Dear Miss U,
My best friend asked me the other day; “how do you feel that you’re in a relationship with your boyfriend if you never see him?” (I see him 3-4 times a year for about one week each time). I told her that it’s like having a boy best friend but a little more intimate. She responded that basically we only have a “status” and not a real relationship. Is she right? I mean, am I really in a long distance relationship or am I only best friend with this guy?
Joe
Dear Joe,
I don’t feel that your best friend has any right to be asking that, honestly, but here’s how I see it:
At sixteen there isn’t a heck of a lot of difference anyway even for near-proximity couples. You’re old enough to start dreaming of a future together but not quite old enough to act on it, even if you have a plan you’re both happy with (most couples at sixteen do not.) At sixteen you’re still figuring out if the kind of relationship you want is the model society presses upon you or something different entirely. You’re learning and experimenting. Some adults would like to say no sixteen year old is in a real relationship, but like, who cares what they think really?
To me the definition of boyfriend or partner, significant other or lover – whatever label a couple wants to use – is their business alone, just as the rules of their relationship are theirs alone. Being a couple isn’t about seeing each other more than anyone else. Being a couple isn’t about having sex. Being a couple isn’t even about parenting. It’s more than that, or some of those things, or all of them.
Basically, your relationship is what YOU say it is, not what anyone else thinks it is. There isn’t a standard that can be applied to all couples. I would like to think all couples are in love, but I know that isn’t always true. Some people date for a while to see if they will fall in love. The majority of couples are monogamous, but that doesn’t mean couples who consent to having extra-marital sex or those who are polyamorous are somehow “not in real relationships.” Most couples eventually live together, but some try that and it doesn’t work for them so they live apart but still love each other. I tend to think of relationships based on the quality of communication, to me it is all about the communication, the team work, being in sync, working towards the same vision of the future; but for others that isn’t true. There just isn’t a standard. There isn’t a box you can put people and their relationships into. It isn’t one size fits all.
I think you’re a cut above the rest honestly, because you’ve said “It’s like having a boy best friend but a little more intimate.” So many people date someone they aren’t even friends with, people they hardly know, or people they would never choose as a friend but whom they think will somehow make a good partner and to me personally, that’s crazy. I would describe my husband in the same way – a best friend that I am intimate with – but I would also add “whom I can stand to live with” because for me that’s a big deal. Your friend might think we’re just flatmates who happen to be friends with benefits, but luckily I don’t care what she thinks.
This obsession with “real” going around is frankly annoying. We are all real women, even the ones without curves. All men are real men – even those whose negative qualities far outweigh the positive. And, if both people in a couple say they are in a relationship then no matter what that relationship looks like it is a REAL relationship.
Next time someone questions that validity of your relationship don’t join in, tell them to mind their own damn business.
Dear Miss U,
I met a wonderful woman online about 3 months ago. After three weeks talking, initially not so much and gradually all the time, we finally met and it has been amazing. Our first date lasted about 30 hrs and it was just right. We laughed and talked for hours and the sex was also great. Since our first date we’ve seen each other regularly, but due to her job we’ve only managed to see each other at the weekend, spending most of it together when we’ve met. So far so good.
I must say I have never met someone who I’ve had such an ‘easy’ relationship with. We can talk and laugh. She really shows me she cares and is very tactile and verbal (I am too). Sex is also very important to me and between us it’s great.
The ‘problem’ is that she’s been offered a ‘dream’ job about 300 miles away. Back in her home. I can’t ask her to stay because I fear she’ll resent me and this job would be a way of getting the relevant experience to come back to where we currently live in a year or two.
We both seem very committed to each other even though we’ve not said we love each other. I think the feelings are strong and the potential of having something lasting is there but it seems too soon in the relationship to part… She’s said she’s happy to come down to me two weekends a month and I could go up to hers at least once a month (I’m working three hours a week having recently relocated from abroad).
I’m really scared of feeling lonely… Is it too soon to go LD?
A confused lady
Dear Lady,
I wouldn’t ask her to stay. In a healthy long term relationship her dreams become yours and yours become hers. Her success and happiness needs to be key. If both of you give 100% neither will ever feel that something is lacking.
I notice you’ve mentioned her moving back one day, but what about you moving to her home town? Maybe just temporarily. If this relationship gets serious it’s worth considering.
It’s never too early for a LDR. Some people start out long distance and date years before they ever get to meet and have glorious sex. You can totally do this! It really sounds like you have a great thing going. Try to stay positive, continue to keep it fun and just see where it goes. I wish you all the best of luck.
