Miss You Issues: When Hurtful Words Are Said - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

This may seem really dumb, but, here goes. I know not to are about other people’s opinions when it comes to my decisions, but ever since I finally started admitting to strangers that I’m in an LDR, they’ve been way more judgmental than I thought. I’ve had multiple people tell me “You don’t need to be talking to someone who isn’t here,” and I had someone flat out reply to me saying I was in an LDR with “That’s bad.”

I never know what to do or what to say to people who do this, but I wish people knew how much it hurts my feelings. It’s always people who are trying to befriend me too, but then they do this.

I guess what I’m asking is, how can one deal with people being judgmental?

Disgruntled

Dear Disgruntled,

Whilst we know that other people’s opinions of us is none of our business sometimes it’s hard not to catch their negativity when they are spewing it all over the place. This one time I was working in a hotel and a guest was asking me where I was from and why I was there; typical you-have-a-weird-accent stuff. I was honest; I had met a guy online and was now living and working in his country, giving the relationship a chance. She told me flat out and to my face that I was stupid.
Seeming that was about five years ago and I’m now happily married, working a job I love and living an all-round fantastic life I’m pretty sure if one of us was stupid it wasn’t me. It’s almost a shame I will never see her again to tell her about it.

The point of this story is that other people and their opinions can only affect us if we give them the power to do so.

Personally, I like shooting the naysayers down with snappy come backs. Examples:

“LDRs never work!”
“I guess Elizabeth Barrett-Browing never got that memo then, huh?”

“You don’t need to be talking to someone who isn’t here.”
“I don’t need to be talking to you either, but I still am.”

“What’s wrong with him? Couldn’t he find someone closer?”
“I’m sure he could, but he rarely leaves his desk, which is actually working out quite well for me.”

And my personal favourite:

“Aren’t you worried he’ll cheat?”
“Oh no. We have way too much Skype sex for him to possibly be able to satisfy another woman!”

If making sport of them isn’t your style, at least these conversations act as a kind of filter. One thing to consider however is that not all of these people are complete arseclowns. Some of them are genuinely concerned or are just sprouting off culturally-accepted responses that they have put little to no thought in. Those people could benefit from a bit of education and it is worth your time to give them a bit of guidance once you sort the ignorant from the truly mean-spirited.

As always, be honest, be yourself and find positive ways to deal with your negative feelings, such as blogging, ranting and enjoying foods of low nutritional value. (Ok, maybe not that last bit.)

Dear Miss U

My partner and I are married but still LD.

I texted him to let him know I was going to a local carnival. I wanted to “share” the moment by asking what ride I should go on…..This was all in text…then he called me and said he really didn’t care what I did that he was busy and hung up. I do know he was out drinking and had time to talk. I didn’t text or make any further calls.

The next morning he called and told me he was just “joking” after first pretending he didn’t say that to me. I’ve been hurt and don’t understand why?

I told him not to call/ video with me because this hurts…any thoughts?

Thank you,
Soloinny

Dear Soloinny,

I have a lot of thoughts here, but I’m going to run with the idea that you wouldn’t be with him if he always acted like this or spoke to you in such a way. You wouldn’t have married him if he was an arsehole, right?

So what we have here then is a breakdown in communication. Obviously some of the things you enjoy and feel will strengthen the relationship he does not enjoy, instead he finds them irritating. Not everyone loves texting. Some people want to do what they are doing, (and doing “nothing” is still totally valid) without interruption or distraction. He may have even tried to hint at his disinterest in this activity, but since he didn’t clearly tell you, how were you to know? Now instead of having a civil conversation, emotions have erupted and you’re hurt.

What you need to do is discuss what happened, how he felt, how you felt and what you can both do in the future to get your needs for contact met in a way that you both enjoy. Cutting off contact and asking him not to call you is a fools game, it solves nothing. Take what time you need to calm down, if you are the sort who calms down rather than just stews on an issue, and then work through it together.

Remember that you are a team. You are married. There should be nothing you can’t discuss with each other. So talk. And if he won’t talk, or makes a habit of shitting over your feelings like this, then maybe I’ll go back to my first thought that he’s not the kind of person you need to be wasting your love on.