Dear Miss U,
I am really struggling, especially lately with my relationship. We live 3 and a half hours away from each other but I do not drive and his car doesn’t have the ability to come down here. Any way, we visit every couple to a few months now. My main questions of the problems that I am dealing with are as follows: (His ex-girlfriend was forced to be sexually acted upon at a party so now he is overprotective of me). Is it normal for him to be upset whenever I wear makeup (he loves me naturally) and whenever I straighten my hair because it looks fake? Also, he does not let me/like me to wear leggings, short dresses, or short tops in public. I have gone to a few parties and gotten drunk and he falls apart every time…sometimes I go to forget about all of that. A couple of times, some things happened that have terrorized me every second of every day. A guy kissed me and I got angry and almost slapped him, I didn’t want it. Also, I apparently made out with a girl (I’m NOT a lesbian but I was drunk) and flashed people…I had no intention of doing so. I’m not sure if I’m reacting to the controlling parts of my boyfriend or..? He also hates religion and I’m Catholic and doesn’t even want to visit my house anymore because my mom makes him come to church with us. He had to before and got so upset and was upset for a good part of the day and even ignored my friend that day because of it and that he doesn’t like her. I know this is so much, but I need emotional help. We are in love but stuck.
Anon.
Dear Anon.
That is a lot to work through! I will give you the best advice I can, but after you talk to him you may still need to get some sort of counseling with him for him to work through his issues.
Firstly, what he is doing with his ex-girlfriend and by trying to restrict your clothing/makeup is called victim blaming. It’s a product of rape culture. Basically, it’s the ridiculous belief that men are so unevolved from animals that they can’t control their urges, and thus women need to protect themselves from men by dressing modestly. This is out dated bullshit that needs to stop.
It is terribly insulting to men to insinuate that they can’t help but rape women. Decent men don’t abuse women – or anyone for that matter. It is not his ex’s fault that someone took advantage of her, and it doesn’t matter what she was wearing. I have a friend who was abducted and raped when she was out in her sweatpants. There’s probably nothing less sexy than sweat pants, but dressing down didn’t save her. Why? Because sexual assault is largely about power, not about how attractive you are. I reiterate: it is NEVER the victim’s fault. If he was mugged you wouldn’t say “oh, you shouldn’t have been wearing a nice suit!” because you know that stealing from people is wrong. Sexual assault is the same.
This is a huge topic, so I encourage both of you to research it. If you’re hard-pressed for a place to start Laci Green on YouTube has user friendly videos that break down why consent is important and why what you are wearing isn’t.
Everyone is attracted to something different, and even in relationships we need to respect that. I think that makeup on men is hot. I would love for Mr. E to walk around town looking like Adam Lambert; at least on date night. But he’s not into that, and it’s not my place to tell him what to do.
Funnily enough, Mr. E really enjoys it when I wear makeup and lots of jewelry, which is basically never. He likes me in flowing skirts with long hair. I like me in a vest and tie with a pixie. So I wear a vest, a tie and I’m rocking a pixie cut. Why? Because the way you dress is a reflection of your personality. (And no, a short skirt isn’t the reflection of a slutty personality. I’m pretty sure “slut” is just another derogatory term used to control women and their sexuality anyway.) The way you dress allows you to express yourself. It allows you to have fun, or to get into a certain mindset. The way you dress can aid or limit your activities throughout the day, which is why we have different clothes for work, mountain climbing, gym, sleep etc.
He is not obligated to like your hair straightened. He’s allowed a sigh of relief at your freshly washed naked face (just as I sigh in relief when Mr. E finally gets around to shaving!) but it isn’t ok for him to dictate to you about what you do with your body. If you feel beautiful with freshly ironed hair, then more power to you because the way you dress is FOR YOU. It’s entirely your business. It’s not about appeasing him. It isn’t about attracting other men. It isn’t about competing with other women. If he can’t grasp this, then perhaps he needs to inflict his out-dated sexist views on some other woman and leave you alone.
On to the drinking; it sounds a lot like you’re just enjoying your wild years. I personally think drinking to excess is a waste of money, dangerous and not the best use of your time but I realize I’m getting old.
To be safe I advise you take a more moderate friend partying with you, if you are likely to drink to the point you don’t know what you are doing. That is if you genuinely don’t know or won’t remember. Me? When I get wild and flash people, it’s because I think it’s hilarious to flash people. I don’t need an excuse to be doing so. I’m having fun, end of story. So ask yourself, are you using alcohol as an excuse to get away with things you think people wouldn’t forgive you for or are you just drinking too much?
Either way I have to question how healthy this relationship is for you if you need to rebel against your boyfriend the way many people your age are rebelling against their parents.
Religion is a big deal. You are going to have to have a long conversation with him about his behavior on this subject. You don’t have to believe the same things, but you do need to respect each other. This goes both ways. It is not ok for your mum to force him to go to church. He has the right to say no, and you need to back him up if your mum gets weird over it. It isn’t ok to force your religion on other people. Ever.
One day you two might live together. One day you might even have miniature versions of yourselves running around making havoc. Because of this, you need to be discussing now how things are going to go down during important religious times. Because there will be family gatherings. You are going to want to go to church and at the very least have him hug you and ask how it went afterwards. Your kids are going to ask questions. Religion impacts our lives and shapes who we are. If he is to love you, wholly and completely, it needs to be in acceptance of who you are and what you believe. And if you’re going to love him as deeply, you need to respect that he doesn’t agree with you and you need to protect him from your family (just as he should protect you from his if they don’t like Catholics.)
Talk these issues out, one at a time. Back yourself up with research where possible. Take a stand. And if his controlling doesn’t stop, say good bye. Love is wonderful, but it’s no justification for being treated as less than you deserve.
