Dear Miss U,
I now can articulate that I moved across the country from my partner due to feeling fearful of blending families and marrying again under circumstances I felt uncomfortable with. There were so many overwhelming changes and I didn’t want to rush and make another mistake (e.g. 1st marriage). We’ve identified the issues and are working through them (trust, listening, anger, etc.). We are both happy in our respective states, as we are now close to our families, have good careers and love our communities. But, feel stuck as we don’t know how to come together the way we’d want to. We don’t want the other to feel resentment for being somewhere they don’t want to be. We are both frustrated and lonely and take turns visiting. We are making the choice to try though sometimes it feels as though we are just going through the motions. Our clocks are ticking. My partner is more patient than I. I’m frustrated to the point of anger sometimes and feel bad because I was the one who moved. What would you suggest for additional ways to maintain the relationship between two hurt hearts?
Love lost?
Dear Love,
I feel you need to put your ego aside and ask yourself if moving was a mistake. Sometimes we want so badly not to be wrong and yet the person we hurt most is ourselves. Meditate for a while, clear your mind and when you are ready begin to imagine what it would be like if you called your partner and apologized. (I’m not saying he particularly deserves one or that you are to blame, but I do believe there’s a high possibility this conversation could do you both wonders.) Picture then what would happen if you were to move back and move this relationship forward, or if you were both to move to some mutually beneficial place. Visualize the bad things and solve them. Fantasize about the good things and let them empower you. Spend some time with your whole attention focused on the many of facets this problem has and take back the power you have over your life.
When you have completed this exercise, perhaps you will be closer to understanding what you want to do.
You know how some people say “LDRs don’t work!”? This is true on one level. They don’t work forever. The end goal of a relationship isn’t to be apart. Long distance relationships are essentially a means to an end. They keep the contact there temporarily while we take care of a few things, such as finding ourselves or getting a diploma or looking after an ailing family member. Some partners have no choice but to do the distance indefinitely, and their tenure stretches over a decade, but I can’t say I know anyone who wants to be in a long distance relationship with their primary partner.
I’m not going to say it should be you who has to move. Obviously you moved away for a reason, and you’ve stated that you are happy where you are. But you do need to work together to come up with a plan because without one the frustration isn’t going to go away. The frustration is there because you have an issue that longs for a solution. You don’t even have to put the plan in motion, perhaps just having it there will be enough.
In the meantime, focus on fun. Put effort into enjoying your relationship in the here and now. Do things together. Laugh together. No one wants to move or make sacrifices if they can’t articulate why they even like someone. Nurture the awesome of your relationship and eventually the drive to sate your addiction to each other will override all else.
Dear Miss U,
I’m a college student. I’ve never been in a close-distance relationship. I’ve been in two LDRs before, both of which ended for reasons unrelated to distance. Now I’m talking to someone in another state I met online and I think it might lead to something. But I’m starting to wonder if I have issues… since this would be my third LDR and I’ve never done close-distance. I’ve liked people and tried for close-distance before, but they never liked me back. And I would do close-distance with the people I do LDRs with, it just doesn’t happen. But with my track record I’m wondering if there’s something else going on here.
LDR Experienced
Dear Experienced,
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. People are just all very different. Some people marry the first person they kiss. Other people date a new person every year. Some people have sex on the first date, others aren’t keen. Some people are good at chess, some basketball and others both or neither. And some people find it easier to get close to people at a distance. I personally am one of those; I’ll tell you why and maybe you can relate.
When I fall in love or friendship online I fall for that person’s mind. I’m not bogged down by petty things like “OMG I only put mascara on one eye, then I helped Josie with a homework problem and forgot to finish my face! I hope she hasn’t noticed!” or “gee he’s got big teeth!” Talking to someone online I’m not distracted by their weird eye twitch and they aren’t put off by my accent and so we fall in love with the personality first; common interests, humor, kindness, perhaps even their creative works they have shared.
I feel I can be more myself, and am more likely to be one hundred percent honest because if this person turns out to be a right arsehat who doesn’t accept people for who they are I’m not going to run into them at the shops every other day. I can block them and disappear if they turn out to be toxic.
I also tend to find attraction online because I don’t go out very often. I’m not a party person. I don’t have the confidence to start a conversation with a random stranger. I’m not currently involved in sport or community work, so I’m simply more likely to converse and build connections with people who happen not to be local.
There are perks to LDRs too, especially when you’re young and studying, so I wouldn’t sweat it.
Go with what you are good at, even if that’s different from your friends, and enjoy love no matter how it comes at you.
