A Road Map To Marriage

Dear Miss U,

Over 50

Dear Over 50,

Firstly, good on you for moving on from an abusive situation and for dating again. That takes real courage, and I hope you know how utterly fabulous you are.

I think you just need to have a big honest and possibly awkward conversation, even if the very idea fills you with fear. You need to tell him what you told me. Tell him that he makes you feel wonderful, that you’re falling for him in a big scary way but that there’s this small thing that is giving you some anxiety that you need to clear up. Then, calm as you can, tell him you want him all for yourself. Tell him you want to be officially together so that you don’t have to share him and so you don’t have to worry about losing him to a bolder, braver lady.

Things aren’t so different. A vast majority of the letters I receive deal with people’s fears of infidelity. Both men and women write to me, scared that their partner is sleeping around or will somehow begin. I will tell you what I’ve told them: Good people who are happy in their relationships don’t cheat, regardless of distance.

You are right that is seems more common now for people to have open or “monogamish” relationships, but while those numbers are rising monogamous couples still make up the bigger percent. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be his one and only and if he makes you feel like there is, that’s a red flag.

• Other red flags include:
• Being disrespected. A partner that makes you feel like you are less important than them, or that your job is less important than theirs. A partner that calls you nasty names or orders you to do things for them.
• A partner that tries to dictate how you dress/ present yourself or who tries to choose your friends.
• A partner who doesn’t trust you to have opposite sex friends. (Though plenty of couples tend to have a “no opposite sex friends alone with you in a private place rule.)
• A partner who needs to control you. A partner who expects to know where you are and what you are doing at all times.
• A partner who wants access to all your internet accounts, your phone, etc. (With that said, we have a general no-passwords rule in my house. I am a bit of a controlling partner. I don’t check through my husband’s stuff, but I would feel like I should if he had everything under lock and key. So as with all things on this list, use your judgement and your intuition. If it feels wrong, it probably is!)
• A partner who makes you feel unsafe or who makes you fear for your children.
• They have very few or no friends, and are not in contact with their family. They probably have a host of stories about how everyone has wronged them.

This list is by no means exhaustive.

Conversely, these are some of the things I feel indicate a healthy relationship:

• You like who you are when you are with them.
• They treat you with respect and trust. They don’t talk down to you, or go through your internet history or insinuate you are seeing people behind their backs.
• You don’t feel judged by them, rather you feel celebrated. Embraced. At least some of the time they make you feel fascinating, smart, beautiful, and capable.
• You feel safe and supported. You are not afraid.
  They pursue your dreams alongside you, sometimes even pushing you forward when the wind has temporarily gone from your sails.
• They do small things for you, selflessly. It might be as simple as bringing you a glass of water because you forgot to get one on the way to bed or something bigger like helping you with your garden when you know they’d rather be watching Netflix.
• They look after themselves. From personal hygiene to housework, they take care of themselves and demonstrate that if you became ill or injured you could rely on them to take care of you and the kids too.
• You can talk to them about anything without fear that they would leave you or endanger you in any way.
• They make time to be with you. They make time to have fun and make you feel special. They also make time to maintain physical intimacy within the relationship.
• They have their own life. They have friends that are not mutual and hobbies you aren’t part of. They watch shows that you don’t or read books you don’t like. The things they do alone help them be more interesting, complex people and provide conversation fodder.

I hope that you have found in him the love, respect and support you deserve, and wish you all the best. Perhaps you will write in again sometime and let me know how everything went?

Dear Miss U,

Naggayi

Dear Naggayi,

You have been together three months, and I can assume by your presence on this long distance relationship website that those three months have been spent largely apart. Because you’re basically still just strangers at this point, I believe the best thing for your relationship is to worry less about getting married and more about getting to know each other.

That aside, to “win” a person’s heart is one thing, but to win the heart of the person that is right for you is quite another. That is the heart worth winning. My advice there is to be honest. Talk openly. Share who you are; even the awkward, uncomfortable, unflattering bits. Show your best self as much as you can, but don’t hide away when you can’t. Forgive yourself for being sick, tired, stressed or grumpy and let your love see that you are human. Tell him about the best ways to deal with your less-ideal self. Apologize if you know you’ve been unkind rather than holding onto pride. Take care of yourself and be whole unto yourself. Yes: be whole! Don’t expect a relationship to complete you, present yourself to your partner as a completed self-sufficient package.

To turn a relationship into a marriage? Others won’t agree with me, but in my opinion the key is to not hold back. Don’t wait for that bit of paper to treat each other as you should be treated. Act married NOW. It does no good for a couple to think “oh, s/he will treat me more like family when we are married” or “He’ll protect me from his family’s hurtful comments when we are married,” or “When we are married I won’t have to ask permission to spend money.” (Note: Now is not the time for you to have combined finances. Be smart!) Because if someone isn’t treating you properly when you can easily leave them there is nothing at all that’s going to make them treat you better once you are legally and spiritually tied to them. So give and expect 100% now so that you both know exactly what you are getting into.

Yes, you will both make mistakes. You might hurt each other or miscommunicate. You are still figuring out the rules of your relationship and that is fine. But do your best every day and know that if you’re not happy now marriage is not going to make you happy.

Lastly, beautiful marriages are work. They are full of not-very-beautiful things like caring for each other in illness, cleaning up messes you didn’t make, running errands that in no way benefit you and generally putting another person’s happiness before your own. (They of course are doing the same for you. Your dreams should be his dreams, he wants your happiness with the same keenness that he seeks his own.) Marriage is, for the most part, more comforting than exciting. It is trust and safety. It is home, and routine, and budgets and possibly children – the greatest test of all. It is two people being a team and using their strengths to complement each other’s weaknesses. Marriage is great, I enjoy being married. HOWEVER marriage isn’t something to rush into; it’s something to approach slowly. A contract to be discussed in fine detail, read, re-read and amended. It is something to build steadily with great care and attention.

Start small by being the best person you can be and by knowing what it is you want in life (and from a partner).