Dear Miss U,
The distance just makes things hard to fix.
It seems I’m being a crappy girlfriend. I haven’t been the best lately. I feel it’s because I have resentment held. We’ve discussed it & it just hasn’t gotten any better feeling for me.
He has issues with my sexual style compared to his, but it’s mostly about what’s wrong with me.
The other night over Skype, I was telling him about my chiropractor appointments to help my chronic muscle tension. Since the beginning, we’ve discussed my ambition to be a mother one day. We are both in college but he wants to be the one to give me that. So the other night he asked me “have you ever thought about when you get pregnant, it will just tear up your body”. Mostly speaking about my back issues. Many times he has also joked about gaining weight after I have a baby. I’m 33 & he loves the way I look now but makes fun of the fact that I don’t work out all the time. So he thinks I’ll blow up one day. He literally said “I’m fearful that when you have a baby you’ll just be a cow afterwards”. Weight wise I’m fine right now, but I still have body image issues. So that hurts. Is that out of line for him or am I just over reacting? There’s more snarky comments he’s made many times but I’m fairly angry over that & it’s the 3rd or 4th time he’s said something along those lines. I’ve never been overweight in my life, but at 5’8″ &154 Lbs. This is the heaviest I’ve ever weighed. Some of it is muscle I’ve gained. Lol. I’m lost.
Resentful and shamed
Dear Resentful and Shamed,
You’re not a crappy girlfriend. Sadly it seems that you’ve fallen into the trap so many wonderful people do – you’re dating someone who merrily destroys your self-esteem and then for some reason you believe them when they tell you it is your fault. That’s not ok. Love doesn’t do that and I don’t think it is something you could fix, regardless of physical proximity. Someone willing to fat-shame at a distance isn’t likely to use better words when he has a closer view of your body and more opportunities to be critical.
Sex is pretty important, so whilst I don’t know what differences in sexual style you speak of, I’d encourage the two of you to talk through it (possibly with a counselor or other mediator so he doesn’t belittle you and destroy you some more) and make sure there isn’t a compatibility problem looming in your future. Generally, you only get to have sex with your partner (unless you’re non-monogamous, which isn’t “the norm,”) so if you’re in it for the long haul, make sure he’s ticking all your boxes!
Onto your future motherhood, I would implore you not to breed with someone who doesn’t seem to know the first thing about being supportive! That aside, going into pregnancy you already know that your body has challenges, so you’d spend time making sure you were as fit and healthy as possible before you conceived. You’d talk to your doctor and chiropractor, likely get some special exercises and other tips to minimize the impact, and it wouldn’t be the end of the world.
And if you do have a complicated pregnancy full of pain? That’s where he is supposed to step in and help (ok technically he should be stepping it up and helping regardless; but I’m sure you know what I mean.)
As to your appearance, pregnancy doesn’t ruin your body. Or at least, it doesn’t have to. If you go in prepared, if you educate yourself and if it’s something you personally care about you can have some measure of control over the changes. With that said, yes, you’re going to gain weight. On average healthy women gain about 13kgs.
After the baby comes out you’re going to need that body fat to make milk, because women are so damn amazing we can not only grow a new person but we can feed it for six months with nothing but our body’s awesomeness. He ought to be in awe of that, and supporting you, not filling you with fear and shaming you for something he clearly isn’t educated about.
Of course your skin is going to feel a little weird for a while. Your belly will feel empty and a bit stodgy for a couple of months. Your face might have dark patches for a while and your hair will fall like leaves in autumn. But love – deep abiding love based on respect and friendship – will think you have never been more beautiful. The kind of love that’s worth procreating with doesn’t care that you are healing for six weeks and he’s got his hand and a bottle of conditioner in the shower for company. And love certainly won’t make you doubt yourself and your body any more than is natural for a first time mother, because he knows you’re out of your depth already. He’s there to build you up, not tear you down. To put it bluntly, aim to have children with the kind of man who would put cream on your hemorrhoids and then kiss you and tell you you’re beautiful; if you can’t see him doing that, find someone who will.
I think it’s perfectly normal for you to feel resentment over these comments and that he needs to knock it off, apologize and generally work on being a kinder human. It will take time for those hurtful words to fade and for you to overcome the doubts he has planted in your mind, but if he takes your concerns on board and makes a change eventually enough time will pass for those wounds to heal. In the event nothing changes however, please don’t put up with this. You deserve better. Stop selling yourself short, because even if you were hugely overweight, you’d still be a better, more beautiful, person than who he has been recently.
Remember to be your own best friend.
Sincerely,
Miss U.
