Miss You Issues: Insecurity Rising - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

Me and my SO met through a mutual friend, 4 years back. We have been madly in love since then. He is an amazing guy, and he loves me with all the flaws (he keeps telling me that he even loves the things he hates about me).

But recently, I graduated from college and shifted home. With no friends around and nothing to do but study, I am kind of going crazy. On top of all this my parents are really unsupportive of me trying to post graduation; they think it’s high time I get married. And when they say married they mean to somebody they choose (they do not approve of my SO). My SO is still studying so he has no way of supporting a family and I want to study further, so we are not ready to settle down just yet. Also they keep telling me that I’m not as pretty as I think and that I should get married before I stop getting proposals.

All this is making me depressed and sad. I am going through a rough time and he is trying so hard. He keeps coming up with ways to cheer me up. But most days my state makes him cry. I don’t want him to go through all this. I love him like crazy and it is hard to see that I am causing him so much pain. Also his exams are coming up. Do you think that I should give him some space, so that he can work on his exam instead of worrying about me. Do you think that it would be a wise choice???? (I know it will probably kill me trying do this) I don’t want him to ruin his life because I am going through a rough time…

Cera

Dear Cera,

I think distancing yourself from him at a time where he is already worried about you is a terrible idea. All this is likely to do is make him suspect he has done something wrong and deprive him of the support you would usually provide for him at exam time.

I think it’s important for someone to tell you that when you receive support and kindness from your significant other you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for that. Your struggles are about you, not about him or about how he feels. It’s natural for him to be concerned while he helps you carry the weight of your parents’ disapproval, but it’s not ok if you feel like you can’t go to him for support or like you are a burden upon him.

I think that sometimes it might be wise not to tell him everything your parents say, and that you should give him plenty of reassurance that your feelings for him won’t change regardless of the pressure they put on you. If you can avoid it, you might even try and steer clear of really distressing topics the day of and the day before each exam, but don’t remove yourself from him. If you avoid him he will know, and he may even assume your parents are interfering.

Lastly, follow your dreams! I know you must second guess yourself sometimes, but you really are on the right track. I’m not really sure what planet your parents are from, but you are worth far more than just your appearance and ability to breed up heirs. You deserve to have a fulfilling career and to study the things that fascinate you. I don’t know what you are studying but I’m sure it’s far more beneficial to your community or even the world than getting married and serving some guy you haven’t given your heart to. If someone wants to marry you just because you have a shapely young body and an unwrinkled face their priorities are all wrong anyway! Let the proposals stop coming, because (as your boyfriend no doubt proves) you can do way better than someone so shallow.

Dear Miss U,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. We were in the same college, kept contact via Facebook during 3 years before meeting again, and starting a relationship. The first 2 years were LDR. It’s the strongest relationship I ever had, and where I am that happy and in love. Almost two years ago he moved in Paris to live with me and continue his studies as I was (I now have finished mine and have a job, he still have 3 years to do). I was a bit worried about the change but everything went so perfectly, a true dream.

The thing now is that he will probably have to move again to finish his studies. Since it’s been two years that we are living together, I’m super afraid of this change in our lives…

Three years, it’s the time he will be away. We might be able to see each other quite often I guess since he stays in France, just going south again. I can’t move as I had my job quite recently, and I like it. Not so much opportunities for me where he is going… But I’m scared about living alone again, for him living alone again too, that our feelings might change, I or he could think “Hey, I’m better without him/her.” Meeting somebody else, well, all the things that scared me when we started our relationship. I’m so used to our life now, and I really like it that way, he’s not very talkative about that so I’m just worrying more and more as the famous time where we’ll now is getting closer…

HELP ME 🙁

Thanks!
Worried in Paris

Dear Paris,

Going back to long distance after living together is hard. I’m just going to put it out there honestly. It sucks. I’ve done it and it definitely made it onto the list of Horrible Experiences I Never Want To Have Again, but it isn’t the end of the world. It doesn’t spell the death of your relationship and chances are you will make it through just fine as long as you continue to make your relationship a priority (including making time to have fun together. Have fun; do things, don’t just talk!)

Living together doesn’t stop you meeting new and interesting people. Living together doesn’t stop people being unfaithful. Living together doesn’t stop a person’s feelings changing or prevent them from having doubts about the relationship. It’s love, respect and open communication that does that, and distance has little bearing on those things. Give yourself and him more credit than that! You already have the skills you need to make it through.

Yes, it will be frustrating and the transition might be tough, but you’re in this together on the same team. Keep the end goal in mind, always working toward a future where you are together.

You can do this!