Miss You Issues: Dead Ends - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I have been in a rocky LDR for the past 3 years with a man from my hometown. He lives two states away now. We have broken up and gotten back together so many times. He even proposed to me a few months ago. We are not currently together anymore because he borrowed money from me 2 years ago and no payment. He gets emotional about me and always wants me to be with him again. I still love him, and I am struggling because of this. What should I do?

Amelia

Dear Amelia,

Personally I have a three-strikes-you’re-out policy. If I’ve broken up with someone twice already and the third time doesn’t look to be working out either, that’s the end of it. I’m not interested in wasting my life flogging a dead horse. Sometimes love isn’t enough to make a relationship work.

My advice is to have a good hard look at the problems that face your relationship. If they are the same old unresolved things that have caused break-ups before then it’s likely you aren’t working through your issues together, compromising and making lasting changes. There’s a reason this relationship has failed a handful of times already – if you can’t fix the underlying reason why that is so, you need to stop flogging the dead horse.

Dear Miss U,
We are six years apart. We grew up together in church and in business. Our families are very close, and I had a huge crush on him. We kind of just started texting and one thing lead to another and we were together. I have the best feeling with him, he is everything I want and need. But two days ago.. he said he needed to pray about it because he all of a sudden lost feelings. Ironically, this has happen fifteen different times with boys. At the two week mark, they lose interest. As he said “We haven’t done anything sexual and I have been so happy, but then bam, it just hit me and I don’t know why.” He wants to stay together because he wants it to work out and he wants his feelings back for me. Is there anything I can do to make him get feelings back? Or what do I need to do….

Bailee

Hi Bailee,

You’re telling me you are 17 years old and have had 15 failed relationships? I’m going to be honest here, that’s a lot. Even if you started dating really young. Even if some of these relationships were with people you previously dated. It’s still a lot. This, and the general tone of your letter, tell me that maybe it is time you talked through your expectations and relationship goals with a trusted adult.

I would also try to write down a little bit about each relationship and how it progressed to see if there’s a common denominator here. This goes beyond the realms of coincidence and I feel like until you figure out what is going on, this is likely to keep happening.

Now, I don’t want to imply that there is something wrong with you. I certainly don’t think there is and I don’t want you to start thinking there is either. But it is odd that so many guys are calling it quits with you when they have barely begun to get to know you within the context of a relationship and if I was you I’d be looking for answers; like “Is my big brother secretly threatening them and scaring them off?”

You’ve asked me how he can get his feelings back, and that’s a tough one for me. Usually people who ask that have been together for years. They know each other inside and out and the excitement is gone. But this relationship is new. Yes, you’ve been acquaintances for years but that doesn’t mean you know each other. There should still be plenty of excitement, mystery, curiosity and shared interest to fan the tiny sparks between you into life. I struggle to know how he could lose something there’s barely been enough time to grow in the first place.

If he is willing, I suggest you start over. Have a new courtship. Show each other the deep and interesting parts of your personalities. Make yourselves vulnerable. Focus on building a positive, safe and fun space between/within you. Have conversations about pace too; how fast should the relationship go?

You can’t make anyone fall in love all you can do is be the best, most complete and honest version of yourself you can be – Be a you that you like! – and in time you will attract the person who genuinely loves every aspect of you. The person who still finds you fascinating after two decades, rather than giving up after just two weeks.

Lastly, if this relationship can’t be revived, I highly recommend taking some time away from dating to remember who you are. We give so much of ourselves in relationships and it’s too easy to fall into the trap of trying to be the person we think other people want to date rather than being our authentic selves. Focus on your own happiness. Your goals, your study and career. Your friendships. Your position in church and relationship with your God(s). Focus on you. When you are complete and happy relationships have a far better chance of success.