Miss You Issues: International Reality - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I met via social media so we have never actually lived in the same place. He’s currently in USA whilst I’m still here in England. We fly out to see each other every couple of months and as his mum is English, he will be coming here for the summer. I am completely in love with him. We have met each other’s families and we fit so perfectly. We speak everyday through FaceTime and whatsapp. We both know how hard this will be so we agreed that at the end of the year, we will look to end it or if we are still happy, relocate as we cannot keep doing the long distance. But we both have our career’s in a respective countries and Whilst I know that it is possible to relocate, it won’t be easy and will require a lot of luck! We’re both young and want to build our lives but I love him so much, I want a life with him. I’m starting to feel like perhaps I cannot have both. Ending things would crush me, but I don’t think I could take it if we became more invested and it didn’t work out. We want this so much but is it possible? And is it worth the pain if not?

Transatlantic

Dear Transatlantic,

Of course it’s possible. You only have to look at immigration statistics to know it’s possible and beyond that, if it weren’t there wouldn’t be a whole community of people here at LFAD doing it. If thousands of other couples can manage it, why not you too?

You ask me if this is worth the pain, but only you can answer that. So, is he worth it? Does he bring you so much joy, respect, support, love, hope and faith that no amount of red tape can scare you away? International love is expensive, and it never stops being expensive unless by some miracle the person who moves had no friends or family or ties to land or culture. One of you is always going to miss their people, their region-specific food or the weather they grew up with but only you can say whether or not missing each other would be worse than that burden. Would you rather rise up to the challenge together or would you rather wonder “What if…” as you lay in bed at night, perhaps alone, perhaps with another more local love?

There is a lot of pain in life, but there is much joy too. If you hide from one, the other also will not find you.

I know you’re worried about what happens if you go to all this trouble and it doesn’t work out, but love is a risk. You can either experience the full thrill of love with all its risks or you can pair up with someone you don’t love so in the event the partnership doesn’t work your heart doesn’t break. The latter doesn’t sound terribly inviting, does it?

There is no reason you can’t have a fulfilling career and deep satisfying love, but you have to be brave enough to make it happen. You have to put in the work as nothing worth having comes easy.

Dear Miss U,

I have recently started dating LD. It’s been difficult because it is my first LDR. I feel like the person I’m dating is really amazing and I feel like I truly love him. I have been in long lasting relationships before and never have I felt like this.

The problem I am having is that, I’m his first girlfriend. He says that he loves me already but I’m old enough to know some differences. I feel as though because I’m his first and he’s never done this before he could just be having a puppy love moment. I’ve asked him and he says he really doesn’t think it is puppy love but I don’t know. I want it to be real. We skype, video chat, text, play online games all the times and watch the same movies at the same time etc. It’s amazing right now to be honest.

I live in Canada near the border and he lives in the States near New York. Were so close but so far. I feel like we are too young. We can’t visit, we can’t meet each other. I don’t know where it’s going right now. I feel like it could last up until we meet each other and it would be like a fairy-tale. But that stuff doesn’t exist and I’m having problems figuring out is it a set relationship or is it just a teen thing.

Please help me out here, I have never asked for advice before and this is a first.

Dakota

Dear Dakota,

If I, at approximately double your age, can have the grace to accept your feelings are real, even though your age and experience pale in comparison to mine, then you can have the grace to believe your boyfriend knows his own heart when he tells you he loves you. Anything less would be condescending. It’s never ok to tell someone that they don’t know what love is, especially not one who would lavish that emotion on you.

Be kind to him.

And be kind to yourself. It is hard to be young and even harder to be young and in love, so being young and in love at a distance can seem impossible; but it isn’t.

All the love you are going to experience as a teen is a “teen thing” but just like teens, that love can grow and mature. Teen love isn’t somehow fake just because you’re not adults. It’s still real, it’s still your life you are living and your choices still change you and shape your future. There is also no such thing as a set relationship. My husband could wake up tomorrow morning, blast me in the face with his death-breath and shatter my heart by saying “Miss U, I do not love you anymore, I want a divorce.” I do what I can to maintain our love whilst staying true to myself, but there’s always going to be that risk that one day we won’t be a couple anymore, so instead of wallowing in the fears and what ifs, I put my trust in his word that he loves me – will continue to choose to love me – and will stand by me.

You tell me fairy-tale love isn’t real, but Dakota that’s a lie. I know it, because I’ve lived it. Mr E. and I were also in an international romance as teenagers, we loved for years on top of years before we finally had the freedom and financial ability to meet in person. We didn’t always believe we could do it and we didn’t know where our feelings were going when we first had them, (I wondered how my feelings could even be real; wasn’t he just a stranger?) Truth be told it’s best that we had our “teen thing” for a while before the hard work of an enduring relationship began because there’s no way our relationship would have survived otherwise. As teenagers we didn’t have what it takes to close the distance and make our love endure, and yet if we hadn’t fallen in love as teenagers we’d never have been in contact as adults.

I know it’s hard, but don’t worry so much about it. Not everything needs to be labelled and put in a nice box and you don’t need to know what the ending will be to enjoy the story as it unfolds. There’s no reason it won’t work out, but even if it doesn’t that doesn’t mean it wasn’t real.