Dear Miss U,
I’m in a relationship since 6 years now, and nothing has really changed… Kinda. Well, the problem is that I feel like I’m living just to wait him. Let me explain: I love him, a lot, but at the same time I’d like to find a job or something to do while he is studying at University, because I feel very frustrated being 100% every day at home without doing anything! I feel like I’m completely wasting my time… But I know that if I would start something, like a job, we’ll see each other for less time. What should I do? I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to be a total failure in my life. I know I should sacrifice something, but it’s really hard. He is up to see me too, but in this period he is really busy with study and he doesn’t know when he can come visit me, so this make me afraid I won’t see him for a lot of time and makes me stop searching for a job or anything else, to be free for him whenever I know I can go visit him. Of course, he doesn’t know about these things, because I always said to him, when he asked if I found a job, that I didn’t find any. (We live in Italy, so finding a work here isn’t so easy, so he believes me) To be honest, I just don’t know what to do, our plan is to live somewhere together when he finishes university and when he finds a job, but in the meanwhile, should I think to myself as well, even if this would mean stay less together?
Denise
Dear Denise,
You feel like you are wasting your life because you are wasting your life. You’re not going to get this time back and furthermore, you’re setting yourself – and your joint future – back by not actively living NOW.
When it is time to close the distance, you’re going to need money. When you figure out what you want to do career-wise, you’re going to need money. If you want to study again, or you want to buy a home together, or your car dies, you are going to need money. Money that you’re not going to have if you’re not working.
One day, you will be living together, and he will come home from working his career-job that he studied so hard for. He will be full of satisfaction and achievement, and when he shares that with you, there may just be a dark little cloud of resentment there stopping you from fully enjoying his success with him, because you’ll have none of your own to share. Sadly, the reason I know this, is because for too long I did exactly what you are doing now.
Don’t live your life for other people. Yes, you might see him less. But working could enable you to do more with the time you have together, or could enable you to advance your relationship sooner. Working gives you more to contribute to conversations and a better appreciation for time. The less free time you have, I find, the wiser you spend it.
Go live. People who have their own lives and are complete in themselves are more interesting to be with and have more fulfilling healthier relationships as a result.
Dear Miss U,
I know it’s only been 2 months since we’ve been dating but my military boyfriend asked me to marry him. I am ten hours away and will staty in another state to go to college. We are very close and talk and text all day every day. What are my chances this marriage will last in your opinion?
Will a LD marriage work?
Dear Questioner,
Even Elsa knows you can’t marry a man you just met. Get to know the guy, and then you won’t need a random stranger on the internet to guess if you’re going to last, because you’ll know for yourself.
Dear Miss U,
I wrote to you before but I need help again. My boyfriend and I have started talking about a future together recently but it all changed when he who lives in California is moving to Arizona and he wants me to move there with him. We haven’t met face to face yet. I told him I am not ready and now he won’t answer my texts or phone calls. How do I reach him to tell him that I want to meet face to face before moving together, do I say it in a text for voicemail?
Confused in MN
Dear Confused,
There are huge red flags of potential manipulation or even emotional abuse in your letter, please be on the lookout for this kind of behavior in your relationship. Anyone who expects you to move to where they are without having even met them in person is unbalanced and potentially dangerous. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
The method you use to tell him doesn’t make a difference, but sticking to your guns does. You’re not in the wrong here. Please remember that if he starts making you feel guilty for your perfectly reasonable request.
