Dear Miss U,
We’re together since last year. It is hard, because both of us are blind, completely, and the activities we can do are few. I’d like to see him. To know that he is ok. How can he make money to visit me? We’re really away, I’m from Europe, He America. But we love each other. We will be 18 this year. Yes, we know that isn’t easy. He got a place at a private university and he will need to finish the uni, 3 years…and only after he will move here… I am scared. I love him but the thought of losing him scares me to no end. So…we want to see each other this year. How can we make enough money? He wants to visit me. I want it more than anything.. Please, please help.
Kareen.
Dear Kareen,
Pulling together the kind of money an international visit requires as teenagers is ridiculously hard, I can only imagine how much more difficult it will be to do so with the added challenges of blindness.
I have utmost confidence you will manage this, but realize that doing it within the year might be pushing your luck, because you’ll want to book for an “off-peak” time of year when less people are traveling and the fares are cheaper. This, and other money-saving options need to be looked into to reduce the amount that needs to saved in the first place. Can he stay with you to negate the need for accommodation? Or are there cheap backpacker hostels in your area?
I realize that finding employment is probably arduous for both of you, but perhaps there are job seeker agencies or government initiatives you can take advantage of to aid you in this. I have no way of knowing what your exact community resources are, but both of you should be asking around.
Beyond that there’s gifts. Birthdays, religious or cultural holidays, etc. Ask for money instead of socks and ridiculous bath goods you don’t intend to use.
Usually I wouldn’t suggest it, because I think people need to work hard to achieve their own goals, but honestly I think you could make a good go of it through crowd funding too. Two blind young lovers struggling to meet over a vast ocean? Pretty romantic! It can’t hurt to make yourselves a page and share it widely; at worst all you have lost is time.
It’s tedious, but you can also make money online by taking surveys. I’m not a hundred percent sure of your accessibility with that one, but somehow you’ve been able to fill out the webform to contact me, so I’m guessing there’s software that makes the internet more user-friendly.
You can also have a garage sale or sell stuff on EBay/Etsy to make money. Remember too that it isn’t just about him making money. This visit benefits both of you, thus both of you need to contribute.
Lastly, I want to reassure you that you’re not going to lose him if it takes a while to meet. International long distance is hard and time consuming and bogged down by a ridiculous amount of paperwork, but it is well within your ability to accomplish. You can do this! Love is strong and empowering. And if I’m completely wrong and he does leave you because it’s too hard or taking too long? Consider it for the best, because while long distance is tough you will climb much higher mountains together in your lives and you both need to be confident of the other’s staying power.
I wish you both all the best.
Hi Miss U,
I just want advice. My partner of 2 years recently asked for a space. I don’t know why maybe it’s the constant checking up on her, to include me in whatever she does, knowing what’s she’s been doing. I just want to know what she’s been up to.
Coz she’s been going out with friends more frequently and spends less time with us, even when we have planned to talk over Skype. She’ll blow it off and comes home at late at the most. I know she’s not cheating or anything.
Why can’t we just figure things out while being together, why a space? And my fear is that, giving too much space will slowly drift her away from me. And I don’t want that. 🙁
I love her, I want to save our relationship. I just don’t know what to do right now, I’m trying to fix my end but I don’t feel she’s trying to fix it on her end. Maybe that’s why she need the space for? And what if she doesn’t feel the same way as we did before. I want to fix it, but the problem won’t let me fix it.
I want her back. I really do. Not because of the relationship, but because. I love her, as a person. Relationships can be replaced but the person you truly loved can’t.
And I cannot see myself again without her.
Thanks,
D
Hi D,
If she asks for space that means you need to give her space. I would say that the constant checking up on her is definitely why. You need to understand that the more you try and hold onto her the more you’re actually going to push her away.
Being included in someone’s life doesn’t actually entitle you to knowing what they are doing, where and with whom every moment of the day. She still deserves privacy and your trust. She doesn’t have to answer to you, or to anyone.
Yes it is possible there are things about the relationship she isn’t happy with, things that you need to work out together, but perhaps before she can address those things with you she needs time to sort through her own thoughts and feelings, time to puzzle out prospective remedies. It is also possible that the only problem she has in the relationship is that she’s not getting enough personal space and that once she has enough a balance will be able to be established.
It isn’t cool that she’s blowing off your Skype sessions, but I don’t know how much time you actually spend talking either. Perhaps your Skype sessions are so frequent she simply doesn’t have time to do other things unless she takes the time from there. How much is too much or too little varies widely from couple to couple, but a general guide is to think about how much time you would spend together if you were living together. This has worked for me time and time again.
I know in my household I get about an hour of focused conversation with Mr. E every day. Unless we are having a date or working through a problem that is about all the time we can afford with work, kids, hobbies etc. Then there’s time we are together but not focused on each other, which amounts to about two hours each week day. This can be easily replicated on Skype, particularly when used on laptops or tablets. Sometimes we spend those extra hours doing something together, (like reading, watching a show or playing a game,) but most of the time we are using those hours to relax after a stressful day or complete personal projects. We also rarely send text messages. There’s the occasional “I love you” or “can you run this errand?” message, but there’s never “What are you doing right now?” We know generally what the other is doing – either working, studying, hanging with mates, shopping etc. because we know each other’s routines and have touched on our plans for the day the night before – and most importantly we give each other the time to do those things uninterrupted.
So, to clarify, I believe if you are asking two or more hours of her time every day to focus solely on communicating with you, then you are expecting too much. If you give her space to live her life she will be excited to come home and share it with you over Skype, but if you’re constantly peppering her with texts and questions it will take the joy out of it, and she’ll likely miss opportunities besides, because she’s not living in the moment.
I want to you to realize that her needing space isn’t about you. It’s not an attack against you. It isn’t that she doesn’t love you. She just needs space. You can certainly have too much of a good thing, and that goes for time with our loved ones as well. Be patient with each other and keep talking about what each of you needs to be happy and keep the relationship healthy; you’re doing better than you know.
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As I'm not in your part of the world the best place to start would be google; unless one of the readers here can suggest a site they trust?
He can stay at my place, and my mother will help him with 500 euro for him to make his return to Brazil a lot easier. Can you recommend us a place from where to start the surveys?