Miss You Issues: No Shame In Love - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

About 7 months ago, I became involved with a co-worker that lives halfway around the world (Taiwan). Long story short, 3 of my fellow co-workers from the company’s Taipei office were sent here for training, one of which I found to be particularly attractive, so I started talking to her. I had recently begun dating after a 3+ year stint of being completely single, no girlfriend, no “hookups”, no nothing. We hung out a little bit while she was here, didn’t go too far, but once she returned to Taiwan we remained in contact, pretty much on a daily basis. Eventually, it got to the point where I ended up flying out there to see her (7,000 miles and $5,000 dollars later haha). I was there for 2 weeks and it was, without a doubt, 2 of the best weeks of my life. I felt so sad when I left, however. The whole time we have been in contact, from the beginning until recently, I have had, and openly expressed my doubts. It’s been driving me crazy that I can’t see her and continue to get to know her. I feel like there’s a connection; I do care about her, but it feels very fragmented if that makes any sense. So yesterday, it got to the point where I broke it off. I feel very torn about this. We have been talking constantly for the last 7 months, and now… Nothing.

I’m too sure if I made the right choice. I’m so inexperienced part of me feels I need to continue dating, but on the other hand, I have feelings and I feel bad right now.

Maybe I don’t know what I’m asking from you.

Craft

Dear Craft,

It’s ok not to know. It’s ok not to be 100% sure. It’s ok to take risks. It’s also ok to take the time to think about what you want and research how to make it possible. Be kind to yourself.

The best I can say to you is the quality of experiences you can have with someone you’ve bonded deeply with vastly outshines the excitement of experiences you have with a variety of people you care very little about. When you’re having fun with your special person you can be entirely yourself; you can let yourself be vulnerable because you know you are safe in every way. You have the comfort of building lasting memories with someone you know will always be there and you have a soul-deep connection which mere words can not do justice to. There may be a greater thrill of dating widely, but a lot of the time those encounters tend to just be awkward and unfulfilling. Much of the time when people come together it is to satisfy their own needs and wants, whereas when you are with your special person they are more interested in satisfying your needs, and you will find greater joy in making their happiness your priority.

It is my belief that the most important thing in this life is people. Invest in people. You’re not going to lie there on your death bed thinking “gee I wish I worked more hours” or, “I’m so glad I put my money in stocks” or, “my car is so much faster than Ron’s car.” You’re not going to wish you’d kept a cleaner house or care about whether your pajamas are a brand name. You’re going to think of the people dearest to you and the great times you had with them. Maybe you’ll think “I wonder what ever happened to that woman from Taiwan? Those were the best days of my life.” Or maybe she’ll be sitting there holding your hand and you’ll turn to her and say that you’re glad you took the chance.

Personally, I’d rather regret something I did do than live my life wondering and wishing I’d been brave enough to act.

Craft, you’re not a kid anymore. The time for making mistakes, playing the field and experimenting with different paths has passed. Not all of us have a wild party sowing-of-oats stage and despite what American movies tell us, there’s nothing wrong with that. You ought to be old enough now to have a reasonable idea of what you want for your future, and the skills to go and get it. You are in control of your life. You have the power.

If this woman makes you deliriously happy then make a future with her. You have the power to change the course of your life.

Lastly: our emotions ebb and flow like a tide. Sometimes it is harder than others to connect to our special person – especially over distance – but that isn’t something to be afraid of. Some days love is an all-encompassing wonderful feeling. Other days it needs to be a choice.

Dear Miss U,

Long distance can be hard and put an emotional strain on you. I’ve been with this guy for 5 years and haven’t had the chance to be together due to things getting in the way he’s from India and I’m from Canada. He’s working hard for our future and I’ve been working on a book to keep my mind busy. We talk on Facebook (where we became friends, then soon after a couple) time to time due to timezone difference with those lovely messages we would send pictures (nothing naughty). When I first saw his picture I was like, “Wow handsome.” Within months of chatting he asked my hand in marriage. Of course I’ve said “yes.” Do you think that’s too fast for a marriage proposal? He has been in my life for 5 years and been through my ups and downs but recently he blocked me from his account and made a new one for me and him only. I’ve asked him why but he doesn’t give a straight up honest answer. His family wants him to marry someone within his culture. He doesn’t want to lose me and I don’t want to lose him. We also talked about where we want to live (India or Canada). I want him to live here with me I need to be close to my family and for medical reasons but the thing is he wants me to live in India with him. I don’t know if I want to. I love him so much and we’re planning a wedding also a future together and with that future I want our kids to be born in Canada. We’re still working things out and hopefully my plans work out.

Depressed Angel

Dear Depressed Angel,

Straight up, this whole Facebook account thing sounds sketchy. You’ve been together 5 years and he doesn’t have the inner fortitude to defend your right to date each other publically? He would hide this relationship as though he is ashamed? Mmm, nope. That’s all kinds of nope. You can do way better than that.

Love respects you and defends you. Love is proud to stand beside you. Don’t put up with this.

As to marriage, I personally think it’s stupid to agree to marry someone you’ve never met in person. I’m a big advocate for living together for a year and a day before marrying, (sometimes that’s not possible for people doing the distance, and for those people I recommend working holidays and extended visits) or in the very least that both people have been to their partner’s country. There are a lot of people in this world I love but 99.9% of them I could not live with. Marriage is hard and about so much more than love; if you want it to last you build a solid foundation under it first.

Where to live is probably the biggest hurdle international romances need to overcome, and sometimes the logical solution isn’t the best one for the couple. Keep talking it out, and mention that what you both think will happen might not actually be what happens. Neither of you will know for sure how you feel about moving until you’ve done it. With that said, even if you agree to live with him in India, I encourage you to continue insisting on having your children in Canada surrounded by your family and friends. Pregnancy, birth and the first six months of having a newborn are a chaotic time for a woman and you will regret backing down on your need to be supported by the people and medical system you know and trust.

Keep talking it out.