Maybe Baby

Dear Miss U,

Lo e lui

Dear Lo e lui,

Thank you for writing in. I can only assume you need a bit of encouragement and support as you have not asked me a question. I apologize if I have not understood correctly.

First of all, if you are pregnant: congratulations! Let me encourage you to look after your body as best you can; maintain your level of fitness because pregnancy is hard and labor is harder. The fitter and stronger you are when you go through it the better you will cope and the faster you will heal. Aim to eat as many whole plant-based foods as you possibly can, the more fiber the better. Constipation troubles a lot of pregnant women, but with plenty of fiber and lots of water you’ll be setting both yourself and your baby up for a smoother ride. See your doctor and start researching your birth options, you can’t be too educated about birth! Your baby’s birthday is the best day of your life. (I know people say that about weddings, but in my opinion, nothing tops labor and delivery.) Birth can be a positive empowering experience, or it can be painful and frightening. What you will experience is largely based on the choices you make (though luck plays a part too!) so don’t go in blind. Research different care professionals and the kinds of birth available (hospital, home, birth center, OB or midwife, etc) and consider hiring a doula.

If you’re not pregnant, that’s great too. Study up on birth control and reproduction so you know how your body works and how to avoid it doing said work until you’re a bit older. I’m cool with young mums; I think young parents can be just as awesome as any other aged parents, but it isn’t ideal for you right now. Right now you should be focusing on setting your life up, finishing your education, starting a career, and closing the distance with your partner.

Too many people think that having a baby is going to fix problems in their relationships and/or bring them and their partner closer together, and honestly that isn’t how it works. Yes babies give you an ability to love beyond what you have ever known and you will bond with your partner over the perfection you made together when the baby is smiling, doing cute things or sleeping. But other times… it’s four in the morning, your nipple is bleeding because you’ve been feeding this miniature human for twelve hours every day since it was born, the baby has been crying non-stop for fourty minutes so loud you think the neighbors are going to call the police and your partner will come out with something infuriating like “Do you think she’s hungry?” and then you wonder what you ever saw in this moron.

Some days all you will want is a shower. You’ve got some hastily wiped up poop that’s dried on your arm, there’s puke on your shoulder that smells like off milk – actually most of your body smells like off milk and the baby has left a big wet sweat patch on your belly (you hope it’s sweat anyway) from where he fell asleep. You ask your partner to take care of the little darling for ten minutes while you have a shower and you really need him to rush over and relieve you but what he actually says is, “I’ll be there in a minute I’m just eating this sandwich,” and you wonder how you can possibly love such a selfish person, all the while being a bit jealous because you can’t remember the last time you ate anything with the use of both your hands.

Everyone tells you that babies are hard, but they don’t really explain why and even if they did it wouldn’t sound like such a big deal, but let me assure you, when you’ve had five hours of broken sleep in the last two days, your hormones are going crazy, you’re bleeding as though Godzilla himself clawed out of your womb, and you can’t figure out why the baby is crying (or there is no reason, sometimes they just cry) everything is hard. Unbelievably hard. Including loving your boyfriend, who will just seem like another person who wants things from you, another pair of hands grabbing at your touched-out flesh. Nothing can drive a wedge into your relationship as hard or as fast as a child.

If you can wait to have a baby, wait until you’ve had time to enjoy each other and you have hundreds of great memories to look back on and remind yourself why you like him when the going gets tough. Wait until you’ve had time to talk about how each of you wants to raise a child, and how you will resolve that if you find you change your mind later, (eg: when I decided I wanted to raise the children vegan, going against everything we had previously believed in.) Wait until you have the financial security for you to both take time off work and set up your new routine as a family. Wait until you have a career to go back to, so in the long days that turn into long nights when you can’t remember when you last did something nice for yourself or had a moment to practice a hobby, you can at least think about something that is entirely YOU. Not the mum you, but who you are when no one needs something. Being able to remember what you are passionate about and things you have achieved will help your self-esteem and give you a little more patience during that time where you’re living only to sustain someone else.

But if you can’t wait, if you’re pregnant now, just be smart about it. It’s not just about him taking responsibility and moving to you because your life and your body are going to change so much more than his will. Making a family takes a lot more than just living together, so start reading and start having big conversations with him about what you are going to need from him and his role in the child’s life. Discuss what happens in the event your relationship doesn’t make it too, because even after you break up you will need to be civil co-parents for your child.

No matter what happens, educate yourself and take care of your health. Whether you have a baby this year or in ten years you will love that little soul beyond what you thought imaginable. I wish you the best of luck either way and hope something I have said here today will benefit you.

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