Miss You Issues: A Thing About Wanting - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I go to a school in Italy where many international students come visit for a semester. This semester this amazing girl came and I immediately started loving her personality and later her looks. I gave her first kiss, I was her first “thing” but unfortunately she didn’t want anything very official because she knew she was leaving in June. Towards the end of June it became more serious without either of us noticing. I’ve never felt this way towards anyone. I was the first to tell her I love you and that’s something I never told anyone. She told me that before she got the plane to go back to Mexico. It’s been only a week and I miss her like hell and I feel empty. I’m planning to see her in June 2017 and I am going to fight for her in the future. My question is how can I know if she wants me too?

Penne

Dear Penne,

Sometimes that not knowing is half the fun. The thrill of the chase and all. And whilst there are signs that point in the direction of “yes, this person is into me!” it’s possible to misread those signs too. Beyond a person telling you they want you, and even sometimes then, there isn’t a sure-fire way to know; and that’s ok.

Secondly, sometimes we don’t actually want the person our heart gets set on. Try as we might to not love someone – because we don’t want long distance, or because our families don’t approve or whatever other reason – we don’t always get a choice. It’s common in new LDRs for one or both partners to have a phase where they try not to get involved and so mixed messages get sent while they sort themselves out, or while the battle between what the heart wants and what the mind believes possible takes place.

My advice is to not worry over it so much. Continue to be yourself, keep in contact and make that contact fun for both of you, and wait and see where it goes. Keep fighting. Show her that Long distance can be great – show her the potential that you’ve seen together in person is worth the effort. Let things develop naturally and in time you will both know.

Dear Miss U,

I have met my SO online, we never met irl, but planned to. Was to meet this year but I cancelled it because I am unsure of my feelings.

We have our differences and issues, both have busy lives. But, this year things are different. I feel distant and abandoned. I feel I stopped caring for him as much and became more ”selfish”. Before, all I needed to be happy was to make him happy, but now I feel a great need for him to prove his love to me. And am unhappy since he doesn’t do much, feeling like the relationship doesn’t matter to him. Yet I know he loves me, he just doesn’t show it as much.

I slowly started preferring company of my friends, because me and my SO started often arguing about silly things or were just sad. Now it often feels I am happier near my friends than with my SO, but I feel so guilty because of it.

I’m just not sure what to do anymore. I don’t feel so close to him anymore, yet I linger on the past and all the effort we put into the relationship. I can’t even say that I love him with certainty, because I am unsure of my feelings. But feel I cannot leave. Both of us have been very sad because of this for past 3 months.

It’s first relationship for us and he, after long talks, just feels heartbroken since this all came out of nowhere from me. As if I lost the love I felt for no reason. I can’t imagine my life without him though, yet I don’t feel I can continue this relationship. How can I get rid of the feeling and feel close to him again?

Stranger

Dear Stranger,

My grandfather always used to tell me “Miss, you need to crap or get off the pot!” and now I’m telling you this. Because if you just sit there, undecided, other people are left to wait, and that waiting begins to hurt.

I struggle to think you waited four years and then when the chance to meet arose you backed out and yet you are upset he doesn’t show you he loves you enough and you’re not sure if you want him/the relationship. Meeting in person would help you decide. At worst it would give you both closure. A certainty that no, it wouldn’t have worked out. And at best it can rekindle the excitement and mark the beginning in the next stage of your relationship. To me, meeting is the logical solution.

Secondly, if he isn’t showing his love in the ways that enable you to feel the most loved you need to tell him – without hinting! – exactly what it is you need. You might even need to tell him how to do it and provide examples. Love in the real world isn’t like in the movies. People actually have to talk to each other to figure their issues out. People actually need to discuss what they require from their relationships and what “romance” means to them.

Sometimes we are happier around our friends. Sometimes relationships hit a patch where it is all work no play, and we do need our support systems to get us through that, but there are some needs your friends can’t meet for you that your boyfriend does. There is, or should be, something there that sets that relationship apart. There’s a reason you’ve persisted with this relationship so long.

And yes, after a time, relationships become less exciting. You trade that excitement for security. You trade chasing each other to chasing dreams together. It is my belief that this is a fact for all relationships (though I’m not an expert and I’ve been wrong a few times!)

My advice is to start by making the relationship fun again. Do things together, make an effort to smile and laugh and make each other happy. And have that visit. Meet him, it will help you know for sure.