Miss You Issues: Playing the Long Game - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. We met at school but I am transferring. We don’t live remotely close, he lives in SoCal and I’m from Seattle–our new schools will be the same distance as well. I know I love him but I am not confident in long distance, I don’t believe it’s worth it to see him for week-long vacations and weekends. I visited him this past week and all I could think of is that it was only temporary I would be able to hold him for another few months. I am in so much pain.

I know it is worth a try but when will I know it’s too much? I hate missing him, I hate being alone and I hate that I can’t fix this. He is sure we will be together forever and I can’t help but want this to stop.

Sad

Dear Sad,

You’ve just clearly said that you don’t believe this is worth it and you want it to stop. I think you know what you need to do.

Two things, in my opinion, make a long distance relationship “worth it.” Firstly, the other person needs to be pretty well the perfect match. I don’t believe in “the One” but this person needs to feed your soul in a way no one else does. They need to be striving for goals that are compatible with yours. They need to bond with you so deeply it stops being emotional and starts feeling spiritual; or something sappy like that. You get the point. He might be a fantastic guy, but that doesn’t mean he’s perfect for you.

Secondly, for the relationship to be “worth it,” it needs to have some redeeming feature in the present. Most of the time that corresponds into keeping the relationship fun. If you enjoy your time with that person, it tends not to matter as much how that time together is spent (as you can spend time together without physically being together.) Occasionally there are other trade-offs that make it bearable such as a short intense period of separation for a fantastic rate of pay, or once-in-a-lifetime travel opportunities, but most of the time it needs to still be a great relationship regardless of physical proximity.

If you’re going to do distance, you need to embrace it. When you start putting energy into hating it and feeling sorry for yourself it’s really hard to strengthen the bond. We all have bad days of course, but if the relationship is more tears and loneliness than laughter and anticipation then no, it isn’t worth it. And if you know it isn’t worth it, if you know you aren’t going to make it, if you already know you want out then the right thing to do is to set him free.

Dear Miss U,

I’m from England and my boyfriend is from Russia and more specific Siberia, so kinda far and he’s 5 hours ahead so it can be a bit difficult.

I’ll try to keep it brief but he’s just the most amazing guy I’ve ever met and I really am so lucky to have someone as sweet as him. We really want to see each other and it’s getting to the point where I just feel like crying when couples walk past holding each other because I just want to be in his arms. I know it’s only been 7 months but I feel we have something really special, though I bet most couples feel like that.

My question is how can I see him? I haven’t told my parents because they can be very judgemental and I feel they won’t like him because of where he’s from and we met on a language exchange app. If they knew him they’d probably like him, him and my dad have similar interests. But there’s no chance I can persuade them to visit Siberia and neither can he do that with his parents especially with the Russian economy it would just be way too expensive and I don’t to do that to his family. Also we’ve both chosen to carry on our education so we’ll have to wait until our gap year which is two years away if we can’t meet during other holidays. I’m so scared that it won’t last and all that waiting will be for nothing. Both of us have tried to think of some way for us to meet earlier but I can’t find anything. I know there’s a way. If you could help that would just be amazing.

Thank you for your time.

Best regards,
Banana

Dear Banana,

There likely isn’t another way. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but you’re old enough to hear the reality. International long distance isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s for the patient. You’re going to do a lot of waiting. And you’re going to have to work hard and save like Ebenezer Scrooge because flights and visas are prohibitively expensive but people in serious adult relationships don’t expect their parents to pay their way.

Lots of relationships, both long distance and near proximity, don’t last. That doesn’t mean they were for nothing or a waste of time and effort. And as to other couples, always remember that life isn’t a competition. Your path isn’t their path. You don’t know what they have gone through or will go through to be together –heck, some of them might be internationally long distance and on their first visit! You will only destroy yourself and the relationship if you cling to negativity.

I know it’s hard. I’ve been there. I know the powerlessness of being a teenager in an international romance. But take the joys from it that you can, appreciate what you have, and remember every day is a day closer to a future together.