Miss You Issues: Wifey Waiting - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I am a mother of four kids. Two from a previous relationship. Two from my current relationship. I have made the mistake of calling my boyfriend my son as well. This has been going on for years. It’s due to the fact he grew up lazy which was acceptable. I didn’t grow up that way but in this relationship I became lazy as well. This has led to a lot of arguments. To the point I lost respect for him years ago. I screwed up by never listening or being affectionate. This May he was offered a job 3 hours north. I let him go because I wanted him out of my hair. This was a way for me to love and appreciate him again. So yes, I did, and I fell back in love. But the opposite I believe has happened to him. I felt a little distance from him one day and I pushed him to tell me what’s wrong and I showed up with our girls to face him. No cheating, thank God. But he says he likes his freedom from everything. He brought up very old problems he shouldn’t have. But the other issues are true. I failed him tremendously. I want to change and do the work because he is my best friend but he gives me “I don’t know” answers for it all. I was receiving calls texts with good mornings love every day till I said something’s up. Our sex life started up again and there was love in it. I felt it. But he is still saying he doesn’t know about he feels. He refused to come home and get counseling because of work. He also says if I wouldn’t have pushed he wouldn’t have had these feelings because he believes I cannot change. I do not know what to do.

Tee Gee

Hello Tee Gee,

Personally, I find a lot of people easier to love when they aren’t around. Maybe that’s because I really like the quiet, or maybe that’s because I get the jack of picking up other people’s stuff ALL DAMN DAY. Who knows? Whatever the answer is, I’m glad solitude has given you the opportunity to soul-search and realize there are changes you need to make to better yourself; that’s hard, but also wonderful.

An important thing to understand though is that his own soul-searching might take longer and/or might take him in a completely different direction, and that needs to be ok, at least in the short term. I’m always telling my kids, “We can’t control other people; we can only control ourselves.” It’s true, but we can influence other people by setting an example. Don’t tell him you have changed, show him! It takes longer but it’s infinitely more powerful, and as you have children together he’s likely to remain in your life long-term regardless of your relationship status. (Unless he’s willing to walk out on his kids that is, and honestly if he’s that kind of guy on the inside you’re all better off without him, in my opinion.) You have time to grow into your new self and have him fall in love with you all over again, so give it time! Don’t push him or fall to pieces all over him if it’s not happening as fast as you want, just focus on you and your self-development. Make yourself someone you’d want to be with!

I hate to mention it, but there is a reason you lost respect for him in the first place and that will eventually need to be addressed if you are to cohabit again. All the inner journeying in the world isn’t going to make him less lazy unless he too wants to change and meet you half way. There isn’t a future out there where you’re suddenly going to enjoy being taken for granted. Yes, showing him respect should theoretically have him reciprocate and feeding gender stereotypes like “men are just adult children” degrades society at large, but a conversation is going to have to happen and an agreement reached. Not right now. But at some point down the road.

The important thing for you to do right now is to be patient with him, and ready to talk through old hurts. Likely you both have a share of apologizing to do, and you’ll both need to make some changes so that the same mistakes don’t happen again.

We all fall sometimes, the important part is what we do once we get back up.

All the best. x

Dear Miss U,

I am super supportive of my boyfriend and what he does. He goes to college and I know what it’s like because I am a college student myself, and I know we are busy with school, homework, and work. But he seems to be busy literally 24/7. I try to be understanding but we only talk if I start the conversation first. And the conversation will last about 5 minutes max, maybe 15 if I’m lucky. I tried to tell him how I feel but he seems to get frustrated when I express how we don’t talk. I know he loves me, but I just don’t feel that spark anymore. I love him and don’t want to lose the love, but I feel it fading from me. I’m not too sure what to do at this point, should I be more understanding?

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

No, you do not need to be “more understanding”. How does he expect you to have a relationship if you’re not having a relationship? Being partners goes beyond labels – and that’s all it is if there’s no connection between you – a label. If you don’t talk, and you can’t see each other, and you’re not doing anything together, what part of that is a relationship? There’s nothing there!

Long distance relationships aren’t about taking off into the wide blue yonder knowing when you get home there’s going to be a little wifey waiting for you, they are about having a relationship at a distance. I suggest sending him a link to this article because clearly you’ve already spoken to him about this and nothing has changed.

We all make time for those people and things we care about – our priorities. I generally recommend a minimum standard of 1-3 texts (not text conversations, single messages) and 1 hour of talk time per day. It doesn’t have to be uninterrupted if that can’t be managed, but it does need to happen unless one of you has a seriously special circumstance (working on a cruise boat or on deployment with the military etc). If he won’t make you a priority, if he doesn’t want to actively have a relationship with you, he needs to let you go and open the way for someone who will.