Dear Miss U,
We’ve been together for a little over a year now. We live 2,300 miles apart. I’m still at home with my parents and he lives with a roommate. He was just home for ten days for Christmas and left on Christmas eve. Hardest thing ever. But him being home made me realize I can’t do this another year. I need to be with him and I am more than willing to move there. So, clearly I have made up my mind. I guess what I am fighting with is how to talk to my parents about it? Its causing me to be rather stressed out and I feel as though I have no one else I can reach out to about this. So I am writing this in hopes someone has some wise words for me.
– Jena
Good day Jena,
I think making the decision to be the one to move is a big step. These things can’t be spur of the moment though, and whilst it is hard right now, I would suggest doing a few more months of LDR while you tie up loose ends and save any additional funds you might need, even if your SO intends to support you, save a few thousand dollars, enough to fly home in an emergency, and enough to cover personal items until you get a job. If you’re working, find out if a transfer is possible, if not, start job hunting in his area a month or so before you move.
Make sure you lay your plans properly to avoid the embarrassment and stress that comes with a failed move. It’s a great deal easier for many people to close the distance than to keep it closed.
Your parents obviously know you’re with him, but they may not think you’ve been together long enough to consider a move; they may think you’re too young, etc. It’s never a great idea to tell people you’re mature and prepared, it’s best to show them. Lay out your plans on paper before you go to them, so when the questions start they can tell you’re making a mature decision. Remember your parents are likely to care about what’s best for you more than about your relationship. They will want to know what kind of opportunities there are in his area, and that you’re not sacrificing having a career to be with him.
The other thing that scares parents more than anything is the thought of losing their children. Their feelings might also be hurt because you’re choosing to be with him rather than them. Many parents realise that’s the natural course of events, but others struggle with it. You know your parents best. It’s important that you let them see you are grateful for everything they have done for you and that you likely could not have done this without them having been there to support you. If you can include them in your plans, and have enough money for a first visit home to be planned before you move, so much the better. Other than that, be honest and positive, try to be prepared for any reaction and don’t go into the conversation already defensive.
Good luck!
Dear Miss U,
I love my boyfriend very much, and we are mutually thinking about our future together. But there are times where I get upset with him, and I don’t feel comfortable telling him why. I think there are four parts to my problem:
- I know if we were near each other we wouldn’t be having these kinds of complications.
- I tend to think whatever I’m upset with him about isn’t really worth discussing because I’m probably just being immature.
- I’m worried he’ll get mad at me if he doesn’t like what I have to say.
- I’m worried that out of anger I might say something I don’t mean and hurt his feelings
These concerns however don’t keep me from STILL being angry with him, and instead of telling him why I give him the silent treatment until he finally gets me to say why I’m upset. After telling him why he gets more upset with the fact I didn’t tell him sooner. And even though every time I’ve explained myself he’s understood why I still have this problem of telling him my feelings.
Am I being immature or should I tell him how I’m feeling immediately?
– Me
Yes Me, you are being immature and yes you should tell him how you’re feeling. He’s not and is never going to be a mind reader. You can’t just punish a person rather than speaking your mind. Well, technically you can, but you can see that it isn’t getting you anywhere right? He can not learn from his mistakes if he does not know he is making them.
Whist you might not be having these exact complications if you were near each other, you’d be still having complications. Relationships rarely run perfectly smoothly so learning how to deal with problems in the early stages of the relationship are in your best interests, besides that you aren’t near each other right now and you are having these complications – it’s better to work with what you have rather than to make assumptions about what you don’t have.
Maybe your concerns are unfounded or even immature, but they are still your concerns and you still have the right to have them addressed. Often when we talk things over with our partners (or a trusted friend) we realise it isn’t such a big deal and the problem is easily solved. That’s a good thing, not something to avoid. You are just as important as he is.
Who cares if he gets mad? Why does he always need to like what you have to say? Never hold yourself back for fear of your partner’s reaction. We learn a lot about our partners when we disagree with them, and at the end of the day you want someone you’re happy with AND compatible with. Keeping silent does not help either of you learn to work as a team and use your differences to compliment rather than annoy each other.
It sounds like you could benefit from learning to communicate more effectively with people so that you’re able to express yourself clearly without giving into emotion, getting heated and then flying off the handle. Perhaps you might like to look into that. In the meantime, I would advise addressing your problems via text (letters or emails, not text messages.) where you can write out your grievance, wait a little while then re-read and edit out all the nasty parts before you send it.
