Miss You Issues: One True Love? - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

My name is Dominic, and I’m a freshman college student. My boyfriend, Christian, goes to law school roughly four hours from my college. We dated relatively short distance (40 minute drive) for the first six months of our relationship before I began college and Christian law school. Due to these circumstances, we see each other about once a month, typically for a few days at a time. I recently saw him for about a week, and am about to return to school.

Do you have any advice for coping with uncertainty in a long distance relationship? The general swirling questions (is he the one, how long can I do this for, etc). I love him very much, but the periods of physical separation are extremely difficult for me. We are both each other’s first relationship–he has had previous casual partners, I have had none. I believe part of the uncertainty is surrounding the question of “what if he isn’t the one and I’m spending four years feeling this way…” I think he also echoes these sentiments, as we both have nothing to compare this to in terms of recognizing if this is “worth” the time. These types of questions aren’t pressing, but subtle. We have many great memories and communicate well, I am just wondering how to achieve a state of relatively more internal security. Specific tools or strategies would be greatly appreciated in addition to any advice you have.

Thank you,
Dominic

Dear Dominic,

Personally I’m not sure there’s any such thing as “the One” and feel that this ideal can be quite damaging to relationships. Yes it’s romantic and fun to think about and certainly sometimes it seems like a relationship has been fated or ordained by a higher power. If the universe wasn’t conspiring to match us up how then do we manage to find these diamonds in the rough that we love so dearly? But at the same time there isn’t going to be a perfect match. There isn’t one person on this earth you are never going to disagree with, or who doesn’t have at least one habit you can’t stand. Even in my own relationship there are days I can’t comprehend how lucky I am, and I wallow in how wonderful Mr E. is and how being with him has changed my life for the better on every level. Other days I’ll watch him when he’s not paying attention and I wonder if I even know him, and I think he doesn’t understand me at all. Some days I can’t get enough of him, other days I can’t handle the smell of him. This is because love is fluid. Our emotions ebb and flow like a tide and are connected to seemingly unrelated things like our physical health and levels of stress. If the instability of human emotion wasn’t enough to keep us on our toes already the fact is that even “true love” takes work and beyond the initial stages where it is chemistry and hormones, magic and fate and excitement, love becomes more a choice than anything else.

Once the shine wears off and you’re picking up his dirty shirt a meter away from the laundry hamper for the fifth time in a week, this thing that once seemed to have its own life suddenly seems to require an awful lot of your own effort. It doesn’t matter so much if he’s “the One” then, because he’s still a pain in the arse whom you either choose to dedicate your energy to, or you leave, thinking someone will be a better match – which they might be until the shine wears off; but then you discover instead of shirts a meter from the hamper it is mismatched socks breeding with dust bunnies under the bed.

The point I’m eventually working towards here is that no one is automatically “the One.” You find someone who is as close as possible and then you choose to make them “the One.” If he makes you happy, your goals in life are compatible, your beliefs and values align enough that you can live harmoniously and your ability to communicate with each other and work as a team is strong, let him be your one. Invest in him. Make it work through your own choices. Make it worth it through your joint efforts.

Nothing is certain. No relationship is a sure bet. That’s why we trust. That’s why a certain amount of faith is required. It is a risk; it is always going to be a risk, even if you’re near-proximity. But what can help you both is acknowledging your feelings aloud and supporting each other. Talk about your fears, and talk about how you will work together if those fears are realized. Knowing you understand each other and that he has your back can help you feel more secure. I believe there should be nothing you can’t talk about with your One.

Beyond that? Make sure this relationship is worth it NOW. Your life isn’t on pause, you need to have some level of joy and satisfaction each day – not a dream pinned in the future with nothing to sustain it. Yes, you will have to be a bit more creative than Average Joe, you might feel a bit corny or silly or a touch embarrassed the first time you dress up for your Skype date or get caught writing a love letter, but so what? It’s the little things that keep you connected and keep the relationship fun. It’s that unexpected gift that makes you remember he’s one of a kind; the unprovoked tenderness that makes you realize you don’t have to be lonely just because you’re alone.

Remember too that your thoughts are yours to control. If you don’t like them, you make the change!