Dear Miss U,
Recently you gave me advice on how to deal with the pain caused by such a large distance. It was fantastic advice and worked well but unfortunately I find myself in need of your advice again. I have been paying for a trip to India through an organization called world challenge and they are offering a once in a lifetime opportunity that could even help me get jobs etc. in the future, although it costs a lot of money and keeping up with payments can be stressful. I’ve also been looking at flights and accommodation as I’ve been planning a trip to see my other half, I’d love nothing more than to finally be with them! The problem is, I could fly out and visit for 2 weeks for half the price of the India trip but I don’t have the time or money to do both. My other half is keen for me to go to India but we both long for each other terribly. Should I cancel India and lose £1000 but get to see my love or do I try to endure the pain for what could end up being another whole year? Perhaps it would be wiser to wait till after my 18th birthday before booking flights etc but this is such a big dilemma for me, I hope you can help.
Kind regards,
Jack
Dear Jack,
I’m glad to hear I was able to make myself useful last time you wrote to me.
This is a really hard decision to make. I personally wouldn’t be strong enough to go to India instead of seeing my partner, which is what I feel you ultimately should do. Choose India. Here’s why: Firstly, because you’re not tied down right now. It’s easy to think you can take off on these kind of trips later, after you close the distance when you see each other all the time, but that isn’t always the case. You don’t know what kind of financial position you’ll be in, or what your commitments might be.
Secondly because, like you said, this can help you in your future. This kind of experience looks really good on your resume. And your future is nir future too. Your other half knows this. You’re going to need each other to have good jobs, and you’re going to want each other to be able to enter career fields that are fulfilling because unhappiness at work is very difficult not to bring home.
Going to India will also give you something to share over the phone to keep your conversations interesting. Moreover, it is a sign of a healthy relationship that you’re able to support each other’s dreams so selflessly. Your partner is obviously a champion.
Lastly, you’re committed. You’ve started paying for India already and you aren’t loaded enough to just throw away the deposit you’ve already made. Although the payments are stressful, it will give you a fantastic sense of achievement when you do finally get on that plane.
Next time, no matter what, choose your partner. Ne shouldn’t have to wait forever. But this time? Invest in your future. Go to India. (And send your love a lot of postcards and small gifts!)
Dear Miss U,
Hi…
There’s this guy I met over an online game, his name is Jan, and he’s 17.
We started texting, sending heart – doing whatever you do when you’re in a LDR.
Then some days ago, he said that he didn’t want a LDR, not because of me, but just in general…
He said, it doesn’t work out, and he wants to be able to touch his girlfriend.
But the thing is, I really don’t know what to do anymore…
I really like him…he even said he were in love with me.
I don’t know if I should “delete” him, well, I don’t wanna do that, because I like him.
I just don’t understand him!
If he doesn’t want a LDR with me, then why does he still say “Damn girl :O” whenever I take a picture of myself, and why does he still send hearts?
He even said today, that he wanted to have sex with me…
I’m so confused!?!?!?! :,(
I really like him, and he keeps hurting me…
I don’t wanna “cut” contact with him, I like him too much…
I really, really hope you can help me!!!
– Maja
Hi Maja,
I’m pretty sure nobody wants an LDR. That’s not why we enter into them.
I know I didn’t want one, personally. And Mr. E didn’t want one either, so much so that for years we didn’t consider ourselves a couple. We even saw other people. But when the heart sets on one particular person, the mind is generally powerless to change that. The mind can “not want an LDR” as much as it likes but that won’t stop a relationship developing.
That’s the thing, you don’t have to be official to be in a relationship. Every time you talk you are building a history together. You are deepening that bond.
If I don’t know the name of something, that doesn’t stop it being that thing. If I have a rose and I insist on calling it a dandelion, that doesn’t stop it being a rose. If I am in a relationship with someone and I don’t admit it, even to myself, that doesn’t stop us interacting as a couple. Do you see where I’m going with this?
Basically, don’t let yourself fret over a lack of labels. Don’t stress over whether he wants a long distance relationship or not. Just relax and see where this thing goes. At the end of the day, calling yourselves a couple doesn’t change whether or not your relationship will flourish. It doesn’t give you any kind of security. So don’t lose sleep over it.
Beside that though, you asked:
If he doesn’t want a LDR with me, then why does he still say “Damn girl :O” whenever I take a picture of myself, and why does he still send hearts?
He even said today, that he wanted to have sex with me…
He says “Damn girl” and tells you he wants to have sex with you because he finds you physically attractive, and because he’s a horny teenager. This doesn’t say anything about how he feels about you as a person, beyond what you look like. It doesn’t tell you he loves you and it doesn’t indicate he wants a relationship. People quite frequently have sex without commitment and without love.
Sometimes in life there’s not a whole lot you can do other than wait and see how things pan out. You don’t have to cut contact with him. You can just enjoy your friendship with him on the level it is at, without pressure to either commit or end it all. Just be smart, be safe, and be your own best friend.
Sincerely,
Miss U.
