Dear Miss U,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. After the first two I went to Italy for an exchange year (he stayed in Venezuela, where we are from). After that year, I went back to Venezuela but he left to London to do a Masters. After 2 years of being apart, he found a job in London, and I graduated from college. The logical thing to do was to get married so I could also go to London and be with me. I asked him and he said no. So I came to the States, where my family lives, and looked for a job. Now, I’m starting my new job in the US and he’s starting his job in London. We have no plans of reuniting anytime soon. I really don’t see how we could. I’m very hurt because he didn’t want to marry me, but I still love him so much! This past year we’ve only seen each other once (for 3 weeks), because we were either busy or broke. I know I’m definitely not going to go to London anymore because I’m starting a life here in the US, and he feels the same way. He says we’ll make through this and that our love is strong, but sometimes I think… What’s the point? Are we going anywhere? – Adriana
Hi Adriana,
You’re in a tough situation. Many people will tell you that long distance relationships don’t work, and to some degree that’s actually true – because the ultimate goal is to not be long distance anymore. Indefinite long distance does not work in the majority of cases, because it is rare to find a fulfilling functional relationship where both people are happy to continue at a distance – where both people would not prefer to be in a near-proximity relationship.
With that said, the distance does not close itself. It is rare in life for anything to fall into our laps without us having to work very hard to achieve them, and relationships are no exception. Somebody eventually has to compromise. “Making it through” implies that there is a goal at the end, a place to make it to and after four years of being together I think it’s reasonable to actually know when and where that destination is likely to be in your future.
If marriage is not an option for him at this time, you need to find out what is an option. What country do you intend to be in together assuming settling down is on the cards at some point? Can you move to London on a temporary visa until then, to nurture your relationship in close proximity? What compromise would you require from him if you were to give up this job you’ve just gotten to move to him? How long does he intend to work in London?
The bottom line is you need to talk to each other and get some solid answers – something beyond “Our love is strong and we will make it through”. You have a right to know where your future is going and he is part of your future. Firmly but kindly speak to him again, negotiate terms that work for both of you, and then you will have your answers.
Dear Miss U,
I had never felt so connected to anybody in my life. And, even now, I believe he feels the same way — he’d talk about buying a place together, he talked about wanting kids with me. He’d come to see me every month. He begged to meet my parents. I thought that he was the one. He tells me he wants to spend forever with me.
Last week, he also told me he had cheated on me. Slept with three other women and made out with some others — the last one being just 2 months ago. He says they didn’t mean anything and he just didn’t think — that he is selfish and egotistical and just somehow convinced himself that all these meaningless flings were about his weaknesses and not about me at all, that he had no idea what it meant to be in a relationship. He says I am his everything and that he can’t live without me. And, I somehow believe him. I really believe that he was just being childish and immature. And my poor heart had to suffer the consequence. Every time I tell him I can’t deal, he hyperventilates and throws up. And it’s just endless tears from both our ends.
We are currently taking the week to not speak to each other so we can think things through — he to think about how/why he could have done this and whether or not he is ready to grow up and really be with me; and I to think about whether or not I could possibly continue.
So, I guess my question is, do I let my forever go? Is it possible that he can grow up and change? Am I an idiot for even considering sticking around?
~ Losing the love of my life
Dear Losing Love, I am sorry this is happening to you.
He is not a youth anymore – he’s in his 30s! – and you have been together only a year. That’s a lot of mistakes to make in one year when theoretically the relationship is still new and exciting, and it’s a poor excuse at that age to say he doesn’t know what it means to be in a relationship. However, he does score bonus points for being honest with you (assuming he confessed, rather than you pressured him and he told you.)
I believe people give up on their relationships too easy – we are spoilt for choice in so many aspects of our lives, we have a throw-away society. Many people treat their relationships as something disposable too, and I do think that’s wrong. People deserve a second chance – but the fact is people who are satisfied in their relationships don’t go seeking other bed mates (and if you tell me he didn’t seek any of these women, they all approached him and lured him into bed I’m not going to believe you). You need to find out why he cheated. Some people might think it’s obvious – he wanted sex and you’re not there – while others would tell you that if he loved you he’d be able to resist that temptation regardless. Only you and he can answer this question for yourselves.
Finally, no, you are not an idiot. It takes a very strong person to forgive infidelity and a strong relationship to recover from the damage it does. There’s nothing wrong with that. If you want to give him another chance, if you feel you are able to, then more power to you. I personally would advise against it, I think the odds are not good considering how early and frequently in the relationship and he has done this, but people do have the power to change.
Good luck to you, and remember: look after yourself first. If it comes a time where you decide you want out, you may need to harden your heart against his tears and hyperventilation. It’s not your problem. I know it’s impossible to not feel guilty and not care, but staying in a relationship you are not happy in out of pity or fear of hurting the other person is an injustice to both of you.
Once a cheater is not always a cheater.
