Dear Miss U,
I have been in my relationship for 3 years this coming Saturday and we seem to be having a lot of issues lately. We met at college, so we didn’t always do long distance, but then he graduated leading to a 1 1/2 year LDR (him living at home with his parents, me getting my master’s degree still in college). Him living at home has caused a lot of arguments. I want him to move out and become independent and to stop dealing with a controlling mother who tells him that he needs to be home at a certain time. He wants this also, but full time teaching jobs are hard to find and “these are house rules he has to deal with.” There is obvious love and commitment and I trust that he would never cheat on me (though I have caught him in stupid little white lies). He also trusts that I would never cheat on him. We talk everyday on the phone and we see each other as often as we can, but there is always a feeling of doubt in our relationship on my end. Something just “feels off” sometimes and I can’t put my finger on it. We have talked a lot about marriage, something we both want and soon, but I don’t want that to be the glue that holds us together. It seems that marriage and our relationship is all we talk about and I get upset if we don’t laugh, talk, or connect as much as I think happy couples should. I just want us to feel more “in-love” with each other. Am I being too romantic-minded of a person? Or are these doubts a sign that we’re not right for each other? Are doubts normal in LDR?
Doubtful and Anxious in Ohio
Getting married won’t hold a crumbling relationship together; in fact, the stress of a wedding often breaks people apart even when they aren’t aware an issue is present. In answer to your questions, I think you should first observe yourself – do you notice that you only feel something is off the week before or the week of your period? If yes, then it’s probably just your hormones. If no, and you feel something is off regardless, than you should listen to your instincts.
To feel more in love with each other, look back on the honeymoon period of your relationship – what was different then that heightened your sense of being “in love”? A lot of small romantic gestures fall by the way-side when a couple gets comfortable – they take each other for granted and the romance become less. Perhaps you need to talk about starting to do those things for each other again, or finding other little romantic things to do.
It sounds like you are just not having enough fun together, so you need to find fun things to do to strengthen your bond.
Are doubts normal? That’s a hard question to answer. It depends what doubts and how many there are – but in a really general sense, yes. Doubts are perfectly normal and most people get them at some stage of the relationship. That’s not to say you should dismiss these doubts though. You should get to the bottom of them and find out why you have them and if they can be addressed.
On the issue of living with Mom – Why do you care if he has to be home by curfew? Whilst he is an adult and I agree with you that it’s a dumb rule, it’s her house and his life, and doesn’t really affect you. There are probably some pretty good financial perks to him living with her that may outweigh the lack of independence. Seeming you’re currently long distance and can’t live with him anyway, I’d say you need to back up off him on this issue. If he wants to get out of there, he will as soon as he is able.
Trust yourself
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have only been dating 3 months in person before giving long distance a try. Everything was as good as it could be at first considering the circumstances. We used to Skype every day in the summer. And when he got back to school, it just wasn’t as convenient for him. So I insisted that he’d at least call every night instead, even if it’s just good night. Now we rarely Skype anymore and the phone calls are just long enough to say hello, I love you, and good night. He explained that he wants to do other things like hanging out with friends rather than talking to me all the time, and our hour long conversations just makes it impossible. I feel that he is now seeing the phone calls as chores. I’m frustrated because I don’t see why our relationship should take up less time now that I’m far away compared to when I was there. I suggested setting up a couple of hours every week for ourselves and he just ignores it. He felt like he is doing plenty by just calling and saying I love you. He gets frustrated and angry with me when I bring up the subject. Now, I just feel like an old toy that just sits in the corner. I’m no longer exciting or worthy of his time. I tried applying the advice that was given on this site, but I just can’t get through to him. Am I really the cause of the problem like he insisted? What should I do?
Old and forgotten
You’re not the problem; and my first response is “You should leave him”. You’ve been together less than a year, how much have you really invested in this relationship? Not too much to lose, I’ll warrant. What is so good about him that you want to stay with him when he’d rather do anything other than talking to you? An hour a day is nothing, in my opinion (assuming it’s not all long silences and awkwardness). But, he’s shown you he’s not willing to work on this, or even talk about it, so it all comes down to you – are you willing to put up with it, or not?
It’s him, not you.
