Dear Miss U,
My question is how to cope with the loneliness of a LDR? my boyfriend and I text and talk regularly, make trips when possible, but it’s the day to day stuff like watching tv together or eating dinner that just isn’t the same by yourself. Sometimes it is unbearable….I love this man more than I ever thought possible, but the happiness of being together is always tempered by the sadness of being apart. We have only been living apart for about 2 months or so. Does it get easier? And if so, is it bad that it starts to hurt less for him to be away from me?
1600 miles apart…
It does get easier. Humans are remarkable for their ability to adjust to new circumstances. And no, it’s not a bad thing if it hurts less. It means you are growing stronger, and that’s not a flaw.
Everyone copes differently. Staying busy is by far the most effective way to not think of another person, but then it can be hard to fit them in and continue a healthy relationship. Some days being busy isn’t going to work and you’re going to stare blankly at the screen while some corny romance plays, eating way too much ice cream. Sometimes you’ll sleep more than you need to just to hurry the time up.
Sadly, a lot of the time you just need to be disciplined. You need to be able to be hard on yourself, force yourself to get up and keep going without moping. Happiness is a state of mind. You can choose to see the wonderful things about your relationship and not focus on the distance. You can put that wasted energy towards doing something nice for him.
You can do this, because really… What other option do you have? Breaking up? No, of course you’re not going to do that. So the only option is forward. To keep going and get through it.
You can do it. It does get better.
Dear Miss U,
I’ve always been a very independent girl, I’ve never been good at relationships because I needed too much space but with my current boyfriend it’s completely the opposite, I need too much attention.
When we started dating, we were all the time together in a very surprising way because both of us are very independent and we weren’t used to spending that much time with someone.
Then the distance came (6 months ago) and at the beginning it was hard but we could handle it. Two and a half months ago I went to visit him and when I came back is when things started to change.
The first two weeks after I came back, he seemed to need me more than ever and he started to pay me a lot of attention. At the beginning I felt a little stressed but I worked it out and I started to like the attention, it became something normal for me. After those two weeks he suddenly changed and I stopped being a priority for him. I started having a really bad time and in the end I decided to talk to him two weeks ago and since then he’s changed and he does pay me more attention but I feel like it’s not enough. I have changed in this past month, I’ve become an insecure girl that needs him all the time and gets mad if she can’t have him, I get easily mad when we don’t talk on skype (even if we talk on whatsapp pretty often) and I even started to feel jealous for stupid reasons.
I think this is because of the distance because I’ve never been this way and I don’t like myself. How can I change back?
– Changed by Distance
Maybe it’s not so much that you have changed but that you’ve finally found someone who means more to you than anyone else has. Jealousy is horrible, but it’s also natural. The first step is to realise you’re being irrationally jealous. When you can see that you’re being irrational it makes it a lot easier to control. Then talk to yourself. Explain to yourself why there is no reason to be jealous. Tell yourself “I’m going to stop thinking about this now” and then go and do something that will require your focus.
Emotions are fluid. Sometimes you’ll need him a lot, you’ll be vulnerable, you’ll want attention. Other times you’ll wish he’d leave you alone and give you space to breathe.
When you need more from him, it’s fine to say “I need you today”. Some partners even appreciate pointers to some degree. Tell him exactly what you need. If you want him to call you for five minutes before your exam, or you can’t sleep and you want him to sing you a nursery rhyme – ask for it, even if it seems silly. He loves you and your quirky personality. Just make sure you give 50% more than you’re being given. Go out of your way for him too.
You can also use things from the past to comfort yourself if you know you’re being over-the-top clingy that day. Read old chat transcripts or letters (or if you don’t have any, maybe write down some of the sweet things he says to you from now on), look at photos, plan a gift for him, call a friend and talk him up, run yourself a bubble bath and be your own best friend.
Most of all, if you don’t like how you are, don’t give in to the temptation to be like that. Your mind is a strong tool – one that you can strengthen with visualization exercises, meditation and yoga. You control you.
