Dear Miss U,
In the beginning of my boyfriend and I’s relationship I had a male friend who would hit on me and I told the boy to stop and my boyfriend about him and I didn’t want to be mean to the friend and tell him that I did not like him and to leave me alone. Then over the summer I accidentally lied to my boyfriend 3 times about telling him everything and he lied and hid some things too. But then at the end of August when I started high school he suddenly began picking fights with me each week. And I began to make unintentional mistakes such as telling my sister we were together something I wasn’t supposed to do to going out to trick or treat with my friend instead of discussing something with him and going to a club after school to telling my mom we were fighting thus betraying him. Then when we fight I get defensive because he says some really awful things that anger me and I don’t think are true and others would agree. He tells me to make all these lists to fix myself but he won’t make any. And for the last month he has fought me every day over past issues and he nitpicks everything and thinks that each time I speak to a boy we’re flirting.
On Christmas eve we actually didn’t fight but then I passed out and ever since he has gone crazy on me. Yesterday he was threatening me and telling me what to do or else and now he is saying he detests me and that he’s telling my family things and he is calling me a whore and a slut and every other name and telling me to die. I still love him.
Is what is happening in my relationship acceptable?
Too
Too, I think you writing in to this column should indicate to you that, no, this isn’t acceptable. You already know the answer to your question and you already know deep inside that you need to leave this guy, he is a poison to you.
No one has the right to say those hurtful things to you, but someone who claims to love you should never want to say those things, even in anger.
You have the right to tell people you are in a relationship if you wish to, and you also have the right to go to your support people for advice or help. It’s ok to talk about your relationship. You have not done anything wrong, or betrayed him. He also does not own every scrap of your time. If you want to go out, or talk to guys as friends, that shouldn’t be a crime. You shouldn’t fear getting in trouble from your boyfriend. Nor should he be telling you to make lists to fix yourself. You are fine the way you are – if he can’t accept you and love you AS YOU ARE ALREADY he should not be with you.
Learn from this relationship. It tells you all the things you don’t want or need in a man. But then move on.
I know you love him, but love is NOT all it takes. Love is a precious thing – don’t waste it on someone who treats you like dirt, save it for a guy who treats you like a princess, who loves you for your flaws rather than in spite of them.
What you have now is not what love is supposed to be like.
Dear Miss U,
I met my boyfriend in NY, where I live. He is from the west coast and was working in NY at the time. Two months after we met, he had to go back to the west coast the business that he worked for closed down. We decided to see where things would go and continued to see each other. Two years later I am madly in love with this man and I know that he loves me too. He is helping his sister take care of her 10 year old son, and is under a lot of stress that’s work related. I know that it must also be stressful for him to pay for my tickets. It’s almost 2 years since we have been together and he has never visited me or met my family. I usually spend a lot of time with his family when I visit him. It really bothers me that he has not met my family or even talks about it. Also sometimes I feel like he doesn’t have time for me because he is taking care of a 10 year old. He says that because of his situation he doesn’t know if he can give me what I want. Sometimes I feel like I am not a priority to him. When I tell him this he tells me that I am and he feels like he is letting me down. He says that he is not happy and is depressed.
What should I do? I love him beyond words and l feel that we have a special connection. Should I just wait for things to get better for him? How long should I wait for him to come meet my family?
Anna
Anna,
He feels like he is letting you down because he is letting you down. Generally speaking, relationships are more important to women than to their men. It’s not surprising, and nothing to let yourself be upset about, so often if things are a bit lopsided I don’t think it’s a worry. However, there are some big red flags here. Two years is a long time to have not met your family, especially as you seem very family orientated. Something so important to you should be a priority for him as well.
Kids are time-consuming, yes, but it’s not his child and he isn’t looking after him full time. I’m sure with a bit of planning your SO could make a visit to see you. Additionally, I realize that life is hard on him right now – but life tends to be hard on almost everyone. You can’t let it get in the way of things you want, nor should it be used as an excuse. I don’t advocate people wasting their lives by waiting for others. If you’re unhappy, you must be responsible for you. Life is far too short.
With that said, the most fair and comfortable thing to do would likely be to give him a maximum of six months to meet your family and start making you a priority in his life. Let him know you understand that things are hard, but that you’ll be doing yourself an injustice by waiting around if he can’t give you what you need.
I feel like you are in different places in your lives, with vastly different needs and goals. Love is a great thing, but there is more to compatibility than love.
