Miss You Issues: Active Listening - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 years and we have been doing the long distance thing for about 5 years now. We occasionally got into arguments about the distance and it recently just got really bad. The past couple of weeks have been a screaming match because I don’t think he understands where I am coming from.

I accept the distance thing and know that it has to be like this for now but I feel since I don’t have a certain time frame of when things are going to change where we could actually live in the same city I freak out.

He has come to conclusion that he can’t handle the arguing anymore and he needs me to change if this is going to work. My question is I want to understand why I freak out? I know he loves me and cares about me deeply. I’m not insecure about our relationship but for some reason I need the reassurance to make me feel better. Is this normal? What can I do to fix this and not lose him? I want to make sense of why I freak out and yell at him.

If you can offer me any advice on this I would appreciate it. I am really lost and would hate to lose him over something that I can change.

Feeling lost.

Dear Lost,

Can you not make a plan? Obviously it will be a long term in-the-future kind of deal, and I don’t know why you’re long distance, but study ends, contracts end, etc. Can you not pick your longest set commitment and agree that at the end of it you will both prioritize moving to be together above all other things, and in the meantime you will not make new commitments that hold either of you back from that goal?

I can’t tell you why you freak out, or why you take your anger out on him, but I can tell you that you need to get help. It isn’t ok; this is a gateway to emotional abuse. A trained professional would be the best place to start, or an anger management course. Failing that, check out the self-help section of your library or bookshop so you can begin to understand yourself and learn better coping techniques.

Remind yourself too that raising your voice only gives the illusion of making you easier to hear. In reality it garbles your message and lowers your credibility. It’s ok to be angry. It’s healthy to have those feelings and to express them if you are doing so constructively, but lashing out at your teammate –you are a team, he isn’t the enemy – isn’t going to foster greater understanding.

I recommend you start paying more attention to your reactions, and when you feel like you’re going to lose it, do yourself a favor and take a time out to calm down. It’s ok to admit you are feeling unstable and excuse yourself. You do have the ability to take back control over your words and deeds.

Lastly, run an internet search on “active listening.” This is something you can do immediately to gain skills that will help in all your relationships, helping you develop mindfulness and control.
And Lost? Good on you for seeking help! You should be proud of yourself for reaching out and taking the first step.

Dear Miss U,

Me and my boyfriend have been together for year and a half now. We both live in Europe, 2000 kilometers apart. He is finishing his studies this year and wants me to decide what should we do now. I still have one year of studies left. He would agree to move to my country (he lives in way richer country than I do) but I feel pressure that if he will do that, I won’t have an escape plan. I really feel that he loves me a lot, but I can’t say the same about myself. Recently I tried to break up but he was so upset that I just could not break his heart so much.

I still want to travel and do stuff alone but in this LDR I have to put priority for him and spend my all free time being in his country or with him here, which makes me a little sad. Actually, our relationship is very beautiful and I guess I wouldn’t be so doubtful about it if he would be from my country originally. Language barrier is very exhausting and I find it very difficult to be in this extremeness: all time alone and then all time together. That is way, the idea of him moving in with me freaks me out completely. Should I tell him look for a job in his country or try to live together?

Theacim

Dear Theacim,

You either really love him and want to make this work, or you don’t. If you want to break up you need to have the courage to do so; it isn’t ok to stay in a relationship with someone out of guilt or pity. You must want this relationship for your own happiness, if you do not you must move on, regardless of how he feels about you. It sounds a lot like you care about him but you’re not ready to enter this phase of life with someone, and that’s ok.

If you really do want to make this work, then I would recommend having him move to your country while you finish studying. That way if it doesn’t work out you haven’t lost any time.

Talk to him about what you expect from living together: namely that you won’t want to spend every free moment with him, that you are going to want time alone, that you are still going to see your friends without him some of the time and that he will need to build up his own social circle and have an individual life too. You will need to help him with that at first, of course, but make it known you won’t be living in each other’s pockets. You can also bring up the fact you still wish to have the opportunity to travel alone at least some of the time.

With separate study/work and separate hobbies, I don’t feel you will see each other too much. Living together isn’t the same as visiting. Talk some more about it with him, and see how you feel. Be honest, and follow your heart, even if it leads you away rather than together.