Miss You Issues: Can Our Readers Help? - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

My SO and I have been together a little over 18 months and we have talked about our wishes to be together someday, but when it comes to actually making plans for it to happen he shuts down and changes the subject. I confronted him about this a couple of times and he has said things like he does want to be together and he is sure it will happen or he doesn’t want to plan it out because he is afraid of being disappointed. I have tried to be understanding, it’s just that not having a real plan makes me feel insecure. I sometimes doubt his level of commitment to our future.

I am sure that he loves me and we are extremely attached to each other. He has told everyone he knows about me and I have met all of his friends and family. I try to tell myself that’s enough, but the insecurity still creeps in at times.

Am I wrong for wanting, needing more of a plan?

Reassurance Junkie

Dear Reassurance Junkie,

I’ve said it a hundred times and I’ll say it again: love is not enough. It’s great that you feel secure in his love, but love isn’t going to close the distance. If he doesn’t want to be disappointed, he needs to work towards the goal of being with you because the universe is not going to conspire to bring you together. If we don’t try we fail by default. If he won’t attempt to put a plan in motion the only thing he will be able to achieve is disappointment.

I’m a firm believer that at forty four years old a person should have a grasp on what they want out of life and they should have acquired the skills to chase their dreams with.

In short, no, you are not wrong. It is perfectly reasonable to expect him to converse with you, construct a plan and uphold his end of the relationship if it truly is a relationship he wishes to keep.

At this point you need to gently let him know that you aren’t going to wait around forever. You are ready to take action towards living your best life. If he isn’t ready to make a plan now, pin him down on a date when he will be ready to talk about it. Only you know how long is too long for you to wait, I can’t give you a number, but I can tell you not to wait forever.

Dear Miss U,

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for quite a while and I am currently not doing too well in school so I decided to head to las Vegas and live with my grandmother for my senior year but her living in CA we will be apart for a year but I am nervous that if I go will my relationship last with her. Need Help.

Reven

Dear Reven,

I can’t tell you if it will last or not. But I can tell you that if the relationship can’t withstand a mere year of LDR it probably wouldn’t weather the storms of adulthood either. There are a lot of challenges relationships face and long distance isn’t the worst of them.

If you want your relationship to go the distance, you will both have to put in the effort to make it do so. You have to make time to talk and to have fun together, just as you would if you lived locally. You have to support each other, remember the important events in each other’s lives and uplift each other. You have to commit yourselves to meeting each other’s needs, just as you have for the past four years.

Overall, long distance is what you make of it. You can embrace it and make it an adventure, or you can let it tear the relationship apart. It’s up to you.

Dear Miss U,

I have been dating this girl for quite a while now. We may be too young to know what love is but we’ve had very real life experiences that tie us together. I’ve known her for 5 years until she moved around 1000 miles away – two states up.

She’s always had a hard time with life. After her dad’s death battling depression and anxiety she always sought help through me. I always loved her I always helped. I watched her love other guys and get her heart broken. I hadn’t seen her in 4 years since she moved and she came to visit and I saw her. We bonded and immediately realized what we had missed out on. We love each other almost undoubtedly. I remind her of her dad the way I care about her. We have big hearts and find it difficult to let go. But we do find the love fading as time goes on away from each other. We remember how we loved and what we did. But we don’t remember how it feels to actually have them there. I love her. I always have. But she finds herself needing to be reminded how it feels to have me there or its just weird to love someone so far. She loves me but finds it difficult to believe I’m real anymore. We send letters and video call every day. She says that some videos of me she sees reminds her a little. Is there anything I can do to help her remember and keep this lasting until we can be closer? We have the love but the physical side is lacking as any other LDR.

Anon.

Dear Anon,

It’s very rare I feel myself pull up short and have no idea how to respond to a person, but it has happened today. There is no “real life” or “real relationship” that you have when you are together; the relationship you have when apart is just as real. The person you have it with is just as real. Unless you act vastly differently online than you do in person (as some people do) I don’t understand how the distance affects her this way, especially as you video call every day and have met in person.

I wrote a piece recently dealing with bringing physical intimacy into long distance relationships, you can read it HERE. Beyond that, I’m going to have to hope someone has some suggestions that they can share with you in the comments below.