. Hopefully it will help them show you greater consideration.
Simply, it isn’t ok to make others hurt because you’re hurting. You need to stop yourself from doing that. There isn’t really a “how.” You just do.
Having something you do together at a distance that you really enjoy and look forward to can help ease the strain. Make sure you are enjoying all parts of your relationship, not just the times you are together because these long days of LDR are a part of it. This is your life, you are not waiting for life to begin, every day is a day you don’t get back. Don’t waste that precious time feeling sorry for yourself. Don’t feed those feelings, counteract them by counting your blessings. In the end, you are only hurting yourselves and each other, so make a commitment to stop doing that.
Long distance is a choice. A choice you have made because it enriches your life to have the other person in it. Remember that.
Dear Miss U,
I am torn. Recently, I got back into contact with my high school crush. In high school, we casually hooked up but when I brought pursuing a relationship to his attention, he backed out because he was still hung up on an ex. Once we graduated, I quickly moved into a 1 year relationship and I broke it off about 6 months ago. Now, I am in college in Philadelphia and my high school crush is stationed in Hawaii in the military. I decided to reach out to him and see how things were about 3 months ago. We haven’t stopped talking since then. It is obvious that he has matured a lot and asked me to pursue a relationship knowing that he will be in Hawaii for another 2 years and half of that time he will be deployed on and off across seas. He is coming home for 2 weeks in November and we plan to spend as much time together as possible. As soon as the two weeks are up, he is deploying. My feelings for him are so strong. I can see us having a future together. I am not worried about his loyalty to me at all. I am worried about the pain that I will have to face not seeing him. Even now I am very sad waking up knowing that I still have a couple weeks until he’s home. I want your opinion on whether I should stick it through and make it work. I do not want to lose this opportunity of having a relationship with someone I have always cared so much about. Please help!
Mel
Dear Mel,
Sometimes in life it really feels like we don’t have a choice, doesn’t it?
Obviously if you decide not to commit, you’re still going to think about him. You’ll still miss him. You’ll still compare other prospective partners to him and wonder “what if…” so, unless you believe you can 100% let this guy go, you may as well throw yourself into this relationship. There’s going to be some level of heartache regardless, so you may as well see if you can make this attraction into something that stands the test of time (and distance!)
