Count Your Blessings

Dear Miss U,

Double LDR

Dear Double,

I get a lot of questions like yours so please understand that while I’m addressing you, I’m also speaking to a hundred other people who feel just like you do. Not everything is going to apply to everyone, but have a think on the points I raise here at the very least.

Firstly, I think you need to examine why exactly it is you are so devastated. What is the big deal? Really. Answer that question for yourself. Write it down. Stare it in the face. Why do you feel this way?

Because frankly, he’s not dead, he hasn’t dumped you and he will most likely still be able to contact you – sometimes even in real time. There’s nothing to mourn here. So you’re not physically together and that’s not ideal, but your hearts are still together. You’re still committed to each other and a joint vision off your combined future. You’re still able to be together on several levels: Mentally, Emotionally and even Spiritually. “But we can’t be physically intimate!” some will cry. Well, no, you can’t have conventional sex. You can’t “do it” old person style, in bed, in the dark, in missionary position. But there’s still quite a lot you CAN do, even some things that you can’t really pull-off in near-proximity. Some of these imaginative sexual experiences are so fantastic it’s a shame all those poor people in near-proximity relationships will never get to experience them.

And no, on the particularly shit days you can’t curl up in the arms of your love and feel protected from all the bad things. But you can snuggle down in their favorite, unwashed, hoodie and have a good rant over the phone. Which might actually be better, because you’re almost forced to talk through everything therapy style rather than bottling it up. People talk more in LDRs. When you only have communication, you need to be stellar at it. Don’t overlook how amazing that can be.

Most people have that one thing that’s the hardest for them because it is a special, sacred, part of their couple’s routine. Some couples, without fail, go to the movies on a Friday night. That’s their thing. Others hate showering alone or are particularly attached to how their partner always woke them up with the first coffee of the day. For me, I hate sleeping alone. It’s always been nearly impossible for me to do.

Think about it, what is your “thing”? The thing that makes this suck 20% more? Whatever it is, I bet there’s a creative solution. No, it won’t work every time and it might make you feel really silly, but it’s better to have a hilarious solution than to mope. Here are some examples:

If you always went to the movies together you could make a sacred vow to reserve special movies only for viewing with each other, and then watch them at the same time, Skyping directly after. Or save those for visits, if you visit regularly. Or wait until they are out of the cinema and watch them together in the comfort of your own homes with your own, far cheaper, popcorn.

If you hate showering alone, you can invite them to watch you shower over Skype. Be sensible here, of course! Make sure your device is waterproof, or that you have excellent ventilation, and that you don’t drop your laptop in the bath when it’s plugged into the charger. Be safe; but find a way. If this isn’t possible with your set up, you could record them reading your favorite story or singing your favorite shower song. Or you could send them a shower selfie every other day, making an interesting collection.

Sadly, nothing is going to make your coffee make itself and deliver it to your bedroom (oh how I wish!) but you can put a photo of your partner next to the coffee station, maybe even with a little sign that says “I would love nothing more than to serve you”. Whatever brings a smile to your face.

Hate sleeping alone? A giant teddy wearing their shirt isn’t a horrible option, and doesn’t snore. Or that hand-crafted blanket they made you might bring you just enough comfort (hint hint partners). Or if you are particularly lucky (or dedicated) you may even be able to sleep together over Skype. Some programs even have an automatic answering option so if your love is asleep or the call drops you can just slip right in beside them without waking them up.

The point is: find the things that you miss most and work together to have those needs met. Use your imagination and have fun with it.

It’s also key to stay involved with each other’s lives. You always had Sunday dinner at his place with his family? See if you’re still welcome to get together with them, regardless of his presence. You don’t have to check in or ask permission off each other (seriously, please don’t) but it’s almost no effort to send a quick Snapchat of a beer and the moon that says “I close my eyes and you’re here too.” The words “I wanted to share this with you” and a photo goes a long way.

Worrying that you might bring a person down and they might not want to spend as much time with you is a legitimate fear. We do gravitate toward fun people who make us feel good about ourselves. Sometimes we can’t be that fun person; too much is happening in our lives and we are stressed, or ill, or grieving the loss of a loved one, and in those situations our partners need to pull on their supportive pants and be amazing. Other times there isn’t actually a problem, and we need to dust off our happy faces and remember how to uplift others. Instead of laying on the guilt about being left behind, engage him and show him you are (mentally) right there with him. Let him tell you about the new interesting people and places, let him relive his experiences by telling them to you without feeling judged or resented. He should, in turn, make an effort to remind you that you’re not forgotten, that you are valued and missed, and that he is grateful for the encouragement you are providing. It goes both ways.

It is also a lot harder for resentment to get its claws into you if you are armored in your own happiness and life satisfaction, so engage with the people you care about and spend time on the activities that make you feel accomplished. Have something positive and exciting to share during your calls or emails. In short: live your life! Do not wait for your partner to be present (and taking up copious amounts of your free time) do what you love NOW.

A lot of having a happy LDR comes down to discipline. The ability to know yourself, understand your own thoughts and redirect your feelings. This is a skill most easily built through meditation and visualization exercises. To further that end, also make sure you are as holistically healthy as possible. Eat whole foods, get some exercise, spend time outside, prioritize sleep and do one good deed for others and one special thing for yourself each day. Truly, this makes the world of difference in how we interact with others. Don’t give in to melancholy. There isn’t a reason to not eat, to shut yourself away from the world or to cry uncontrollably for more than a few days. You must make the choice to turn your day around, and if you find you can’t overcome your feelings of depression you need to talk to a medical professional. This is not worth being miserable for.

Gratefulness can also put things into perspective. Be grateful that you have found someone who means so much to you, rather than being single or in an unhappy relationship. Appreciate all the levels that you have it easy. If you’re not prosecuted for your love, if you can legally marry, if your family isn’t casting you out for being with someone of another race or religion. If you speak the same language, if you’re standing on the same land (just different ends of it), if you’re both born into the gender you identify with. If you don’t have huge commitments holding you back, or you are physically well enough to work for the money you will need to close the distance. If you don’t have to get a visa or you don’t have to wait until you’re 18 or until your divorce goes through. If you don’t have an indefinite period to wait to be together again… you can count yourself as lucky. I’m sure everyone can add at least one of these blessings to their list. It could always be worse; and it’s always going to be our attitudes that dictates how bad it truly is.

Remember too that time is passing. Some days none of the tools in your kit will fix how sad you feel. Some days are just going to suck. But those days are still bringing you one day closer to closing the distance, and there’s peace that can be found in that fact. LDR doesn’t get easier. People ask me that all the time; “when will it get easier?” I hate to break it to you, but it won’t. In fact it gets harder. Once the novelty has worn off, you’ve tried every corny trick in the book and your relationship can’t progress any further until the distance is closed it becomes grueling. But you will get better at it; and one day it will all be worth it.