Dear Miss U,
Do you ever feel like you’ve forgotten your partner after you’ve been apart for a few months? My boyfriend lives in CA, USA while I live in England, so we see each other when we can but there’s often long breaks in between. During these breaks I can become quite depressed, but we get through it as a team.
Now I’m looking at all the photos of us together yet it feels like none of it was real, like I don’t even know him. I can’t visualize him sitting in my room even though he’s done it for a good 6 months… It’s like he doesn’t even exist sometimes – even though we talk every day! When I look at pictures of him and I hear his voice all I feel is “I don’t know you”. How can this be? He’s my best friend!
Now every time I meet him at the airport feels like the first time, I feel nervous and scared instead of excited – when I see him I’m awkward and shy when I should be over the moon and just being myself. I don’t want this, what can I do?
I love him so much but in my mind I lose him every time he’s away. It hurts and scares me every day. Is it just me?
Small Town Girl
Dear Small Town Girl,
You may be relieved to know that this is pretty normal. It’s not the best feeling, it’s not ideal, but at least it isn’t unusual! I’ve also personally experienced almost the reverse as well, where when being with my significant other after being apart a long time I felt like I was cheating on my “real” partner, because I was so accustomed to only having contact at a distance. The brain is a complex thing that I don’t pretend to understand. I invite other readers to share their experiences in the comment box down below!
To the best of my knowledge, there isn’t a whole lot you can do beyond acknowledging that it will probably keep happening and preparing for it.
Dear Miss U,
Hello! I was in a long distance relationship for just about a year and a half. I was away at school and busy and he was home without as much to do, which caused problems in our relationship. However, when we were together it was as close to perfect as possible. When it was time for me to go away for college, we decided mutually that it was best to break up. We loved each other, but 4 more years of distance would have ultimately been detrimental. We talked about what would happen down the road for us, and were hopeful we may reunite if we were meant to be. However, we chickened out at the end of the summer and left things unclear between us. I ended up breaking things off because of how confused I felt. He was heartbroken. He dealt with the breakup back when it happened in September and the following months, but for some reason I did not. In fact, over the past month I am only coming to realize how much I still want to be with him. We still talk all the time, we never stopped. The last few times we saw each other we hooked up and said we still loved each other. However, recently it has felt like he has gotten almost too good at being strong and coping. At times I wonder if he has gotten over me. He is currently in the process of applying to transfer colleges, and his top choice is an hour to an hour and half away from me. If he attends, I would love another chance. How do I bring this up? Is that distance still too much? I want him back so badly, but don’t want to pressure him
Elena
Dear Elena,
These are the kind of questions only he can answer. You’re still in contact which is great. Sometimes you will get a feel for the best time to bring something up and other times a subject seems to refuse to come up and you’ve just got to throw it out there. Eventually the pressure of needing to get your feelings and hopes into the open will force your lips to part and the words to fly free of their own will if you do not pick your moment beforehand.
Sometimes it takes us a while to get our shit together in a relationship. A few false starts. Some hurtful words we didn’t even know we didn’t mean until much later. It can take a while to repair the damage and build up trust again, but that doesn’t mean the story is over. There can always be a sequel.
Personally, I don’t think any distance is too far. I don’t think not seeing someone enough is a good enough reason to give up trying to see them entirely. But you can’t know if it’s right for you until you try.
Be yourself, be honest, everything works out ok in the end.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend of 3 years is moving away to university very soon and I don’t know how to cope with it. We are pretty much together al the time, the longest we have been apart is about 3 weeks. When that happened I knew we would see each other so the goodbye wasn’t so hard… But now university… I trust him but I don’t trust the drunk girls wondering around looking for a hookup. With being away from each other for so long I feel like he will become (sorry) a bit horny and if he’s drunk something might happen. I know that’s just my crazy mind overreacting but it’s a possibility.
How can I stop stressing about this?
What are your top tips for long distance? I’ve been upset so much for the past month or so.
Thanks
Amanda
Dear Amanda,
You either trust him or you don’t. If you don’t trust him you shouldn’t be with him and if you do trust him it doesn’t matter if naked women are jumping out of car windows breasts flying in the breeze in their eagerness to bed him because you know he will say NO, no matter what. It really is that simple.
It takes two people for infidelity to happen. And if it does happen? Don’t pin your blame on the other woman. Women are your team. It is him who needs to remain faithful and in the event he doesn’t it is him who chose to betray you. Having a penis doesn’t make him a lesser human incapable of having self-control, even if he’s drunk. We need to let that scape-goat go. He is accountable.
But if you trust him, it isn’t an issue.
And if you don’t trust him find a partner you do trust, and it won’t be an issue.
Your mind is yours to control. I suggest using positive thoughts to overcome the anxiety. He didn’t answer his phone and now you think he’s probably making out with some girl in the back of a van? Reality check yourself. Offer up other solutions to ponder. Maybe he left his phone on the roof of the car. Maybe he can’t answer because he’s a responsible driver. Or perhaps he’s taking the biggest steamiest poop of his entire life and didn’t hear his phone over the farting and splashing.
Another situation may be you’re talking and he seems distracted and you immediately think he’s bored of you or messaging another girl at the same time. Maybe he is, but she could be his mom. Or maybe he’s stressed, tired or hungry and that’s why he is distracted. Maybe he opened his phone bill ten seconds before you called and he is secretly panicking about how he is going to pay it. You really never know, but if he’s a good person it isn’t going to be something sinister.
Remind yourself there’s always plenty of other less dramatic reasons than whatever horrible thing your mind is choosing to torture you with and that being constantly suspicious for no reason is very damaging to relationships.
I’m also a big fan of staying busy. Idle hands are the devil’s workshop, as Gran would say. Less time to think can be a good thing if you’re prone to worry; and it passes the time.
Lastly, keep it fun. People who are happy in their relationships generally don’t stray. Do date nights. Tell jokes. Share funny stories from your day. Enjoy a movie together over the internet. Have a lot of phone/cam/skype/whatever sex. Really. You can and should still meet each other’s sexual needs at a distance, so get creative and get on it.
Like anything, long distance is what you make of it, so make it good!
