Miss You Issues: Quickies - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years now. He lives 10 hours away from me. I am working but at the moment he currently has no job. I was going to visit him and pay for the majority of the trip but when I brought it up to my boyfriend about visiting him, he did not seem excited or interested in me visiting him. He said he wants to wait for me to visit him until he has a job and can afford to take me places when I visit. I told him that does not matter and he doesn’t have to take me anywhere special but he still said no we should wait. I find it strange that he was not excited for me to visit him. Should I be concerned that he doesn’t want me to visit right now?

Thank you,
Mandy

Dear Mandy,

I don’t think you need to be concerned. I don’t think this one is about you at all, rather I think he is embarrassed and uncomfortable with the idea of you seeing him when he is struggling financially.

Whilst it is completely out-dated and ridiculous, there’s still cultural pressure for a man to provide for a woman, and a perception that you are what you do.

It isn’t that he doesn’t want to see you. He probably misses you chronically. It’s that your presence could make things harder for him in ways that you might not have considered and even if you pay for most of the trip he will still have to pay more than if he were there alone.

I would drop the subject for the time being, but let him know that your relationship and the rest of his life don’t go on hold just because his career is stagnant. If he doesn’t get a job, eventually a time will come where you will visit him regardless, because that is what you and the relationship needs. It’s ok to wait a while, so long as you’re not waiting indefinitely.

Dear Miss U,

I met a man on a dating site and started talking to him in early 2015. He told me that he worked overseas and had just bid on a job and he had to travel to a country and then see if he got the bid. He did. He actually emailed me . His English is good but sometimes I have a hard time with his accent (understanding him) Within 2 weeks of his arriving overseas he ask me to purchase two computer and a smartphone and send it which was quite costly. He said he was robbed and everything was taken. He is not a CITIZEN of my country but was married to a citizen. He traveled overseas this time with his child. Anyway she went into kidney failure and has been in the hospital overseas for over a year. He had to give the hospital money for her treatment (no insurance)which made him short thousands of dollars for the job he is over there for. That’s when his first request from me was in the thousands. After that every month he needed 600 or more and I bought 2 phones 800 or better. He is sweet but if I cannot send him money he gets mad and won’t talk to me for a while. He is supposedly on the home stretch and has got numerous loans to help him complete his project but I have been paying his living expenses. Everything was good and he promised me he would not have to get money anymore and all of a sudden he needs money because the company has stopped paying (but he wont tell me the details. I have a bank account that the company puts money so I know when it is there and I send it to him).

Penny

Dear Penny,

I think you’ve already come to the realization that this man is using you for money. Sadly I don’t think you can get any of it back, but it might be worth getting legal advice just to be sure.

What I am certain of is that you need to cut him off, and then make it so that he can not find you or contact you in any way. I am one hundred percent certain he is not in this for love.

I am sorry that you’ve had this experience and that your generous nature has been taken advantage of.

For the sake of other readers I would I need to reiterate something I’ve written dozens of times: Always be suspicious of people on the internet who ask you for money, even if you love them. We all want to help the people we love, but there are some lowlife scum who are only interested in scamming people. They can and do make a living off it.

Dear Miss U,

I feel like he’s making excuses all the time to not travel to see me. His living conditions are complicated so I can’t go stay over with him but he could stay here. He plays sports at weekends and has commitments (not enforced) during week.

I am going to his for day visits but it not showing us the strength in our relationship, how we could be together. We only get few hours together.
What can I do to make him come here or should I walk away as many tell me to??

Feeling Mugged Off

Dear FMO,

People make time for the people and activities they care about so if he isn’t making time for you, that’s very telling.

You can’t make him come to you. There should be no manipulation in a healthy relationship. If you have told him –not hinted, told – how you feel and no changes have occurred, the only option left is to walk away.

Sadly, falling in love with someone doesn’t automatically make them good at relationships.