Dear Miss U,
I’m 22, college student, and still single. I think that makes me a little desperate. So, one day I accidentally wrote a message to this unknown lady on facebook, I got positive reply, and after a week messaging each other from facebook, I got her number and asked her out at once. And, a miracle, she agrees and our meeting is on my flight date. I’m departing from my hometown to 2 hours plane flight in another island. That afternoon we met and I have her to pose for me, and now every morning I wake up, I see her photos and that make me miss her more. I don’t know if she has the same feeling. Do you have any suggestion or advice so I can grow our relationship to be more than friend?
I appreciate your help, Miss.
Thank you so much.
– Still Single
My first advice, Single, is to take it slowly and build a solid base of friendship. It is the nature of an internet romance to progress in bumps and starts, possibly because we are braver behind our keyboards so getting in deep emotionally can happen fast, whilst all physical parts of the relationship wait in the wing and tend to get rushed into the periods of time where you can finally be together.
There’s a delicate balance between going slowly so as not to startle her like a young deer, and giving her the impression you’re not interested, which you certainly do not want to do. There are a lot of cues in the way she speaks and types that will help you gauge where she is at. Look for, and encourage, the use of emoticons and *actions* when typing to each other, as they can be used to set the mood and can emit an emotional response from a reader. Look for signs that she’s eager to talk to you, such as staying up late or instigating conversations. Gently mention the future, and see how she reacts. The best way to do this is with simple questions like: “I’ve always wanted to visit New Zealand, do you think in five years or so you might be interested in coming with me?” not something heavy like: “Do you see us married with three kids and a puppy in ten years?”
Honest compliments, and simple statements like “your photo always makes me smile” or “I was thinking about you while you were gone,” also show her that you’re keen and open the door for her to reciprocate. Traditional romantic overtures used in moderation are also great. Many women enjoy receiving flowers or chocolate, and even jewellery (something she can wear that reminds her of you) as it tends to give us the impression we will be looked after and safe. You can speak your heart with music too; send her a song that has lyrics matching how you feel.
Know yourself – Be yourself.
Dear Miss U,
I know that this is pretty personal, but I just don’t know who else to turn to. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years, and have only seen each other twice during that time. We have kissed, of course, and done a few other physical type things, but we’ve never had sex. I’ve heard so many people say that it “changes the relationship”, but no one ever says how, and most of these people aren’t in LDR’s. So, my worry is that, LDR’s are hard enough as is, so, what is sex going to do to the relationship? Is it only going to make it harder? Or will it be something that only brings us closer? We’re comfortable talking about it and both want to do it, but I just don’t want to do anything that might make me lose him. I’m at a loss, Miss U. And I would really appreciate some advice.
Signed,
Confused in Cape Girardeau.
Hello Confused,
The thing with sex is, it’s a bit like air. It’s not that big a deal until you’re not getting any – which I think may be why you’re afraid. For some individuals, once they’ve had sex once they want to keep having it – a lot! Sometimes this leads to wanting to experiment and even date or hook up with other people. There is nothing that says monotonous sex, or even Long Distance sex, needs to be boring or that this experimentation can’t take place within a loving committed relationship. The fact that you are both comfortable talking about sex with each other really stands in your favour, because you know should problems arise, you can talk it over and work out a solution.
Sex is a turning point. Once you do it together once, there’s no real going back. In an LDR, sex gives you another thing to miss and yearn for, so in that way it makes it harder. I would not say that not having sex just because you are long distance is in your best interests, nor would I think having sex will make you lose him once you’re gone. No one is going to date you for two years just to get into your pants and then leave you; I highly doubt this is a conquest thing. To me, it sounds like a natural progression in a loving relationship, and that can only be a good thing.
I believe sex is very positive for relationships, including long distance ones. Sexual release is good for the sanity and emotions; can relieve mild depression and the release of the hormone oxytocin makes us feel bonded to the person we’ve been intimate with. Does sex change the relationship? Yes and no. Sex has as much power in your relationship as you are willing to give it, no more and no less. Sex is ultimately just an action. It is the significance we as individuals put on sex that makes possible changes occur.
Make love, use condoms!
