Dear Miss U,
We are just from different sides of the country. 6 hours travel time difference. I’m working. She’s taking up her board exam so she’s reviewing. She has a different personality.. a lot of mood swings. We always end up fighting because when she misses me she starts a fight. She always wants to break up just because she wants to. She keeps telling me stuff that I’m not worth it and so on then after we argue when I’m the one who gets angry so becomes tamed and says sorry. She’s like looking for something else from me. Like she doesn’t see my efforts and sacrifices. She always tells me she gets jealous with others. And she feels alone and single but not. Keeps telling me she loves me but sometimes I don’t feel because she’s acting this way. But when were together nothing matters. What is wrong?
BabyBackRibs
Dear BabyBackRibs,
It’s not ok for her to treat you this way. If she needs more from her relationships she needs to tell you what is lacking instead of bringing you down and claiming you that you’re not worth it. Adults talk through their problems rather than threatening to break up.
This relationship is quite new. You’re not invested. I would recommend getting out of this one before you are. Long distance is a challenge that can either bring out the best in people or the worst. You’re seeing clearly how she handles challenges, and the evidence suggests it isn’t well.
Look for a partner who works with you on your team rather than against you or blaming you.
Dear Miss U,
I’m planning to meet my boyfriend next Christmas, but I feel like there are too many obstacles to overcome, and I’m not sure what to do anymore. I suffer from social anxiety (self-diagnosed, but it’s either that or I’m just ridiculously shy) and I can’t even talk to him properly. Neither’s native language is English, which makes it even more difficult for me to mutter a word. Also, my parents have no idea he exists, and I honestly don’t want them to know. We don’t have a good relationship (understatement) and they would just ruin (or try to) what makes me happy. So I wonder, how will I manage to meet him at Christmas? I’ll be 18 then, I’ll have finished school, but I can’t simply leave the house and the country without explaining them why. And they’ll ask. Multiple times. They’ll come up with the most paranoid hypothesis. And no, telling them the truth isn’t an option. The social anxiety is something that troubles me as well. Even typing this made me nervous, and it’s not something that will happen for the next 12 months. I can’t even order food without wanting to die of embarrassment 70% of the time, how am I supposed to make it in another country? I could take a friend with me, but I can’t expect them to spend money on a trip like that. Nor can I leave them all alone while I’m with my boyfriend. And to be completely honest, I’m not close enough to anyone for that. I’d be asking for too much.
So my question is, how will I manage to meet him?
Thank you.
Seth
Dear Seth,
There was a time I asked myself the same question as I too am the kind of person who wouldn’t call the fire department if the house was on fire. It is a terrible thing to go through life terrified to speak, but let me reassure you that you can learn to manage this. It’s difficult, and to the best of my knowledge there isn’t a cure, but you can master enough skills that you are able to live a relatively normal life. Give yourself time.
Speaking of which, you and your partner need to learn that it will probably take you a lot longer to be comfortable with things other people do without thought. It took me four years to let my now husband to see me on camera; I know all about this stuff. Be patient and kind with yourself.
Eventually your fear of never meeting and the fear of not having this wonderful person in your life will outweigh the fear of traveling alone to a foreign country to meet a ‘stranger’. Additionally the longer you spend together the better you will become at communicating, both in each other’s languages and just in opening up to each other. Your relationship is young, you are young. Trust me when I say there isn’t any hurry. I know anxiety can make you feel like you have to do everything NOW or the pressure will squash you, but honestly there are a lot of things that can wait. You do have time to get to know each other thoroughly. You do have time to do whatever paperwork or saving of money necessary. You do have time to be kind to yourself. If you’re not able to cope with it yet it is ok to wait a while. You may never feel “ready” (and I think people who wait until they are completely ready for things probably miss out of a lot in life,) but you can wait at least until the excitement balances the anxiety and the joy equals the fear.
Another possibly reassuring thing I can tell you is that like you I too was the person in my relationship to make the dreaded first visit and I think it helped my anxiety immensely. The great thing about making a trip like that and being around strangers is the simple fact that no one knows you. They don’t know the mistakes from your past, they can’t judge you on your family, they don’t have your awkward early teen years in the back of their minds. It’s like a fresh start, it gives you the chance to truly be yourself without people holding you back. I used to act differently around my family. I was used to being treated disrespectfully by them and on top of the regular social anxiety I had the fears of what they would do and say next to humiliate me. Being in a different country there was none of that. Mr. E’s family assumed that any weirdness I had was cultural so it became a novelty. They didn’t mock the way I dressed, they thought it was fresh and different, naturally assuming I was cool and on-trend in my home country, which couldn’t be further from the truth. I was still shy; I didn’t talk very much, but that was obviously because we struggled to understand each other’s speech and not because there is “something wrong with me.”
Because I’d made the trip for love and no other reason Mr. E’s family and friends were very forgiving of any quirks. It was liberating! Yes, staying with strangers and meeting his parents was terrifying, but I imagine it would be for anyone and being forced to interact and having the chance to make a good impression on a clean slate helped me realize that yes, I do have something to offer. I do have things of value to say. And I am so very glad I eventually had the courage to do it.
As to your family, if you can’t tell them the truth and you’re an adult… don’t tell them the truth. “I’ve decided to travel to and see the sights” should suffice. Book your tickets first, and if they say “oh but you should see instead” you can tell them you already booked the tickets and you chose the place your partner is in because it was a good deal. Easy. Then when you come home let them think you fell in love while you were away if you are so inclined. To be safe, do make sure someone knows the truth and has the contact details of the people you are staying with, just in case.
Lastly, I find it helps to imagine all the possible outcomes of any given situation. What I would say, how I would answer questions, how I would act, what options I would have. Often I find that the ‘worst thing that could happen’ really isn’t a big deal after all. It might be bad but I could survive it and move on. Knowing that and having a vague plan really helps me. So be prepared, be patient with yourself and take small steps. You will get there.
