Dear Miss U,
I have been in a long distance relationship which took a 1 year break between the 4-5 year currently was/is going to be 6 years. He is in P.R and I am in NYC. I knew he was leaving and had plans to become a cop in P.R so for me it was a summer fling. He was persistent and won me over through emails webcams texts phone calls. I visited him as much as I could but I would stay in a resort and out of the 5 days he would stop for 2-3 days. That’s why we argued. 4 years into our relationship he came for a visit but on our first night out he broke up with me. I found out he had arrived 1 week before n lied to me. I found him emailing n send pics to another girl. He denied it. A year later we reconnected and this is currently how I feel. I don’t feel happy I don’t trust him he disappears a few days and no text or call. 6 years I never met his family or friends. Found a Facebook pg he has but he never told me. I feel like I am the only one trying and I feel like he is ashamed of me or I am not good enough for him. I don’t think there is a future here. I actually think we are currently broken up because he told me he would call me back 3 days ago and I am still waiting. My question is its over right?? Even if he calls should I bother to pick up?? Should I call and tell him how I feel and officially end things?? Should I just wait for his phone call and tell him how I feel and end it. Should I just block his number and close this chapter for good why bother to say anything else? 🙁
Lissette
Dear Lissette,
There’s little in the world that upsets me more than seeing good people waste their lives waiting on deadbeat partners. It’s over. Even if he doesn’t consider it over, for the love of your self-respect let it be over!
If it would give you closure, then go ahead and call him and give him one last piece of your mind, but if you would gain nothing from it then just go ahead and block him right now.
Letting go and moving on is hard, but this time next year you’ll thank yourself for having done so!
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I met in November. Things hit off fast. I’m very happy with him, but unfortunately due to his job he lives in Florida for now and won’t return till end of the year (maybe). I have gotten a lot of negative comments about our relationship not working, and it being bad for my son to get to him since I am a single mom. I try not to let comments bother me, but is it wrong to have a long distance relationship and for him to get to know my son via phone calls and video chat? I am very happy and have strong feelings, could I just be setting myself up for failure?
Texas Blues
Dear Blue,
from one mom to another, your life does not end at the point where you bring another human into the world. You still do have to live for yourself. You still deserve to be happy, fulfilled and challenged. Your son will always be your number one priority and of course you want to protect him but he lives in this world too and sometimes sheltering them too much does more harm than good.
Personally I think if you were having a string of failed relationships in quick succession then yes, you should hide that from your son because kids do get distressed over these things. It could become too much for him to process and who knows what that teaches kids about their own relationships in future? But one or two steady long-term relationships? No. There’s nothing to hide there. Our children benefit from seeing us happy and from seeing how we conduct relationships with other people. That’s how they learn. I can’t think of anything particularly damaging about a child learning to maintain contact with a person long distance either. It’s a life skill, and a great opportunity to introduce concepts of distance and time differences.
Something people worry about is: what happens if the relationship doesn’t last? Kids do connect to people and then feel the loss when those people are not in their lives anymore. However we have to realize this is true for other people too, not just romantic partners. Baby sitters, childcare center workers, family members who come in and out of a child’s life not really making an effort, friends they make at school, etc. In life the loss of contact with some people is inevitable. They are going to experience it, so as parents isn’t it more up to us to model positive ways of dealing with that and supporting them through it rather than locking ourselves away from humanity?
The only word of caution I have about dating after having children is not to have your kids call your boyfriend dad. Lots of people do, and it isn’t my place to judge, but I think this is the one thing we can do to make dating easier on them. See, “mom” and “dad” are family. They are irreplaceable. They are people who are (ideally) to remain in a person’s life until they pass away. It’s a stability thing. A trust thing. So unless your partner is going to continue being in your son’s life if the two of you break up, you need to make it clear he is not another parent.
I personally think you’re going about this the right way. It would be far harder on your child for some strange man to just suddenly be there, moving in, touching his mum and taking time away from him. This way your son feels a part of decisions, feels safe and isn’t being blind-sided. He gets time to adjust to any changes and to look forward to being in your partner’s company. That’s very positive.
