Miss You Issues: Kissin' Cousins - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

Well… I am young. To be 17 and be in an LDR, some people would find stupid or funny. But for me, it just feels right when I get to talk with her. Now, the problem. Myself, and her, both have a surprisingly similar past, with same problems with family and rape and whatnot, but even through all that, I simply don’t know what I can do for her to help.

We have depression and a few other things. I have moved past from that, and whilst this relationship is going to be slow and tedious, I feel hopeless when we talk and she is in a bad mood, or work goes wrong, or anything. We have used Skype frequently, and sent pics since we met, and I’m fine with that. We haven’t sent nudes if you were wondering, because I am young and it hasn’t come up yet. This is a long question by the way.

So, what can I do to help her? I am a very easygoing guy, and I am willing to take this slowly. I want to talk with her every day, but I am in Australia, and she America, so the timezones is a hazard. I was always a night owl, but even when she gets home from her 12 hour shifts, she is either exhausted, or emotionally distraught and I don’t know how to help. Any advice as to how I can help her with her problems?

Pat’s trouble

Dear Pat,

Have you asked her what you could do to help? You might be surprised.

If she’s working long shifts it is quite possible that she is run down which makes things seem worse than they are and puts forth an opportunity for depression to get a foot hold. Encourage her to make time to relax, to eat balanced nutritional meals, get enough of both sleep and exercise, and spend time outdoors. The last thing anyone wants to do when they feel down is be pro-active about their health, but you need to do it to break the cycle. Beyond that encourage her to seek professional help if she can’t break free from depression on her own. Remind her that it is ok to ask for help.

Time zones mean that some of your communication isn’t going to be in real time, and you need to be ok with that. Master the art of helping her start her day off right by leaving her a message to wake up to and as the relationship progresses you might like to send her little care-kits, for example a romantic bath kit might have a bath bomb, candle, face mask and a recording of your voice reading her a short story. Or an ice cream on the beach kit might have $5, 100s & 1000s, a Flake, a photo of you either at the beach or hilariously trying to mimic a beach setting (never over-look the power of humor) and a love letter. Be creative.

Understand that you can have a powerful effect on someone’s life by showing them you care about them and believe in them, and that like anyone she’s going to have good days and bad days, and any healing will take time.

Above all however you have to realize that her problems are not your problems to fix. You are not her doctor. It’s a bad idea all round to date someone with the intent to fix them, the best you can do is empower her to address her own problems.

And Pat? Young love is neither stupid or funny. I think you’re awesome. Keep on doing your thing!

Dear Miss U,

Is it okay to date your cousin? That’s a sophomore? And you’re still in middle school? I know he’s real I just need to know if he actually loves me the way I love him. We are a secret. When you do you think would be a good time to come out?

Helen

Dear Helen,

In many places it’s illegal to marry your cousin, because just like other species of animals, if we breed with someone too closely related to us we’re putting any children of the union at a greater risk of health complications. Generally I tend to look at laws and ask myself why they exist. Are they there for a good reason? (We have laws against killing people, I agree that we shouldn’t be allowed to murder. Ok cool. Good law.) Or is the law a remnant from a past era? (Such as marriage equality; there is no good reason gay people can’t marry. This law is not logical and needs to be revised.)

Somewhere along the line people thought cousins being together was a big enough problem to legislate against it. I haven’t done enough research on the topic to know what the risks are or aren’t, or what kind of statistics might back this law up, but enough people are opposed to it to give me pause.

Perhaps neither one of you ever wants to have kids, leaving one less thing to worry about. How is your family going to take the news of your relationship? Will they accept you, or just ostracize you? And if the relationship falls apart, imagine then still having to see each other at every awkward family reunion. Is a romantic relationship with him worth this potential sacrifice?

Personally, I think there are plenty other non-related fish in the sea, but it isn’t my place to tell you what you can and can not do. As to when to tell people, I’m a firm believer that if you want people to treat you as though you’re not doing anything wrong, you need to act with confidence. Thus you should tell them at the point in time, and in the same manner, as you would tell them about anyone else you were dating.