Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend is a truck driver who normally resides in Texas. And lately I’ve been feeling like he’s been pushing me away. I love him to death. And he tells me that he loves me as well. But lately I feel as if he’s been pushing me away. I know his job probably stresses him out. I also feel like I’m not really a part of his life. He says that he doesn’t know how to include me in his life because I’m not there. What should I do? I know I can’t change him. And I wouldn’t want to, I love who he is. I just don’t know how to express myself and I know he has that problem as well. But what should I do? I’m afraid that maybe I’m to clingy now. A friend of mine says he’s willing to talk to him to “tell him to get his head out of his ass and realize that I still love him” his words. But I don’t think that’s a good idea at all. I fear that him doing that would just upset my boyfriend.
Thanks,
Severely Confused
Dear SC,
Having your friend talk to him on your behalf isn’t a fantastic idea at all. I would even go as far as to say interference from anyone outside the relationship who isn’t a trained professional hired to council the both of you is a bad idea.
If you don’t feel like a part of his life, and he doesn’t know how to include you, then you need to provide him some ideas. Figure out what you want, what would make you feel included, and then tell him! We could all use a little direction from time to time.
I know, I know, “that’s not romantic!” But maybe it is time we shifted our perception of what romance actually is. Romance doesn’t have to be telepathy. Romance can be our partners caring enough that they listen when we say we need or would like something, and acting on it. Romance doesn’t have to be roses and diamonds. Romance can be remembering your love prefers a basket of seasonal fruit to flowers or dreams of colored stones. Romance can be a night at home on Skype with microwave popcorn instead of a moonlit walk on the beach, so work with what you have and speak up about what you need!
While you’re at it, take note of the incidences that make you feel rejected and then when you speak to your boyfriend you can specifically pinpoint things that make you feel as though he is pushing you away. He can’t stop doing it if he doesn’t know exactly what he is doing.
Sometimes it isn’t really possible to express ourselves well. Sometimes the words come out wrong and we have to apologize and ask for a do-over. Sometimes we need to communicate in writing, getting all our thoughts in order on paper. But however it happens, the important part is that you make sure to communicate. If you can’t communicate the relationship is already over.
I want you to know too that it is ok to have clingy stages. It’s ok to need a little extra love, support and reassurance sometimes. Don’t be afraid to be human! You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Dear Miss U,
I’ve been in deep feelings for a guy I met early in high school (I was a freshman and he was a junior). We’re not together and we’ve never really dated. I didn’t think much of him til my sophomore year in high school but I never said a word to him about how I felt simply because after he planned to join the army after high school. It wasn’t til Christmas break of my junior year I decided to tell him how I felt and, to my surprise, he claimed to feel the same. Since then we’ve talked about how it would be like if we were to be in a relationship but, like I stated before, we’ve never actually dated. None the less, I stay committed to him. He tells me that he really cares for me and wants me to be happy but doesn’t want to be in a long distance relationship. That always has me question if he actually loves me like I love him. I’ve talked to his best friend, who is also in the army, and he told me a lot about how this guy actually feels about me and how he’s in love with me. However, when I ask him myself how he really feels about me, he doesn’t open up to me. So, again, I’m left wondering if he really loves me. It’s been two years now since I’ve told this guy how I felt but nothing has changed between us. I don’t know if I should continue to hold on or move on.
Emerald
Dear Emerald,
When you have deep feelings for someone, in my experience at least, you don’t really have a choice. You can’t decide “this waiting is shit” and then stop feeling the way you do. Sure, you could cut contact and in time the memories would fade and you would eventually form attachments to someone else, but you still may spend your life wondering how things might have been different.
Of course, you can’t force someone to commit to you either. That has to be a choice each person makes for themselves, so in the meantime I would recommend continuing your friendship and flirting, whilst keeping yourself open to other options. If someone asks you on a date, go. Why not? Don’t shy away from parties, conversations, making new friends etc because of this guy, and be honest with him – because you’re not doing anything wrong. Don’t deliberately make him jealous, or play your dates up to be something they are not, this isn’t a game. But do keep your options open. Live your life and have fun. Periodically let him know you are still interested and that you care about him. Send him birthday gifts and Valentine’s cards (or whatever it is in your nature to do) but don’t put all your eggs in one basket because that basket doesn’t yet have your name on it.
Remember too that your relationship with this guy is still deepening. You’re still creating history together, still bonding and sharing this time in your lives. It doesn’t really matter if you’re not officially dating, the label doesn’t change the reality. If he loves you (and I believe he does) he can’t choose not to love you. He can’t choose to fall in love with someone else. He can’t decide to forget you any more than you can decide to forget him; but be prepared for it to take a few years for him to figure that out.
Perhaps when you are talking together of the future you can slip in questions like “what choices can we make to bring us together?” but until then… hold on for one more day.
Comments 1
These are one of the many challenges couples face. I was recently lead to a book that has helped me understand and make things very clear to me. I too and too in the trucking industry and currently in a 8 year long distance relationship. We are 800 miles away from each other and only get to see one another every 4-5 months briefly. We both read this book together and has taught us both to be more committed to our relationship and more importantly committed to "us." Our relationship has went from a good to a very solid one. I hope this helps, this book is known to save many marriages. But it takes some work to truly discovery a partners needs and willingness to make changes to meet those needs. This book will test how important someone is to you., and you HAVE to be open minded. The book is titled "His Needs Her Needs," by Willard F Harley, Jr. Have a great day and wish all of you the best!