Dear Miss U,
My SO and I met on a dating website 7 months ago and I knew early on he was “the one.” We went into this knowing we’d be in an LDR; but we knew we’d eventually be together. Somehow we’d work it out; but it hasn’t worked out so far. I have faith that we’ll eventually be together; but as everyone knows on here, it’s HARD! It seems like his faith in us is dwindling. Is there any way I can build closeness without making it obvious? I want him to think like he came up with the idea too. I’ve read your things to do with your SO in an LDR* and while they’re great; none seem to address his lack of faith in “us.” Can you offer advice on re-building his faith and closeness in our relationship?
Sarah
Hello Sarah,
Is his faith dwindling, or are you just afraid that it is? I notice that people in long distance relationships often cultivate a type of paranoia; developing worries that aren’t entirely founded. Also, the longer people stay together, the more one or both of them start to assume they know what the other is thinking and feeling. Studies have shown that this belief is very misguided, and that open communication is the only way to know for sure.
Additionally, it’s never a great idea to manipulate your partner, even when your intentions are innocent. Coming up with a way to fool him into believing the solution was his is not entirely honest.
That aside, the best course would be to examine why people have faith in their relationships; then display as best you can those qualities that are most likely to promote that. Keep the relationship fun, fulfilling and make progress toward the goal of being together even if it’s only small. Research visas if they are involved, keep track of your savings, count down the time if one of you is committed to a course of study – let him see that it’s not something that will happen in the future, rather it is something that is happening right now (albeit slowly). Provide reassurance. Talk to him about his fears if he has them – don’t disregard them, address them.
Most importantly, be yourself, be open and love him. Everything else will fall into place if that is how it’s meant to be.
* Please note, I am employed by Michelle and Frank, but I am neither Michelle or Frank! I take no credit for the great list of things to do that has made this website popular. I’m just a journalist 😉 Thanks!
Dear Miss U,
We both live in Finland and the distance between us is about 160 miles, which isn’t that bad considering we see each other almost every weekend. But even those five days are hard because we are so crazy about each other. Fortunately, we are together this Christmas because my boyfriend is the sweetest and happens to have some extra money lying around… His family is going to spend Christmas in Florida and he wants me to come with them so that we could be together – so he’s paying for my trip! As you can guess, I’ve been struggling with the question what to give HIM for Christmas. It’s really not that simple… I’m a student – which in Finland means I don’t have a lot of money to spend – and I want the gift to be something that would mean as much to him as the trip means to me. I get to be with my love on Christmas and New Year’s AND I get to visit USA! I’ve never been there and I’m so excited! Another thing is that I’m not sure if he thinks the trip is my gift!
Because I do and I’ve told him not to get me anything else. But I’m not sure if I can trust him 😀 So my problem is much worse if he’ll give me an actual gift on Christmas… I know my question doesn’t really fall into the long distance relationship category but since we live far away from each other and now get to spend the holidays together, I’d like to give something really great and meaning full to my dear boyfriend who’s made it possible. So please, can you help me?
Sanni
Dear Sanni,
When people think of resources, often their thoughts stop at “Money”, but there are many more resources at your disposal. One of the most important ones is time. Time is the biggest gift we have – one only needs to spend a while in the presence of people fighting for their lives to see this. Which is why I suggest giving your time instead. This might mean making something, (A blanket, scrapbook, piece of art, etc) or doing something for him. Making a small stack of coupons is a tried and true gift. Make some classics like “One 30 minute back rub” or a funny one like “Get out of doing the dishes, free!” What about buying him an experience? There are a range of websites that sell discounted vouchers to events, tours and workshops. Is there something in Florida he might particularly like to do?
Perhaps you could go to a photo studio and buy a couple of professional photos. I know a lot of Walmart stores have photo studios (And I assume Florida has Walmart), and if you only buy one or two photos it doesn’t wind up being too costly, but professional photography is something no one regrets. If you don’t like the photos there’s also no obligation to buy them.
Has he mentioned something, possibly more than once, that he would like but you may have thought it wasn’t good enough?
It’s important to realise that gift giving is quite often not even. Some years he’s going to give awesome gifts, other years it will be you. Some years you’ll both be poor and there will be hand-made cards and hotdogs by candle light while other times fortune will smile upon you. Don’t worry too much about it. Enjoy your chance to be spoilt and make your appreciation obvious. Everything else will fall into place.
I hope I could help. I am happy to answer questions that are not LDR centered.
Wishing you a Merry Christmas in Florida.
