Miss You Issues: The Test Of Time - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

Around midway mark I started to feel taken for granted in the relationship. We see each other every 2 months due to her uni. Texting and calling has severely diminished. After fights I gave her space and only catch up at night but now she always just falls asleep without knowing because she’s too tired. She sometimes call for 10 mins while waiting for the bus or a friend in the day and she goes out at night and rinse repeat. During our anniversary getaway she made a birthday compilation video of all her friends that took 3 hours. When I told her that made me upset she lashed out calling me uptight and should automatically understand it is for her friend birthday and I shouldn’t be selfish for not liking her doing things for friends and a relationship is not always 100% devoted to partners only. To her spending quality time can also include me sitting next to her and chill while she does the video. Her next visit to me had same issue. Before she flew up to me she tells me she wanted to fly back a day early because her friends want her to join them in a beach getaway. She shut me down same way when I express my feelings. In regards to lack of communication she said she like that because she too familiar with me now and a relationship shouldn’t be this hard and I should just understand for her. Any attempt to discuss new ways to improve I get a no and someone shouldn’t change so much for a person and I should just chill and learn to understand. Whole time telling me she loves me deeply but my expectations are too high. What is our best option besides breaking up?

Trouble in paradise

Dear Trouble,

Beyond breaking up, all you can do is put up with her behavior because we can’t control other people, we can only control ourselves. You’ve spoken to her about this issue, on more than one occasion by the sounds of it, and she has made it clear she is not willing to compromise in any way. Frankly, she doesn’t care about you the same way you care about her and she isn’t willing to put the effort into the relationship. Relationships are hard work but clearly she isn’t at the point in her life where she understands the reward of that work, so you can accept the substandard level of her treatment for you and continue the relationship, or if this behavior is a deal breaker you will have to choose to move on.

I’m sorry that there isn’t a fix; a secret technique that will make her see the light. As harsh as it is, sometimes love just isn’t enough.

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 months. He’s all the way in the US while I’m here in the UK. There was an immediate connection when we first started talking and we very quickly became friends, and within that time he became one of my best friends, even though he was miles away. Not so long after he’d say things like “I want to take you on a date” and, despite our distance, made it feel like a real courting experience.

We’re official now and I know that I love him and he knows he loves me, but can love be measured with time? Our relationship isn’t perfect; I know my feelings for him aren’t based on the romanticized idea of a long distance relationship. We are quite young, however, and I just don’t want people telling me it’s too soon or we’re too young to understand. So with that being said, falling in love within 3 months of knowing each other and 2 months of dating, is it too soon?

Thank you,
Snowflake

Dear Snowflake,

Love is a hard thing to measure, if not impossible. Time… well, time can measure a lot of things. Sometimes is measures love and dedication, other times it measures stubbornness. Sometimes people stay together a long time because of love but sometimes they stay together out of fear. (Fear of being wrong, fear of what others might say, fear of change, etc.) So, whilst time does carry weight, it isn’t the be all and end all.

Is it too soon? For some people, yes. Some people don’t have the confidence in themselves; some people (myself included) second guess their own thoughts and emotions and need longer to know that it is love. For other people, no. I know a couple who are happily married going on five years now and he proposed to her on their first (blind) date. Personally that’s horrifying, I could never do that, but that is what worked for them.

Now there are two things I wish all young women could embrace, firstly: Your worth is not determined by what other people think of you. Other people’s opinion of your relationship does not define the reality of your relationship. Secondly, and in a similar vein: You will be much happier she you stop dedicating your energy to what other people think. Your life is for you to live in the way that makes you happy (within the boundaries of good moral consciousness, of course.)

In short, it doesn’t particularly matter if other people think you are too young or if they think it is too soon. Youth isn’t a crime and it isn’t their relationship; it affects them not at all. People are going to say what they like; the key is not to let it eat at you. Be confident in yourself, in your judgement and relationship. Don’t enter conversations about your LDR apologetically, to minimize the opening through which people can insert their criticisms.

Your love might go down in burning flames, or it might stand the test of time. There isn’t a way to know. But do yourself a favour and give yourself the best chance by focusing on your own happiness rather than the tired opinions of naysayers.*

*With that said, do listen to advice, particularly if people believe he isn’t treating you properly. You don’t have to act on their advice but do listen and access the situation, because sometimes we really are too close to one tree to see the whole forest and outsiders can pick up on red flags we might have missed. There’s a big difference between “it’s really disrespectful for him to treat you that way” and “You’re too young to know what love is.” Disregard the latter, but if you ever hear the former it is time to take stock.